


Regrets, I Have a Few

by PiscesDragon



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Canon Compliant, Complicated Relationships, Drunk Keith (Voltron), Friendship/Love, Lance is Fierce When It Comes to His Friends, M/M, Physical Altercations, Pining Shiro (Voltron), Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Sheith endgame, Shiro (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Shiro (Voltron) is a Mess, Shiro Kicking Himself, Sparring, Therapy, clueless Shiro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2019-11-21 19:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 56,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18146222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PiscesDragon/pseuds/PiscesDragon
Summary: Shiro was not an overthinker. It had been trained into him through many years in the military that muscle memory and quick thinking saved lives. As a pilot, all actions had to become second nature. Feelings had no place in a cockpit or a battlefield. All emotional triggers had to be suppressed, compartmentalized and pushed down so deeply that they couldn’t impact you.This training had saved his life as a prisoner of the Galra Empire. It helped him train the other paladins and make quick decisions during battle as the leader of Voltron. It had probably kept him sane in the endless expanse of the Black Lion’s consciousness. His ingrained conditioning had supported him while Captain of the Atlas and snapped him out of sheer panic as he watched his dearest friends - his family - fall to the Earth and their potential deaths.It had made him a good soldier and an excellent pilot, but military preparation and emotionless indoctrination was absolute crap for his mental health and personal relationships.He was a disaster as a husband.And he had been absolutely blind to his own feelings for his best friend.





	1. Regrets, I Have a Few

He knew this was coming. If he was honest with himself, it had been inevitable ever since the night before the actual wedding. Shiro knew deep down he had done this to himself - that he had caused all of this long before the moment when everything flipped upside down. But it was easier to blame someone else. So much easier to blame his best friend for the failure of his marriage than to take responsibility for his own blindness and poor choices.

 

Curtis was kind. He had been a safe, secure landing place for a man who had been to hell and back. Shiro thought he could do it - push away other wants and make it work. That was what he had always done: set a goal and work toward it until it happened. He saw no reason a marriage couldn’t be any different. After all, he had rarely failed at anything he set out to accomplish.

 

But nothing he did could account for the memory of soft violet eyes, a raspy voice, and a single sweet kiss that tempted and called to him like nothing else in his life ever had. Even space and the stars had never drawn him in like this. In the last two years, he had never been able to stop himself from dreaming of purple eyes.

 

Those fucking purple eyes.

 

They haunted him.

 

* 

**15 Months Ago**

It was the night before his wedding, and Shiro was spending his last few hours of freedom with his favorite people in the world. The paladins had kidnapped him for dinner at a restaurant located just down the street from the hotel where they were staying, and the Holts, Coran, Romelle, and a few members of the  _ Atlas _ bridge crew had joined them to celebrate. It had been a nice, relaxing evening. Even though he had no family there for his big day, Shiro knew that the one he had become a part of over the last few years was better than any blood relatives could ever be. His fiance would probably agree with that assessment, considering his own family had helped plan the wedding and had been driving Curtis insane the entire week. He had more than once told Shiro that it had been a mistake to get married in his hometown where his entire family could descend like a plague to torment him.

 

As the hour got later, most of their party had retired for the evening. The p aladins had gotten as far as the hotel bar, spending a few more hours together for what Lance called a “last hurrah of Voltron”. It was nice being with them again - talking and laughing, relaxed like they had been occasionally in the Castle of Lions. One of them was missing, and they all felt it deeply. A silent agreement seemed to have formed between them that these few days were not to be brought down by mourning.  It was the last thing Allura would have wanted.

 

The group broke up gradually, with Hunk calling it a night first followed closely by Pidge. Lance had hung on a bit longer, but after starting to nod off at the table he was sent to bed to get some rest. Eventually Shiro and Keith were the only two remaining - and Keith was tipsy. Or at least that was all he would admit to. Shiro was convinced his friend was in reality quite drunk, but he couldn’t help but marvel at Keith’s ability to hold his liquor. If not for the fact that he knew Keith so well and had seen the number of glasses he’d downed with his own eyes, Shiro could almost be fooled into thinking he was only a little affected. He wondered if it was from being part Galra - God knows if Shiro had that many rounds he would be on his ass long before now. As it was, he had limited his own drinking for the night. The last thing he wanted to deal with on his wedding day was a headache.

 

“So you’re sure you really want to do this?” Keith slurred just a little, swirling the glass that held the remainder of his drink.

 

“Um, yeah,” Shiro replied, “It’s a little late to change course now, don’t you think?”

 

Keith turned and looked at him, dark eyes piercing him with a serious stare. “If you’ve changed your mind, I can get you out of here. We can just fly away somewhere, and I’ll have Lance get a message to Curtis. Just say the word…”

 

“You, my friend, are in no condition to pilot anything. And I think I’d better cut you off,” Shiro chuckled as he gently took Keith’s glass from his hand and moved it out of his reach down the table. He put a hand on Keith’s shoulder to comfort him and prevent him from reaching over to finish off the drink. “Can’t have my best man hung over at my wedding.”

 

“And here I was thinking it’d be nice to just stay drunk clear through the next 24 hours,” Keith said flatly. Shiro couldn’t tell if he was kidding or not, but he assumed he was. He had always been able to rely on Keith. There was no way he would leave Shiro hanging tomorrow on the biggest day of his life. 

 

“You know I’m kind of going to need you functional, buddy,” Shiro laughed, waving over the bartender to check the status of their tab. 

 

“They already covered it earlier. You’re all good.” The woman waved him off and pointed at Keith. “Need any help with that one?”

 

“Nah, I’ve got him,” Shiro replied as he stood up and moved closer to his friend. He hoped he would not be forced to carry Keith all the way to his room. He smiled to himself, remembering that the last time he had done that was when they were both at the Garrison and Keith had fallen asleep on the couch in the quarters he had shared with Adam. His best friend had been years younger and a lot smaller back then. That felt like a lifetime ago. He murmured, “C’mon, Keith. Party’s over. I need my beauty sleep.”

 

“Like that’s ever been an issue for you,” Keith mumbled, swaying slightly as he stood up from his bar stool. Shiro put an arm around Keith’s waist to steady him, and Keith threw his right arm over his shoulder for balance. Shiro half carried Keith down the dim hallway to his room, thankful that although Keith’s eyes were half-closed, at least he wasn’t stumbling. When they finally got to the door, Keith threw his free hand up to the censor. With a quiet hiss and a slide, the door came open. Keith turned in Shiro’s arms to face him until both of his hands were securely fisted in the collar of his shirt. Shiro’s hands both moved instinctively to Keith’s waist to steady him, and they stood together looking at each other like dancers waiting for the music to start.

 

“Takashi,” Keith whispered, looking up at him with violet eyes shining under dark lashes. He reached up and put a hand gently along the side of Shiro’s face, his thumb sliding along his jaw in a caress. Shiro became frozen by dark purple pools that locked onto him like a tractor beam. It jolted him for a moment to think that even Curtis didn’t call him that. The last person to call him by that name was Adam - before Shiro had taken off into space and forever changed the trajectory of their lives. A shiver ran down his neck at hearing his name come out of Keith’s mouth. 

 

Before Shiro could even comprehend what was happening, Keith pushed up just slightly on his toes toward him, and Shiro could smell the mix of alcohol and sweet mint on his breath from the mojitos Lance had been feeding him all night. And then Keith kissed him. It was gentle and sweet and warm and wonderful, and Shiro’s eyes slipped closed unconsciously while his hands curled around Keith’s waist just a little tighter on their own accord. He felt Keith’s arms that had tightened around his neck loosen as his hands slid up to run through the hair at the back of Shiro’s head. It only lasts a moment. Just a brief, sweet kiss as if they were lovers saying good night. It could have almost been innocent if not for who they were to each other and the whirlwind that would take place only hours later.

 

Keith pulled back from him very slowly, purple eyes gleaming at him in the dim light of the hallway. One hand was on his shoulder, the other still cupped the side of Shiro’s face. The feather soft touch of Keith’s thumb caressed his cheek. “Be happy,” he breathed. In a swift movement Shiro would have thought he was too drunk to manage, Keith let go, turned around to open the door to his room and went inside. He closed the door without ever looking back at Shiro.

 

In a daze, Shiro moved down the hall to his own room, and not until he got inside did he realized how much it felt like Keith had been telling him goodbye. That night he dreamt of purple nebulae in space, a whispered tortured voice saying “I love you”, and floating surrounded by stars.

 

*

 

They never talked about it. 

 

The next morning, when Shiro went to Keith’s door expecting to find a bedraggled lump with a hangover the size of Russia, the door swung open to a man who had showered, dressed, and looked for all accounts ready for the day ahead. The look on Keith’s face when their eyes met dropped into sadness for the briefest moment. Then it vanished, shifting quickly into determination. Shiro recognized that face - he had seen it every time Keith had gone into battle, determined to survive or die trying.

 

In retrospect, Shiro wished he had asked Keith why he looked like his wedding was equivalent to a fight with Zarkon. Or why he had kissed him at all. But he was a coward, and more afraid of the answer than he would have ever been willing to admit. And he wasn’t sure Keith would have given him an answer even if he had tried.

 

*

**Present**

The data pad beeped a few times, and Shiro suddenly wondered where Keith might be and whether the time there was too late to take a call. Or maybe he was just busy. Helping the universe recover from authoritarian overlords wasn’t exactly the easiest day job Keith could have picked after everything they had gone through. While Shiro made the decision to step away from everything and try to relax into a peaceful life, Keith very typically couldn’t stand to sit still. The Blades of Marmora had transitioned themselves into a humanitarian organization, their ability to simultaneously protect the citizens of planets they visited as well as covertly weed out any trouble while they were there being extremely useful to the Coalition. It also didn’t hurt to show the universe that not all Galra were their enemies. Shiro was proud of the work that his friend was doing. He was also a little jealous. After almost six months of sitting around, Shiro missed flying. He missed the stars a lot more than he realized he would.

 

Shiro was just about ready to disconnect, hoping Keith would call him back once he saw the notification, when the display lit up. Keith’s slightly blurry face appeared on the display, rubbing at his half-closed eyes. Shiro felt horrible. Keith had obviously just woken up, and his dark hair was a mess of a mane around his head. Shiro couldn’t help but notice his bare shoulders, and he forced his traitorous eyes to look away from his friend’s sharp collarbone. No good could come of that train of thought.

 

“Hey!” Keith said, grinning at Shiro with a half smile as he ran his hand back through his hair.

 

“I’m so sorry,” started Shiro. “I didn’t mean to wake you. You could have just called me back.”

 

“It’s no problem,” Keith replied. “I needed to get up soon anyway. What’s up?”

 

“Nothing really. Just hadn’t talked to you in a while. Thought I would check in and see how you were doing.”

 

“Fine! Nothing too exciting. Just staying busy with the Blades work,” Keith answered. “Same story, different planet. Most days anyway.”

 

The two friends chatted for a while, the conversation easy, like it always was. Keith was always more than happy to entertain him with stories of his most current Blades business. Shiro couldn’t help but be a little jealous of the fact that Keith was still off having adventures without him. Especially now that those activities very rarely involved a battle scenario. There were still a few small cells of resistance, bands of Galra supporting a warlord that refused to see the logic of peace, who would stir up trouble in various parts of the universe. The Blades would often help deal with these types of skirmishes, particularly in places without the capacity to resist or deal with it themselves. In a lot of ways, the situations were similar to what they had done when their Voltron team had first formed, just on a slightly smaller scale. Luckily, none of the Empire groups had the resources or numbers to cause much trouble, and the Blades were more than capable of handling any disturbance they managed. The Blades of Marmora numbers had been steadily increasing over the last few years, now that the universe was transitioning to peace. There were a lot of Galra that wanted to do good in the universe and had just been too scared to stand against their old leaders.

 

Shiro didn’t have much to add to their conversations. He often didn’t realize how simple, how empty, his life had become until talking with Keith reminded him of what little happened in his life on a daily basis. His days involved spending multiple hours on his workout, straightening up around the house, and running errands. Shiro had in some ways become the “trophy husband” that Lance liked to joke about whenever they got together. At one point Iverson had offered him a teaching position at the base, desperate to keep him involved at the Garrison in whatever form he could manage. But Shiro had felt like it would be too awkward to join a teaching staff, the majority of whom were junior officers, after being Captain of the  _ Atlas _ and one of the higher ranking officials at the Garrison. 

 

Now Shiro wondered if he had made a mistake. Just as he was discussing with Keith whether he should check with Sam Holt about other ways he could possibly help supplement their staff, the conversation was unexpectedly interrupted.

 

“Keith.” It was a deep baritone voice coming from the background of his friend’s room. Shiro didn’t even have time to wonder whether it was one of his Blade teammates before it continued, “Come back to bed,  _ seenah _ .”

 

Shiro did not understand what that last word meant, but the flush that shot up Keith’s neck and onto his face and the embarrassed expression on it left no confusion. A sharp pain stabbed Shiro in the gut, and a heated pressure expanded in his chest making it difficult to breathe for a moment. He recognized the feeling, but would not for all the stars in the sky name it. He had no right to feel this way. None.

 

Shiro coughed into his hand but quickly recovered. 

 

“Company?” he asked and forced his mouth into a smirk, forcing himself to pretend this was Lance or Matt or anyone else he had inadvertently happened upon the morning after a hot date.

 

“Yeah,” Keith said to Shiro, then turned away from the screen to yell to the disembodied voice, “Just a sec!”

 

“You never mentioned that you were seeing somebody,” Shiro said, unable to stop himself from casually  fishing for information. He was just showing an interest in Keith’s life. That’s what friends do after all. Or at least that’s what he told himself.

 

Keith gave a noncommittal shrug. “It’s not really anything to talk about. Nothing serious.”

 

“I guess you need to go.”

 

“Yeah, I probably should. We’ll talk again soon, OK?” Keith said. “Tell Curt I said hi.”

 

Shiro tried not to infer that the mention of his husband was a reminder that whatever went on in his best friend’s personal life was not his business. For whatever reason, Shiro had always made it a habit to never mention his husband when he spoke to Keith, so they never seemed to discuss either of their love lives during their weekly conversations. “Will do.”

 

“Talk to you soon,” Keith said. The display went blank, leaving Shiro struggling to process the new facet of his friend’s life while also trying desperately to block the image that had formed unbidden in his mind of Keith’s body tangled wantonly in white sheets.


	2. The Man Whore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro's attempt to push his feelings into the background gets even more difficult when Lance asks for a favor involving Keith.
>
>> “Keith?” Shiro can’t imagine a scenario where his best friend, his overly serious and always dedicated friend, was acting so horribly out of character. “I’m not following. I’ve talked to him. Pretty recently, even. He seems to be doing fine.”
>> 
>> “Oh, he’s fine alright!” Lance’s reply had Shiro looking at him like a very confused puppy, with his head cocked to one side. “He’s having a great time. That’s what I’m worried about.”
>> 
>> “Lance,” Shiro sighed, beginning to get exasperated by the whole conversation. “You’re going to have to spit it out.”
>> 
>> “Here’s the thing. So I really don’t want to use the term ‘man whore’, but…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks to [museaway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/museaway/pseuds/museaway) for proofing and giving me feedback!
> 
> I want to preface this chapter with PLEASE DON'T HATE - keep in mind, LANCE is the one we're getting this information from, so take it with a grain of salt.  
> A small one ;)

 

“Shiro, my man!” 

“Hello, Lance. How are you?” This was not a simple throwaway question. Lance had gone through a very difficult grieving period for a couple of years after they lost Allura.  He seemed to be doing much better the more time passed, but Shiro knew that he still struggled from time to time.  They all still did, most likely. God knows there had been times, especially lately, when Shiro would have given anything to have to have their princess back and have her support and wisdom to draw on.

“I’m good, doing good,” Lance answered as he leaned back slightly from the call screen. He knew the drill at this point. If he didn’t give Shiro a basic rundown of what he had been up to - and therefore a peek into his current mental state - he would have company by tomorrow.  Shiro, or possibly Pidge or Hunk depending on whose schedule was the most free, would be on the next plane to Cuba and at his farm to check on him in no time. Shiro refused to feel badly about it, and he knew the others had no qualms about it either.  They did what they had to do in order to get everyone through their grief and recovery.  Shiro was glad that three of his former teammates were good about checking in and asking for help when they needed it. Keith was the only one that Shiro really ever worried about at this point, but at least his friend did make a solid effort to keep in touch. 

Lance proceeded to launch into an enthusiastic explanation of the newest crops that he and his family had been experimenting with, courtesy of Hunk and his connections to various culinary coalition members throughout the galaxy. Shiro watched as Lance talked with his hands, animating his expression of surprise when he’d found that the plant he had thought was something like a tomato, instead of producing normal fruits proceeded to give birth to them. Shiro, feeling suddenly sick to his stomach, was only glad that taking up alien farming was never something he would consider as a life choice.  It was a few minutes more of Lance describing his newest successful venture, a plant that he couldn’t pronounce but was like  a brussels sprout that tasted like a sweet potato, before he seemed to remember that he had an actual reason for calling Shiro in the first place.

“So, the reason I’m calling, not that I don’t want to talk to you, man, but we’ve got a bit of an issue.” Lance said, looking at Shiro very seriously.

“What’s wrong?” asked Shiro, his pale brows bunching together with concern. It was ridiculous that the prospect of there being a problem to solve excited Shiro more than a bit.  Having something to do, anything really to wrench him out of the funk of monotony that his life had settled into, sounded like an exciting adventure.  It was sad, really, for Shiro to realize how little down time he actually  _ wanted _ in his life. Especially now that he had given himself an endless supply of it by retiring and leaving the Atlas.

“Nothing’s wrong, exactly,” Lance said nervously, running his left hand up the back of his neck and into his hair. “But I think you maybe need to talk to your boy.”

“Who?”

“Keith.”

“Why exactly?”

“I’m kind of worried about him.” Lance said quietly, looking down into his lap.

“Why? What’s wrong?” The thought of Keith in trouble had Shiro’s pulse racing, ready to bolt to wherever he was to help him. Shiro contained his mild panic, easily seeing that whatever had Lance concerned was not a life or death situation.

“He’s just…” Lance trailed off, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. “He seems a little out of control, you know? Not really acting like himself. Making some potentially bad choices. Maybe a lot of bad choices, really.”

“Keith?” Shiro can’t imagine a scenario where his best friend, his overly serious and always  dedicated friend, was acting so horribly out of character. “I’m not following. I’ve talked to him. Pretty recently, even. He seems to be doing fine.”

“Oh, he’s fine alright!” Lance’s reply had Shiro looking at him like a very confused puppy, with his head cocked to one side. “He’s having a  _ great  _ time. That’s what I’m worried about.”

“Lance,” Shiro sighed, beginning to get exasperated by the whole conversation. “You’re going to have to spit it out.”

“Here’s the thing.  So I really don’t want to use the term ‘man whore’, but…”

“WHAT?!” Shiro’s question came out a full octave higher than he intended. Whatever he was expecting to hear that was NOT it. He knew his eyebrows were probably floating into his hairline, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from overreacting to the connection between Keith and that particular term. He took a deep breath and gripped the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “Explain. Please.”

“Ok, so you know Acxa and Veronica are… super close. I guess they’re dating? I don’t know,” Lance starts, eyes squinted and waving his hand in the air as if to ward off thoughts of his sister in any kind of sexual context. “Veronica contacted me and filled me in a little with some things that had Acxa pretty concerned. She asked me to talk to Keith, and I tried, I did, but you know how he is. God forbid anybody try to tell him what to do.” He stopped and took a breath as he recognized he wasn’t doing a very good job of explaining this in a way Shiro could understand. “I guess Acxa is getting really worried about Keith’s… behavior.  They’re out on missions, traveling around a lot helping the Coalition, and that part is all good.  Normal Keith, doing his leader thing. Mr.  Responsible , right?”

Shiro nodded, suddenly very afraid of where this was going and even more afraid of exactly how Lance wanted him to get involved in it.

“But outside of their relief efforts, I guess he’s…” Lance trailed off. It was obvious he didn’t want to say anything bad about Keith, but he wasn’t sure how to get his point across without it. “ Aww , hell. I’ll just say it. He’s sleeping around with anybody who’s interested. And I guess a  _ lot _  of people,” Lance’s eyes went wide and he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, “have been interested.”

Shiro let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. His brain spun a little with the information, but it wasn’t the time to process his own feelings about it.  In fact, if he could prevent his brain from developing any kind of visual on it, he considered that a win. Shiro’s unconscious mind already thought about Keith too much as it was. Instead he reverted back to his tried and true “team leader” mode and tried to simplify the issue as a disagreement between Keith and Lance.  THAT at least he had experience with handling. That he could deal with. His best friend’s sexual exploits, not so much. And because he couldn’t ever help himself when it came to Keith and Lance’s bickering, of course Shiro took Keith’s side first.

“He’s a grown man,” defended Shiro. “That’s normal, right? I mean, you all spent the end of your formative years fighting space battles instead of doing… normal young adult things. If Keith wants to… explore his options now that he can, that makes sense. Don’t you think?”

Shiro couldn’t help but smirk a little, remembering his own forays into “exploring his options” what seemed like a million years ago. Adam hadn’t been his first ‘exploration’, but when they initially got together Shiro had been about the same age Keith was when they found the Blue Lion and  Voltron suddenly became their whole lives.  When Shiro had been eighteen, he and his boyfriend had spent much of their free time learning more about each other, and very little of it had been done through talking.  In  contrast, at that age Keith and the other paladins had been saving the universe. He couldn’t really fault Keith for making up for lost time. Images of exactly how Keith might be spending his time started to form unbidden in his mind, and Shiro quickly pushed them away and into the dark corner in his brain.  Unfortunately, that corner labeled “Keith: Inappropriate” was filling up as time went on, and Shiro feared that eventually those fantasies were going to come spilling out into parts of his consciousness where he would be forced to face them.  Luckily, Lance’s chattering was going to prevent that from happening any time soon.

“Dude, I get that, I do,” Lance said seriously. “It’s just the gist I’m getting is that it’s only a matter of time before Keith ends up with a nasty combination of alien STDs. There’s a difference between living a little and dying for it. I know we all got the Garrison version of ‘The Talk’, but I also know Keith’s got a different family background and a real lack of relationship models - you and Curtis notwithstanding.”

“It’s pretty obvious Keith’s not looking for what I’ve got,” Shiro scoffed.

“I think that’s probably the root of the problem, but I’m not touching that one,” Lance gave a short cough and quickly continued.  “Look, we just want to make sure he’s being careful - looking out for himself, you know?  And Acxa wasn’t comfortable going to Krolia with her concerns. She didn’t want Keith to feel like she was telling on him to his mom.”

“Makes sense,” Shiro said. “I know she and Keith are close, but I can’t imagine that being a comfortable conversation.”

Lance laughed, his face finally relaxing now that Shiro seemed to have caught on to their dilemma. “Yeah, no kidding. Can you imagine the look on Keith’s face while his mom is telling him to stop banging his way across the universe?”

Shiro covered his face with his left hand, running it down his face as if he could erase that phrase from his memory.  He could definitely picture his friend’s face in that scenario, and there’s no way that would go well.  Keith loved his mom dearly, but she wasn’t around when he was little, and he wouldn’t take well to Krolia telling him what to do - particularly in such a personal situation. Hell, Keith didn’t take orders, or suggestions for that matter, that well from anyone. With the exception of maybe…

Oh, holy hell.

“Shit,” Shiro blurted. “You’re wanting ME to talk to him?”

“Ding ding  ding !” Lance said gleefully, pointing a finger at Shiro in his screen. “There’s nobody else he won’t just shake off, you know that. Keith listens to you, man. He always has. I told you, I tried. I love him, but I’m just his number two. You’re the only one that’s going to be able to make him reevaluate his choices.”

“Shit,” Shiro said again. Lance was right. He knew he was right. That didn’t mean he had to like it. And it didn’t mean he couldn’t try everything in his power to get out of having what might be the most uncomfortable conversation EVER with his best friend.  “Tell me again why we need to be involved?  Can’t you just - I don’t know - send him an industrial box of condoms or something?”

“I don’t think you understand what we’re dealing with here,” said Lance. “I wasn’t kidding when I said man  whore . We’re talking male, female, alien other - I don’t even know, man. Apparently he’s very… open.”

“Jesus.” As much as Shiro didn’t want to picture Keith in an  orgy, it was suddenly a vision he couldn’t get out of his head. God, it was going to haunt him later. Probably while he was in the shower when his husband wasn’t home, if history was any indication.

“Hey, I’m not judging!” Lance said, throwing both of his hands in the air. “Live and let live, right? I just don’t want to see him get hurt. Unless he’s into that, which let’s be honest, you can see that right? God, I bet Keith is into some kinky shit… It’s always the quiet ones --”

“Enough, seriously,” Shiro said forcefully, putting up a hand to cut off Lance’s wandering train of thought. This whole conversation had taken turns worse than piloting through an asteroid field at full speed. He was already having enough trouble keeping his friend and thoughts like THIS out of his head. He definitely didn’t need Lance painting any more scenarios for his imagination to run wild with.

“So will you talk to him?”

“Fine, fine,” Shiro said with a sigh.

“And tell him if he ever feels the need to brag about his exploits, I’m available with very short notice and ready to listen. I have no problem living vicariously through my friends,” Lance said with a grin and an exaggerated elevation of one of his eyebrows.  “Always more than happy to be there for him if he needs me!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one takes this the wrong way and assume too many bad things about Keith!
> 
> A lot of the post-S8/fix-it fics that I read have Keith pining away, and I just don't think that's his style. In this story, he's more of an "I can't have what I want, so F it, I'll do what I want" kind of guy, which is for me personally more realistic of the Keith I know and love.
> 
> Things will become clearer as go on, I promise!


	3. Fight Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith doesn’t appreciate Shiro playing the meddling Space Dad, which leads to a major fight. Shiro has a chat with his therapist and has to face a harsh reality.
>
>> “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
>> 
>> “And it damn sure isn’t my place to tell you.”
>> 
>> “I would expect you of all people to be honest with me. If you aren’t my family, Keith, I don’t know who is,” Shiro said. “You always told me I was your brother.”
>> 
>> That seemed to put a dent in his friend’s anger. Keith deflated a little, like a sail suddenly losing the breeze. He looked down, refusing to meet Shiro’s eyes. “Only because that’s what you wanted me to be. What I wanted was never an option.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [museaway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/museaway/pseuds/museaway) is a godsend for being my proof/editor!

Shiro woke up with vision blurry from lack of sleep. He rubbed at his red eyes and looked around the bedroom. No sign of Curtis. He must not have come home last night.

They had fought about something stupid - Curtis had forgotten to take out the trash, even though it was the only household chore Shiro had asked of him all week. It was a trivial problem that in retrospect, Shiro admitted to himself, he had picked a fight about. 

They had been arguing a lot over the past few months.

His therapist called it “self-sabotage” - born out of boredom and a lack of direction. He could not remember a time in his life when he didn’t have a challenge to face, and without one Shiro didn’t know what to do with himself. So theoretically, he challenged his husband at every opportunity.

Unfortunately, recognizing your behavior was not the same as being able to control it.

The ding of an incoming call prevented him from going too far down the rabbit hole of beating himself up about it. Curtis would come home at some point, Shiro would grovel and promise to do better, he would tempt him into bed, give him attention and affection, and all would be forgiven by morning. It was becoming a pattern, Shiro knew, but for the moment it was holding them together. In quiet moments, he wondered how long that would last.

Shiro answered the call on his tablet before it could disconnect. He blinked a few times, confused, when Keith’s face appeared on his screen. It was incredibly disconcerting to see the same face so early in the morning you had just been dreaming about.

“Hey, old timer,” Keith greeted him.

Shiro sighed but grinned. “You know, I’m not actually that much older than you.”

“But you WILL always be older,” Keith replied with a smile. “Which means I can give you hell about it. Forever. The hair just makes it easier. I’m surprised you’ve never tried to dye it.”

“I like to tell myself it’s more of a platinum blond, and we have more fun,” Shiro smirked. “Maybe one of these days I’ll get lucky and you’ll get stuck in a quantum abyss again. Then you could be the old man!”

He missed this easy back and forth, joking around with the man who knew him better than anyone - even better than his husband in some ways.

“No luck,” Keith said. “I’d never let that happen.”

“So what’s up? Normally I’m the one that has to call you.”

“Everything is good. Just thought I would check in,” Keith said. “I haven’t talked to you in a while, and Lance mentioned it might be a good idea to touch base with you.”

In the back of his mind, Shiro pictured stabbing Lance in the face with a fork. He knew exactly why Lance had instigated this call, but he wasn’t really ready to have the conversation yet.  Leave it to Lance to force an issue. Well, Shiro thought, might as well see happens.

“Yeah, I talked to Lance a few weeks ago,” Shiro started. “He mentioned he was a little worried about you.”

“What?” Keith’s face scrunched slightly in confusion. “He didn’t say anything about it to me. He seemed fine. And I don’t know what he could possibly be worried about. Providing humanitarian aid isn’t exactly life-threatening work. Don’t get me wrong, we run into trouble once in a while, but I’m more than capable of taking care of myself.”

A brief memory of Keith’s fighting style flashed through Shiro’s mind, his body lithe and powerful. Shiro shook his head to quickly clear those thoughts. “I don’t think that was exactly what he was concerned about.”

“Then what? Aside from work, my life is pretty boring.”

“Not according to Lance,” Shiro laughed. “I think he’s a little jealous, truth be told.”

“What? Why?”

“He seems to think you’ve got a lot of...  _ company _ ,” Shiro said, trying to hide his discomfort. He could do this. Just normal guy talk. Never mind the fact that he and Keith had never in their entire friendship discussed their sexual conquests with each other. Shiro was going to have to channel his inner Lance to get through this.

Keith did not look amused. “Are you kidding me? We are not talking about this.”

“Lance... and I... just want to make sure you’re being,” Shiro paused. “Careful. We both worry about you, you know. STDs aren’t limited to Earth.”

Shiro cringed, hearing exactly how much he sounded like the CO that gave the cadet safety lectures back when he had just been starting out at the Garrison. This was the wrong track to take, and he knew it, but he was flying blind and had no idea how to approach the topic. He should have remembered that Keith had never responded well to lectures.

“What the hell, Shiro!” Keith grumbled, clearly getting aggravated. His eyes blazed with fire as he glared into the screen. “Regardless of whether you want to recognize it, I’m a grown man and you are not my father. I can fuck around with whoever I want to. It’s not your business.”

“Woah,” Shiro breathed, hands up like he was trying to placate a wild animal. In some ways, he realized, he was. Keith had always been a wild thing, especially when he got wound up. “I never said it was. You are entitled to do whatever you want. I just think you need to remember to be careful...”

“No. You don’t get to have an opinion on my personal life,” Keith growled. “Not when I have  _ always _ stayed out of yours.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Shiro couldn’t help himself from getting irritated now. He was only trying to be a good friend, and Keith was trying to turn this around on him?

“How IS your dear husband?” Keith’s voice was pure venom. Shiro didn’t know how Keith knew that this was a low blow, especially today, but he always could read Shiro a little too well.

“Fine.” Truthfully he had no idea where the hell his husband was, and he didn’t want to think about how little he actually cared about that fact.

“Oh, really?” Keith was in full battle mode now, using words instead of his blade. “That’s not what I hear. Maybe you need to worry more about your own shit and less about mine.”

“What the hell would you know about it?” Shiro’s voice had gone dangerously low.

“More than you, I bet,” Keith smirked, and Shiro was glad they weren’t in the same room. He wasn’t sure he could keep from trying to punch that look right off of his best friend’s face. “Curtis works at the Garrison. People talk, Shiro. And believe it or not, I keep in touch and work with people connected to the Garrison more than you might think.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“And it damn sure isn’t my place to tell you.”

“I would expect you of all people to be honest with me. If you aren’t my family, Keith, I don’t know who is,” Shiro said. “You always told me I was your brother.”

That seemed to put a dent in his friend’s anger. Keith deflated a little, like a sail suddenly losing the breeze. He looked down, refusing to meet Shiro’s eyes. “Only because that’s what you wanted me to be. What I wanted was never an option.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Exactly.” Keith blew out a breath, trying to control his anger. He was silent for a moment and then seemed to resolve something in his thoughts. He straightened, sitting up and looking directly at Shiro, violet eyes boring into him. “I’m not your brother. Never really wanted to be, but I took what I could get. And because of that, I can’t get involved. I didn’t tell you not to marry him, that it was a horrible idea in the first place, and I’m not going to tell you your business now. Talk to Curtis yourself. Figure your own shit out. Then come talk to me about mine.”

The screen went blank, and Shiro sat in complete shock just staring into nothing. Keith had disconnected and hung up on him. That was a first.

He had no idea what had happened. How had their conversation turned so sharply from Keith’s escapades to his failing marriage? And how did Keith even know? Shiro never talked about Curtis during their calls. It had always seemed to be a touchy subject; Keith had made it clear that he had no interest in the happenings of his marriage. His brain spun with the information Keith had given him, trying to process and fit the puzzle pieces together. So many things he hadn’t realized, or didn’t want to realize. Like the way his best friend felt about his marriage.

Shiro had a lot to think about. Unfortunately, he had a bad feeling that if he started looking too closely at the cards, the entire house of them would come tumbling down on top of him.

 

***

“Did you enjoy it?” Dr. Bazal asked blandly.

“Enjoy what?”

“Your conversation. Your argument with your friend.”

“What do you mean ‘enjoy’? Why would I like fighting with Keith?” His therapist didn’t respond, instead staring at Shiro with a face completely void of expression. This was her typical tactic, and Shiro hated that it worked. He couldn’t stand not filling the silence. This time though, he was resistant to taking the bait.

After a few minutes, Dr. Bazal decided to push. “Keith challenged you, didn’t he?”

“I guess, yeah,” Shiro answered. “You could say that I guess.”

“And yet, there’s no lasting damage between the two of you.” Shiro didn’t want to admit that he had sent Keith a message of “I’m sorry” before going to sleep the night after their argument. He hadn’t been sure if Keith would even respond to it. It had relieved him to see the message “Me too” when he woke up the next morning. That was one of the best things about Keith - his anger flared hot but burned out quickly, and he rarely held a grudge. It kept things simple.

Dr. Bazal pressed on, “And if you needed him, if you were in trouble or required help immediately, would he come?”

“Yes.” He answered immediately. There was no doubt in Shiro’s mind. Keith was a constant - as reliable as the sun rose and set each day.

“Would Curtis?”

“Of c---” Shiro stopped. He wanted to say yes, but he wasn’t so sure. Not now. Things had been strained between them lately. Shiro hadn’t really realized just how unstable their relationship had gotten. To admit that aloud though would sound like a failure. He adjusted. “I think so.”

“You trust your friend’s devotion more than your husband’s,” the therapist stated bluntly. “What do you think that says?”

Shiro shook his head. He was not going to go there. It was a trap, and he would not fall in.

“What if Keith needed you? Would you go?”

“Of course.”

“What if you had to choose?” Dr. Bazal asked, still without expression, as if they were discussing the weather and not the deepest inner workings of Shiro’s soul. “Between your husband’s need of you and your friend’s? Who do you go to then?”

Shiro closed his eyes very tightly, trying to shut out the room and the conversation. It was a mistake.

The first thing he pictured in the darkness was not his husband’s face. It was purple eyes.

Of course it was.

He put his hands to his face, grinding them into his eyes to keep the tears at bay as the pain erupted in his chest.

“What does the answer mean?” Shiro asked quietly, his voice hoarse but not breaking. He knew. He didn’t have to ask. Deep down, he knew all the feelings he refused to face.

“It means you have a choice,” Dr. Bazal responded in her quiet, respectful voice. “Either you make an effort and put in the work to improve your relationship with your husband - to make him your highest priority - or you consider why it is that you can’t put him first.”

She was really getting down to it then, Shiro thought.

Well, fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave some love if you feel like it!


	4. Bracing for Impact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro has the emotional self-awareness of a teaspoon and continues to struggle with relationships.
> 
> The shit hits the fan.
>
>> “So…” Shiro started, “you wanted to talk.”
>> 
>> “I don’t even know where to start,” Curtis sighed.
>> 
>> “Why don’t you start with where you were all night,” Shiro said tightly. He couldn’t help himself. He was angry. He would never do something like this to Curtis. Would never have even thought about it. Admittedly, he thought about a lot of things that he probably shouldn’t have, but he still had never considered cheating on his husband. Cheating in your fantasies wasn’t actually considered cheating, was it? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a big one, folks. Buckle in.
> 
> Also, Shiro’s going to owe a lot to the swear jar. I’d apologize for his potty mouth, but he’s going through some stuff.
> 
>  
> 
> As always, [museaway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/museaway/pseuds/museaway) is an angel for looking this over for me :)

 

 

It had been a few weeks since his last therapy session. Curtis was gone. Well technically, Shiro was the one who was gone. Since he felt responsible for their failure, he thought it was only right that he be the one to move out. Even though Curtis had apparently been the one moving on.

Ultimately , Shiro believed they  had both taken a cannon to their marriage from opposite sides of the field. 

“How are things going?” Dr. Bazal asked, her usual opening to their discussions.  Shiro was relieved that she didn’t mention his  canceled appointments over the last two weeks.  Listening to his doctor nag him would only make this session more difficult.

“My marriage is over,” Shiro said roughly . His  gray gaze was flat and expressionless. Dr. Bazal’s eyes widen slightly , but to her credit she gave no other outward  indication of her thoughts.

“What happened?” she asked with her general calm manner .

 

***

Everything  had fallen apart a few weeks ago, just a few days after his last therapy session. His therapist  had left him with a lot to  think about - things  that  he  knew he  had been avoiding for months now. He  had mulled things over for  a couple of days, and then Curtis  had come home late again.  Very late . In fact, he arrived home just in time to change for work and then head right back out the door.

Shiro woke up to his alarm just in time to see his husband removing the clothes he was still wearing from the day before. Unfortunately , years of being forced to spring awake at full alertness meant that he noticed the details of Curtis’ state of dress much more than his husband  probably  expected him to. He glanced toward the bed, and the look on Shiro’s face must have told his husband  exactly  what he was  thinking .

“Damn it,” Curtis muttered, dropping the previous day’s shirt to the floor and refusing to make eye contact.

Shiro’s heart raced, and he clenched his fist, preparing himself to ask the questions he wasn’t sure he wanted answers to. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and asked quietly , “Just getting home?”

Curtis looked at him blankly , standing as still as a statue in nothing but his khaki pants. His smooth, caramel chest glowed a little in the weak sunlight coming in through the translucent curtains, and Shiro missed the days such a short time ago when would have been so  easily  distracted by his husband’s body. At that moment, all traces of desire, of love, were nowhere to  be found . Instead he was trying to harness his patience and keep his temper in check,  mentally  reminding himself that his right hand, or  potentially  both really , were a deadly weapon. Curtis  finally  nodded in the affirmative. 

“Who is he?” Shiro asked with a preternatural calmness, another question he didn’t want an answer to, but his mouth supplied it without clearing it with his brain first.

Curtis looked at him sadly , then looked down and closed his eyes for a moment. He looked back at Shiro, brown eyes locked onto his. He took a deep breath and let it out with a deep sigh. A look of resignation settled on his face.

“Let me call work and get a shower first,” Curtis said. “We need to talk.”

He walked quietly into the bathroom and shut the door while those four words bounced around and echoed in Shiro’s head. He was well aware that nothing good ever followed those words in a relationship. When he heard the water start running in the shower, Shiro figured he should probably be dressed for this conversation. He felt confident that whatever had finally broken in their relationship, he wouldn’t be able to fix it with sex as he had in the past.

After getting dressed, Shiro wandered out into the kitchen and  began making coffee. He  knew Curtis didn’t function well in the morning without at least two cups. It  felt like a significant action - one last thing he  could do for his husband before their foundation crumbled and collapsed.

Curtis  finally  came to the kitchen and sat at the table, hands folded together in front of him. Shiro moved to sit next to him, handing him the mug of coffee in silence. Curtis murmured his thanks. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and Shiro wondered if he  had been crying in the shower. His brown hair was still damp, and he smelled like the woodsy lemongrass soap he liked to use. Curtis took a sip and looked down into the cup, watching the brown liquid swirl and waiting for Shiro to lead. 

He  had always let Shiro take the lead, from the  very  beginning of their relationship. It occurred to Shiro as he sat trying to wait out his husband  that he was tired of leading. That was why he  had retired from the Garrison in the first place . Sometimes he  just  wanted to  be able to  let someone else  make the decisions and follow once in a while. That  was never going to happen with his husband.  Thinking back over the last couple of years, Curtis generally made Shiro take the lead on everything in their lives, from what they  had for dinner to what they did in the bedroom.  Apparently  he  was also going to expect Shiro to take the lead on ending their marriage.

There was no way Shiro  was going to give him  the satisfaction of that.

“So…” Shiro started, “you wanted to talk.”

“I don’t even  know where to start,” Curtis sighed.

“Why don’t you start with where you were all night,” Shiro said tightly. He couldn’t help himself. He was angry. He would never do something like this to Curtis. Would never have even _thought_ about it. Admittedly, he thought about a lot of things that he probably shouldn’t have, but he still had never considered cheating on his husband. Cheating in your fantasies wasn’t actually considered cheating, was it? Maybe Shiro wasn’t as innocent as he would like to be in all of this. He forced that thought away and focused sharp eyes on his husband.

“I was with Miguel,” Curtis  said softly , still staring into his coffee. Shiro clenched his teeth at the way his husband said the man’s name. “He’s… He works with me at the Garrison. You  probably  don’t remember him. He transferred in from a base in Venezuela a few months before we got married. He’s got a  pretty  low rank, and he was never on the  _ Atlas _ crew, so you might not have even met him. We’re friends…”

“And you’re sleeping with him,” Shiro said bluntly .

“No!” Curtis said forcefully , head coming up  finally  to look Shiro in the eye. “No. I’m not… I won’t lie to you and say I’ve been  completely  innocent and done nothing wrong, but we didn’t sleep together.”

Shiro let out a breath he didn’t  realize he’d been holding.  Maybe things weren’t as bad as he  thought .  Maybe they  could still fix this…

“But I’ve wanted to.”

With those words Shiro  could have sworn he heard a nail being driven into the coffin of his marriage. His  Altean arm  slowly  dropped to the table on what would be an elbow and sat propped up to catch Shiro’s head. His thumb and forefinger grasped the bridge of his nose, placing pressure on his eyes to keep from letting any tears escape.

“Why?” he asked, his voice sounding raspy and strangled.

“He  was able to give me something you never  could ,” Curtis explained, sounding sad and drained. “I  feel like I’ve been cheating  emotionally  more than anything. And that led to feelings growing in a way I  had n’t expected. I didn’t go looking for someone else. It just… happened.”

Shiro looked up at him,  gray eyes boring into brown. “ Cheating … emotionally ?”

“You and I… We stopped talking a long time ago. Did we even make it to our first anniversary before you pulled away from me?” Curtis said without giving him time to reply. “I met Miguel through friends. He knows James and Kincade, so we’d all go out together a lot. We  started talking . It was nice to have someone to talk to - that listened  to me.  That wanted to have an actual conversation. It was easy, and… we got to be friends. Good friends, pretty quickly . Over the last few months, I  started to realize that I was happier spending time with him than being home… with you. I don’t fight with him. It’s comfortable.”

“What do you mean we don’t talk?” Shiro questioned. “We always talk. You talk about your day during dinner. At least, on the nights you come home.”

“I’m not the person you want to talk to, Shiro,” Curtis explained. “I talk, and mostly you listen. And sometimes you’ll have something to say. But mostly for the last eight months or more, I feel like you just have me here to keep your bed warm.”

“How can you even say that?”

“Are you serious right now?” Curtis growled,  starting to lose his patience. “We fight. And we  fuck . And that’s all. Tell me one thing we’ve done together, as a couple, in the last few months. Can you even recall an  _ actual _ conversation we’ve  had ?”

Shiro stared at him,  completely  at a loss. He  knew he was right. They  had drifted into their own routines in such a short time of being married. Curtis  went to work,  had his own friends, his own hobbies. And Shiro  had his. Nothing overlapped except their time at home, and Curtis was right. All he  could envision  of them  over the last few months was either fighting or making up in bed.

That was what his marriage  had dissolved into within a year and a half. It  was sad now  that  he was being forced to face it.

“I can’t be the person in your life  that  I want to be,” Curtis said with a frown. “And nothing I do  is ever going to change that.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m not the most important person to you.”

“How can you say that?” Shiro cried. “You’re my  _ husband _ .”

“But I’m not Keith, am I?”

A pin dropping in their kitchen would have sounded like an explosion at that moment. For a few seconds, neither of them breathed.

“Keith?!” Shiro  was astounded . Why did everything always seem to come back to Keith somehow? “What  could Keith  possibly  have to do with any of this? I don’t even SEE Keith!”

“You see him constantly , Shiro,” Curtis said. “The two of you talk all the time on the  comms \- for  _ hours _ sometimes. Did you  think I never noticed?”

“So is that what this is? You’re jealous of Keith? He’s my best friend, Curtis.”

“He’s not just your friend, Shiro.”

“ Of course he is,” Shiro said angrily . “There has  _ never _ been anything between us but friendship. I’ve known him since he was a kid, for God’s sakes. There is no reason for you to  be jealous of Keith.”

Curtis went very still and silent, and the look in his eyes could have cut steel.

In a dark voice Curtis said  very slowly , “You talk in your sleep, Shiro.” 

Shiro gasped in a breath, his chest burned, and although he  had not  had a panic attack since the day the lions fell out of the sky, he  was suddenly worried that the streak might be over.

“What?” he asked stupidly . Shiro  had no idea what his subconscious may have let slip, but he was  suddenly extremely  fearful of the ammunition his husband may have  acquired .

“You’ve said his name in your sleep. A LOT.”

“But that’s not… That  doesn’t mean anything ,” argued Shiro. “We’ve been through a lot --”

He didn’t  think it was possible for his husband’s glare to get any colder, but when Curtis narrowed his eyes, Shiro was sure that what might  finally  end his existence was the way his husband looked at him when he said, “When you wake me up, grinding against my back and moaning his name into my neck, I’m  pretty  sure I’m not  _ misunderstanding _ things, am I right?”

F-u-u-u-u-c-c-k-k-k . Shiro was sure he  was going to have a heart attack. He  was going to have a heart attack and die right there at the kitchen table.  The combination of the pressure squeezing his chest and the pace of his heart gave him hope it was possible. He wished that he  _ could _ have. God damn Keith for bringing him back, only to provide him the opportunity to  fuck up his own life so badly . Just…  fuck . 

Holy.  Fuck .

He  had never  felt so guilty and mortified in his entire life, let alone at the same time. How does a person even  begin to  respond to that? At some point he put both of his hands over his face, unable to even consider looking anywhere near Curtis. He must have stopped breathing too, because it wasn’t long before he took a large gulp of air, filling his lungs and making his head spin worse than it already was.

“I’m sorry.” It came out with a sob. “I’m so sorry.”

Shiro started crying, and the worst part was that he didn’t even know why. Did he cry because he had hurt Curtis? Because Curtis had found someone else? Or because his husband had voiced Shiro’s deepest, darkest secret - the one he tried so hard to push down into the back of his mind? Saying things out loud made them so much worse somehow. Obviously his traitorous brain had taken to being an exhibitionist while he was unconscious and couldn’t prevent it. He felt betrayed by his own mind and body.

Sadly , he  could n’t even say it was the first time.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said again. There didn’t seem to be anything else he  could say. 

“I’m sorry, too,” Curtis whispered. He rubbed Shiro’s back as he sobbed, and the kindness of it only made Shiro  feel worse. 

He  had to ask,  had to  know if his actions  were what  pushed Curtis into someone else’s arms. “When did I… Was that why… the other  guy. Did I cause all of this?”

“Oh, Shiro,” Curtis sighed. He ran his hand through his hair nervously . “I  think it’s more like a truckload of errors. On both our parts really .”

“But, whatever I did… when I didn’t  realize I was…” Shiro  could not bring himself to say out loud that he was dreaming of screwing around with his best friend while in bed with his husband, because that was just so messed up on so many more levels than he  had the capacity to deal with at that moment. “Was that what made you go to… your friend?”

Curtis looked at him  quietly  for a moment. “I ’m not going to lie,” he said. “You were pushing me away and picking fights, and I didn’t understand why. It was aggravating, and it made me want to spend less time at home. So I spent more time with the guys at first, and then more time with just Miguel. But yeah, after the first time, I wondered and  was worried that there was more going on in your head than I  realized . After it happened again, and I  thought about it, I  realized I was  probably  fighting a losing battle on all fronts with you. Miguel has been… supportive. I really needed that.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. Shiro tried to get  some  grasp on how he  had done everything  absolutely  wrong. He  knew he was bad at relationships. He  just had no idea he was also capable of weapons grade self-sabotage. With his history, nothing should  really  have surprised him at this point. This was all his fault.

“So what do we do now?” Shiro asked quietly .

“What do you want to do?”

Shiro  knew \- he  just knew \- at  the beginning of this conversation that somehow everything would  be put on him. He  wasn’t going to play into it. 

“It seems like I’m the one that caused a lot of the mess. You should be the one to decide what you want going forward.” He paused for a moment, trying to  think of the simplest way to explain the options left to their marriage. He  thought about how they  had approached  the destruction of the planet after  Sendak was defeated . “We can try to take the pieces and rebuild, or clear the wreckage and you can move on to something else.”

Curtis looked at him seriously , studying his face for a moment. 

“Shiro, even if we try to salvage things, there would still be three people in this marriage.” Shiro flinched, but Curtis continued, “And I  know better than to give you an ultimatum on that. You and I both  know , there’s not even a choice, is there? He’s saved you so many times… He means more to you than  maybe you even  realize . I can’t compete with that.”

“So what are you saying?” Shiro whispered. He already  knew the answer, but he wanted Curtis to be the one to say it.

“I think we need to be done,” he said softly. “I deserve to be happy, and so do you. I thought I could be your happiness, but I think there’s only one person that can do that for you, and it’s not me.”

 

***

“How are you coping with all of this?” his therapist asked.

“Fine,” Shiro replied. “ Surprisingly well , actually . I  feel … free? Lighter. Like I can  finally  be myself.”

Dr. Bazal made a note on her tablet. “Are you angry at Curtis?”

“ I …” Shiro paused,  thinking about that for a minute before answering. “ I guess so, yes.  I ’m angry that he got involved with someone else. That he  could n’t just be honest with me and tell me  that  he wanted out. I’m mad at myself that he didn’t  feel like he  could tell me  that  he was unhappy before things  went so far sideways. I guess… I’m just as angry at myself for failing him.”

Dr. Bazal watched him closely , then waited silently . She  was very good at out-waiting him.

“I’m  probably  the most angry at Keith.”

“ Really ?” she asked. “Why?”

“He  knew about Curtis and  didn’t say anything . Hell, he let me marry him when he knows me better than anyone, and he didn’t  think it was a good idea. He  never SAID anything !” He  had raised his voice without  realizing it. He looked up at his therapist apologetically .

“Why does that make you so angry?” 

Shiro took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart and find the words he needed. “ Keith is supposed to have my back. He always has, almost for as long as I’ve known him. He’s saved me more times than… I don’t even….”

His therapist sat immobile as always, staring at him with her patented bland look.

“He’s probably the person I trust most in the world, and he let me down. He didn’t stop me. He fucking _kissed_ me, but he didn’t stop me from making a huge mistake.” Shiro sighed and bent over in his seat, hanging his head with his forearms braced on his knees.

“Keith - your friend - kissed you? When?” Dr. Bazal asked, a rare hint of interest  coloring her voice.

“The night before my wedding.” Shiro  could still picture Keith’s face that night. The way he  had said his name. The  feel of Keith’s palm on his face. Shiro  had replayed that moment in his mind more times than he would ever admit out loud to a living soul.

“Why do you  think he did that?”

“I don’t  know ,” Shiro answered. “I never  really thought about it. God knows we never  spoke of it . The next day I was getting married, and I  was pretty distracted with that. I guess I  just thought … He’d  had a lot to drink, so I blamed it on that and ignored it.”

Dr. Bazal’s expression  had shifted out of her disinterested mask. She looked at him with curiosity, almost a hint of a smirk on her face. “Is it possible that your friend was trying to give you an out?”

“An out? I don’t  know what you mean.”

“You said your marriage was a mistake. You blame Keith for not stopping it.” She paused for a moment, then seemed to change the topic. “Is Keith kissing you normal? Is that the  type of  relationship the two of you have? Something you would do  naturally - as friends?”

“God no,” Shiro blurted. “We’ve always been… close. But not like that.”

“Is that  type of behavior normal for Keith - for him to show that  type of  affection,  maybe not to you, but other people? Other friends?”

Shiro  could n’t help but laugh at that. “Um, no.  Keith is locked down like a nuclear reactor most of the time.”

“So, just to clarify,” said Dr. Bazal, “the night before your wedding, your best friend does something… romantic in nature… completely outside of his normal behavior. Why do you think he would do that?”

Shiro took a breath. “I don’t  know …”

“ Could this have been Keith’s way of  demonstrating his feelings and trying to force you to examine your own? To give you a reason to stop the wedding?”

Shiro closed his eyes, picturing the way those violet ones had looked at him that night and hearing the way his name sounded like a prayer on rose-colored lips. He squeezed his eyes shut tight. Keith _had_ acted like he had feelings for him. It hadn’t made any sense to him at the time and had seemed so out of character. With everything else going on, he had blocked it out and focused on his new husband.  Now he thought about all the little comments Keith had made, his resistance to help with anything related to the wedding. Even at first trying to avoid being his best man. Shiro had thought Keith was just being resistant to change - to letting Shiro have space for a life without Keith right at his back.

Jesus -  Could he  really  have been so blind?

Shiro must have been quiet for too long because Dr. Bazal pressed on, “Did Keith present you with a choice?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t see it…” Shiro’s voice cracked slightly ,  suddenly  hoarse. He swallowed, refusing to break down.  Crying in therapy was just a little too trite and expected. A piece of him  thought that was what Dr. Bazal was  really  after during their sessions, trying to force him to break down  in order  to rebuild himself. If that was the case, she  really had no idea the level of determination Shiro  was capable of. He  had been through so much worse in his life than therapy. If the Galra  had n’t broken him, there was no way this doctor would. “I didn’t  think it was possible  that  he  felt … I never saw it as a choice. And then after that when things were bad with Curtis… or I  was bored or lonely… That moment has tortured me.”

“Why?”

“I can’t get my brain to stop going back to it. I keep having these dreams…”   


“About Keith?”

“Yes, but not like… more just, that moment. The way he looked at me. The way he sounded. Just this  feeling …” Shiro trailed off. Peace, comfort, wholeness. Acceptance. He  could n’t  really  put it into words. The feelings he  had when he dreamed of those shining midnight- colored eyes was so much  _ more _ . Something he  could n’t put a word to.

“ Think about that  feeling , the one from your dreams. Are there other times you’ve  felt like that?” Dr. Bazal asked.

Shiro  thought about it for a moment. “Sometimes… with Curtis.  Not often .  Mainly  before we  were married or early on.”

“What about before that?”

“Things  were kind of crazy for a long time before that,” Shiro said. “I don’t  know .  Maybe … When I recovered from settling into this body? Or the night after I crashed back to Earth, even before we found the lions…”

He’d never thought about it before, hadn’t really let himself. He thought back to waking up, seeing Keith’s face filled with relief, the way he had cradled Shiro so gently but refused to let go. He remembered what felt like a lifetime ago, waking up in Keith’s little house in the desert, not realizing at first where he was. But then he had felt the warmth running down along the side of his body and looked over to see his friend beside him, clutching at Shiro’s shirt in his sleep. It had seemed like Keith was determined to hold him to the Earth even while he slept. Shiro had felt sweet relief and a swelling feeling inside his chest, and for the first time in what felt like forever Shiro had been able to let himself relax and rest, feeling safe.

“Do those events have anything in common?”

“Keith,” Shiro replied immediately .

“Hmm,” Dr. Bazal gave a tiny noise of acknowledgement. “What about before you  went into space? Were you close with someone then? Did they ever make you  feel this way?”

Shiro blinked, stalling. He  really  did NOT want to talk about this. Not about him. Not this way. Shiro  had dealt with Adam’s death. He  had said his goodbyes. But he  had never  really  acknowledged what he  had lost. All  that  he  had given up to chase his dreams.

“Adam,” Shiro whispered. “He was… yes.”

“And how did you  feel about Adam?”

“I loved him,” Shiro said simply. He was not going to cry. He was NOT. He would answer the doctor’s questions but he would not give her this. If a year fighting for his life as a prisoner of the Galra Empire didn’t break him, this doctor was not going to get the satisfaction. Dr. Bazal gave him a calculated look then glanced at her watch. 

“I  believe our time is up for today. I want you to spend  some  time  thinking about what we’ve discussed before your next session.” She looked at him, her pale blue eyes kind but serious. “It’s important.”

Shiro nodded at her, extremely relieved to be finished. “I’ll see you next week,” she said as Shiro stood quickly and hurried for the door, as if he could simply put distance between himself and his past by running from it.

***

Shiro got back to his small, empty apartment filled with boxes yet to  be unpacked , a lease from the Garrison given as a  favor to their former high-ranking officer. He made his way to the shower, dropping his clothes to the floor near the sink. It wasn’t until the warm water  began pouring over his broad shoulders and down his back, causing his body to relax for the first time all morning, that the tears  finally  came. He watched them flow down the drain and disappear, staying hidden, as he sobbed and slid down the tiled wall, curling up on the floor of the shower.

He was relieved that no one  could see how  incredibly  far the Captain of the  _ Atlas _ , former paladin of  Voltron , and ‘Garrison Golden Boy’  had fallen from his pedestal.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know. I broke Shiro! {Hides face in hands}
> 
> The poor guy is being faced with a lot of uncomfortable truths. I'd like to say it's going to get easier, but he's still got a long way to go.
> 
> I'd LOVE to know what you think about this chapter, so please leave a comment!


	5. I'll Be There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro finds out that even though the lions have left and the group split up, there are still no secrets among paladins. His therapist forces him to face some harsh truths.
>
>> “You’re a horrible liar,” Shiro said with a smile. Keith grinned back at him and a flutter stirred in his chest. He was suddenly warm and content for the first time in weeks. “So what’s got you calling me at this hour?”  
> “Nothing much really,” Keith said, looking away from him. “It’s just been a while. I wanted to see how you were doing.”  
> It quickly became obvious that Keith was avoiding eye contact. He was actively looking anywhere except the screen. It only took Shiro a second to figure out what was really going on.  
> “So…” Shiro mumbled. “Who told you?”  
> “Told me what?”  
> “Don’t play dumb,” Shiro said. “You know what. How did you find out? You’re still off Earth somewhere, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [museaway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/museaway/pseuds/museaway) for checking this chapter over for me!

It was ridiculously late when Shiro’s datapad beeped with an incoming call and woke him up from what had been, for once, a deep sleep. He grumbled to himself, rolling over in the bed to grab his device off the side table. He would have liked to ignore it, but calls in the middle of the night were often not good ones, and he worried that something had happened to one of his friends. They might be scattered across different galaxies now, but the paladins were all the family he had. Shiro jerked more awake at seeing his best friend’s call signal flashing on the screen, and quickly told himself that if Keith was in trouble, another Blade would more likely be the one calling.

“Are you bleeding out somewhere?” Shiro  gruffly  asked  in lieu of a more traditional greeting. He looked at the screen with eyes half-closed, but  a feeling of warmth and relief flooded him at seeing the caller on the screen, whole and unharmed.

“Um, no?” Keith answered, confusion coloring his voice. It took him a second to connect the dots. “Oh shit, Shiro - did I wake you up? I didn’t even check the time difference calcs. I’m sorry.”

Shiro eyed him carefully. He wasn’t entirely convinced calling at this hour was an accident. He didn’t  _ look  _ very sorry. In fact, he seemed to be trying to hide a smile. Keith was such a horrible liar. Shiro guessed this was his friend’s way of paying him back for their last conversation. In Keith’s mind, disrupting his sleep would make them even for the amount of aggravation Shiro had caused him when they last spoke. Shiro was willing to accept the lack of sleep, so long as it meant he and Keith were back in good standing. He really didn’t need any more stress at the moment.

“You’re a horrible liar,” Shiro said with a smile. Keith grinned back at him and a flutter stirred in his chest. He was  suddenly  warm and content for the first time in weeks. “So what’s got you calling me at this hour?”

“Nothing much really ,” Keith said, looking away from him. “It’s just been a while. I wanted to see how you were doing.”

It  quickly  became  completely  obvious that Keith was avoiding eye contact. He was  actively  looking anywhere except the screen. It only took Shiro a second to figure out what was  really  going on.

“So…” Shiro mumbled. “Who told you?”

“Told me what?”

“Don’t play dumb,” Shiro said. “You  know what. How did you find out? You’re still off Earth somewhere, right?”

“I’m on  Daibazaal at the moment,” Keith responded, doing what Shiro considered a poor job of avoiding the question. “We were  sort of  in the neighborhood, passing through between missions, so I figured I’d stop by and see my mom.”

“And how is Krolia?” Shiro took the bait, letting his friend off the hook for the moment. It gave him a chance to puzzle out which of their friends would have been the most likely to know about the disaster that had become his personal life. He hadn’t talked to anyone since before the separation, and aside from his daily visits to the gym, Shiro had essentially hidden in his apartment for the last few weeks to avoid facing any public scrutiny on the matter. The Garrison gossip chain could be brutal, and just because he wasn’t working there didn’t mean he was immune to it. Just about everyone living in the area either worked for the Garrison or was tied to it in some way.

“She’s good.  Most of her day is spent keeping her fellow counselors from killing each other,” Keith said with a wry smile. “You  know , typical diplomatic mission.”

Shiro chuckled. “I don’t envy her the peacekeeping position. That’s got to be a hard job  when it comes to the  Galra . How’s Pidge? I haven’t talked to her in a while either.”

Keith squinted at him from the screen, lips bunched to keep himself from smiling. “Just how stupid do you  think I am, exactly ?”

“Dumb enough to  believe I wouldn’t  know which paladin has the inside scoop on everything that happens around here.”

“That’s fair. Pidge knows everything - including a lot of things she shouldn’t. I swear she’s got us all bugged somehow. I wouldn’t put it past her,” Keith remarked. “But it  actually  wasn’t Pidge. Hunk spilled the beans.”

“Hunk? I  thought Hunk was on Altea right now?” asked Shiro. “Last I  knew he was taking a vacation from the culinary world to spend  some  time with Lance for a while.”

“Yeah, so… Hunk apparently heard something from Lance when he got there - who was filled in by Pidge.” Keith gave him a contrite look, an embarrassed blush creeping into his cheeks. “Sorry, Shiro. The lions may be gone, but Team Voltron still has no secrets.”

“Sounds about right,” Shiro griped.

“But I  probably  also should tell you, Pidge found out from Sam, who heard about… things… from Curtis. After the game of telephone, I figured I should  probably  go straight to the source,” Keith explained. His voice got a little softer. “What happened?”

“Curtis left — or I guess, I left. It’s a long story. It’s over. But then, I  think you already  knew that…”

Wide indigo eyes stared at him  carefully  through the screen. “Do you want to talk about it? Or not, that’s ok…”

“I don’t know,” Shiro answered honestly. “I guess I’m still processing everything. Things hadn’t been… going well with Curtis for a while. I think maybe… I think I drove him away.”

Shiro’s last words came out as a whisper. 

“What do you need? What can I do?” Keith asked softly . 

Shiro couldn’t look at Keith. He knew he would see a depth of caring in those violet eyes that he didn’t deserve. He had done so much damage, more than he even realized. To Curtis, to Keith… to himself. He was very aware that Keith would do anything for him. He knew that if he asked, Keith would race back to Earth to help him get through this. But he wouldn’t do that to Keith, to their friendship. 

Shiro felt broken - lost - and he desperately wanted an anchor. From the time he crashed back to Earth and Keith had rescued him from the Garrison, his friend had always been willing to be his grounding force. Shiro had constantly leaned on Keith, physically and emotionally, whenever he needed him, with no questions asked. He hadn’t even realized that he was doing it. Then he had pushed him away and attached himself to someone else, without even considering how much that might hurt Keith in the process.

No, right now he needed to be alone. Shiro recognized that he needed to do what he should have done immediately after the war — get his head on straight. He needed to stop relying on other people and figure out who he was now. He had rationalized that after the war he could slip back into the person he had been before, when he and Adam were planning a life - however short - together. Shiro concluded that he should still want the life he had previously planned - but he hadn’t realized that after all the years of trauma and terror, there was no way he could be the same person he was before the Kerberos mission. He had found someone that reminded him of Adam and tried to live the life he thought he wanted. And that had blown up spectacularly.

Now, before he did anything else, Shiro needed to do the one thing he had avoided for years - self-reflection. Even the thought of it made him shudder. He would rather fight an army than look too deeply into the reasoning behind his decisions over the last few years.

“Shiro?” Keith prompted, sounding worried. He  had n’t realized he  had gotten so lost in his thoughts for so long.

“ I ’m ok,” Shiro responded. “ I ’ll be ok.  I ’m just going to spend  some  time… figuring things out, I guess.  I suppose I should have done that right after the war, instead of jumping right into something with the first guy I  could find.”

Keith’s eyes narrowed slightly . Shiro  thought he almost looked a little pained for a second, but in a blink his friend’s expression was back to his previous passive stare. “That’s… that’s good, Shiro. That’s  really good . You should focus on you for a while. That’s a good idea.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“You  knew — about Curtis. Or at least, you seemed to suspect that he was… not being faithful,” Shiro said, taking a deep breath. He was almost afraid of the answer, but he  had to  know . “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He looked at Keith, eyes boring into those violet depths, as if he might find the answers in the sharp angles of his friend’s face. Keith sighed and looked away.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I wanted to. I was so pissed off when I heard the rumors… Lance convinced me that coming back to Earth and beating the hell out of your husband was a bad idea. There are just… reasons… why Lance didn’t think I should get involved at all, and I think he was right. I can’t - I don’t want you to think I’m pushing this off. I know you’re probably thinking I’m a crap friend, but Shiro - I had my reasons. At some point, I hope, you’ll recognize what those were, but I don’t think now is the time to get into that. I hope you can just take my word for it and trust me, ok?”

“Yeah, no - of course,” Shiro answered. The two of them had been through too much for him to ever doubt Keith’s decisions. If he had felt it was best to let Shiro be blindsided, there had to be a good reason. He didn’t like it, but for now, he had to trust it. He couldn’t imagine a time when he would not trust Keith completely.

“So are we good?” Keith asked.

Shiro looked at him, that familiar sensation of warmth curled up in his chest. Keith was the best person he had ever had in his life. He didn’t know what he would do without him. 

“Always,” he answered.

 

*****

“You mentioned at our previous session that the separation has made you feel ‘more like yourself’. Can you tell me more about that?” Shiro’s therapist said once he had gotten comfortable on her couch. Just once, Shiro thought, it would be nice to be asked what he wanted to talk about during their appointment. But then, if left to his own devices he would never choose to delve into anything relevant, and it would be a huge waste of time. Dr. Bazal could clearly read him pretty well at this point.

“From the time we got together, Curtis always gave me the impression he was the lucky one - like he had won some kind of prize by getting to spend time with me,” Shiro explained. “I felt like I had to live up to that, but I couldn’t. And then he started to realize that the prize he thought he had was actually broken, and not what he’d anticipated. He stopped acting like he was lucky, and instead like he was burdened. I recognized that I was making him miserable, but I had no idea how to fix us, to fix me… To make the two parts work together.”

“What about in your previous relationship - before you first went into space,” Dr. Bazal asked, glancing down to skim  quickly  through her notes. “With… Adam, was it?” Shiro nodded. “Were you able to be yourself with him?”

“Yeah,” Shiro said, “I  think so. I mean, we sort of grew up together a bit , running around the Garrison together. He was  a couple of years ahead of me, but I  was able to advance so  quickly  that we ended up having a few classes together. He was  really  sharp, and we would help each other. We were friends for a while and then… more.”

“So  your first relationship was built on friendship,” Dr. Bazal said. “How did that change? What made you see him differently ?”

“I don’t  know that anything  did change for me, honestly ,” Shiro explained, a small smile sneaking onto his face as he  thought back to his first kiss with Adam so long ago. “Adam was this older, attractive guy… I  think I  had a crush on him from the moment we met.  I didn’t  think I would ever stand a chance with him, so I  just  took whatever he offered. Plus I was on a timeline - a literal deadline - to reach my goals before time ran out, so that was always my priority. I never expected that anyone would want to be with me, not when I might have been  crippled by the time I was thirty.”

“So, would you say  that  you put your goals ahead of your relationship?”

“Yes, definitely .” There was no way Shiro  could deny that, even to himself. “That was the reason we broke things off, before I ever left on the Kerberos mission. He didn’t want me to go, and I refused to pass up what I  knew would be my only opportunity to leave my mark.”

Dr. Bazal looked at him  silently  for a moment. “Do you  think it was fair of you to put yourself, your wants, ahead of Adam’s happiness?”

Well, that threw him for a loop. That was honestly something that never even occurred to him. But it didn’t change what he thought about the situation. “I guess… yes. I had a deadline for my achievements, and Adam didn’t. Regardless of my decision to take the mission, eventually he was going to have to find happiness with someone else. I was never going to be the husband he really wanted or that he deserved. I would have become a burden at some point.”

“Would you say  that  you used your mission - your goals and desire to ‘leave your mark’ as you say -  as a means of pushing Adam away? To save him the pain of watching you waste away later, as you expected?”

Shiro was hit with the fact that Dr. Bazal  really  wasn’t pulling any punches today. He wasn’t  exactly  sure where she was going with it, but he  had a hunch  it would all become clear a lot  sooner  than he was ready for. “I don’t  think I realized that was what I was doing at the time… but looking back, yes. Probably . I didn’t want to push him away, but having him tell me to choose between him and my dreams… It gave me an excuse , certainly .”

“So,” Dr. Bazal paused. “You have  essentially  pushed away your husband just as you did in your previous relationship with Adam. Is Keith the only person who has broken that pattern? Is it different with him somehow? Or have you pushed him away also?”

Shiro envisioned their time toward the end of the war. Things had gotten strained between them for a while, with both of them leading different crews. But they had still been working toward the same goals. There  _ had _ been a distance between them then. Had he put it there himself?

“I…” Shiro swallowed, trying to collect his thoughts. “Keith and I always just… worked. I  think I took that for granted.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“There was definitely a time when Keith and I struggled, around the end of the war. After the battle for Earth,” explained Shiro. “He had saved me - again. From Sendak. And then I stood there and watched him fall out of the sky and did nothing. Just like I had stood helplessly when he was almost killed by Zethrid before that. I felt so guilty, I almost couldn’t bring myself to visit him in the hospital. Every time I looked at him I was reminded of everything he’d done for me and everything I hadn’t been able to do for him.  I could spend the rest of my life trying to balance my side of the scale, but there’s nothing I could ever to do repay what Keith has done for me.  It’s overwhelming.”

“Did Keith blame you?”

“God, no.”

“Why not?”

“Keith has never questioned my decisions or ever blamed me for anything that’s gone wrong, even when he should have.  As much as I came to see us as equals, it always  seemed like he kept me on a pedestal that I never deserved.” Shiro chuckled humorlessly, “I think getting married might have been the first thing I ever did that Keith didn’t like and held me completely responsible for.”

Dr. Bazal prompted, “So was it you  feeling guilty that caused the distance between you? Or something else?”

Shiro sat quietly for a minute, processing the past and his reasoning for his actions. A blurry memory - from his time in the Black Lion’s consciousness. Begging her to move, to save Keith as he fell, because he wouldn’t let go of the person he thought was Shiro. And then the battle he could  vividly picture - Keith flying out of Black toward Sendak. Slicing him in half. Being his protector. His savior.  “I think… I think maybe I did push him away.  No matter how many times he had to save  _ me _ , Keith would never recognize that I was a weight holding him down. He was always capable of greatness, and I didn’t want to hold him back. I was afraid that sooner or later Keith would sacrifice himself trying to protect me. I couldn’t stand the thought of that.”

“So would you say you also pushed Keith away - to protect him?”

Shiro took a breath, letting it out slowly . “I guess… I did. Or I tried to, anyway. After Curtis and I got engaged,  Keith was gone for a while on missions with the Blades and the Coalition. And we didn’t  really  talk. After a while, I realized that he  wasn’t going to reach out, and I missed him. I  could n’t stand not having Keith in my life, so I  started calling him a lot and finding excuses to see him when he was back on Earth. I sort of harassed him into maintaining our friendship, and  eventually  things got back to normal.”

Dr. Bazal gave him a speculative  look . She seemed to be looking back through her notes, her mouth turned down into a frown. Eventually , she looked up and said, “We’ve not talked about your childhood at all, have we?”

“No, I don’t  think so,” Shiro answered. “I’m not sure how that  really  matters. My life was  pretty  boring and typical, and all the challenges I’ve faced didn’t start until after  I was diagnosed as a teenager.”

Dr. Bazal continued as if he  had n’t spoken. “Tell me about when you were  very  little. What were your parents like?”

“I’d  really  rather not talk about it.”

His psychiatrist seemed to recognize a shutdown when she saw one. Nonplussed, she responded, “That’s  perfectly  fine. This is your session, and we have plenty of other things we can explore.”

She made a note on her pad, and Shiro was sure she was making a note to circle back to his childhood at a later date. He planned to put that off as long as  humanly  possible. Dr. Bazal continued, “You mentioned  feeling helpless when the lions fell, and  possibly  this has caused you guilt. Can you tell me about that day? What was your reaction?”

Shiro really didn’t want to discuss this either, but he figured his doctor would not be willing to allow him to dodge every topic he wanted to avoid today. He took a deep breath, holding it and then letting it out slowly to center himself. The only people who were aware of this part of the story were those on the bridge with him that day, and many had been distracted by their own horror and concern for the paladins.

“I  had a panic attack,” Shiro answered in a monotone.

“Have you  had those before?”

“No. That was the first.”

“Then how do you  know that’s what it was?” Dr. Bazal asked. “What were your symptoms?”

“I  was trained early on as a pilot to recognize panic. It’s one of the worst things that can happen when you are in a combat situation,  especially  in a plane.  Freezing up can get you killed, and depending on where you are, other people will die if you crash.  Every pilot and most of the cadets at the Garrison are trained in how to recognize it and shut it down. Clammy skin, nausea, you can’t seem to take a breath no matter how hard you try - it’s  not difficult to identify.”

“If  you were trained in how to ‘shut it down’ as you say, why were you not able to cope that time?  Certainly you ’ve been in plenty of difficult situations over the last few years.”

“I don’t know,” Shiro sighed. “Maybe it was the fact that everyone else on the bridge was going through the same thing. Everyone on the bridge was acquainted with the paladins. Sam’s daughter and Veronica’s brother - they had family up there. They were all my friends. It was kind of a group freak out. I couldn’t get  _ Atlas _ to  _ move… _ . Curtis was the one who saw me collapse. He helped me breathe and pull myself together. He reminded me the paladins needed me.”

“Curtis was there for you; he was a support when you needed it,” she clarified.

“Yes. And he made sure no one else saw how badly I was losing it. He protected me, and my reputation, that day.” Shiro paused, getting his emotions under control. He could still hear Keith’s exhausted voice telling the other paladins that it had been an honor flying with them. It was his code for saying it was a suicide mission. Even picturing the lions falling in his memory still set off his anxiety. “I pulled it together right as the lions were hitting the ground. Iverson scrambled the MFE’s to intercept the other four, and we sent a team to Black since we were closest. We got word on the bridge that the others were all able to get themselves out of their lions. They were injured, and it was painful, but they got out. Allura had it the easiest since she landed in the water and it cushioned the fall. But the team we sent to Black wasn’t able to get to Keith. She wouldn’t open for them, and he wasn’t responding at all. They assumed he was unconscious… or worse. I kept seeing Adam’s name on the memorial wall…” The panic was rising in his chest again, and he took a breath and paused. “I’m not even sure how I got to her. I don’t remember. One minute I was on the bridge, the next I was standing in front of Black. I think someone threw me in a speeder, but I may have just run. I touched Black and got her to open for me, and I bolted for the cockpit…”

Dr. Bazal gave him a few minutes, waiting to see if he would continue on his own. Shiro was staring at the wall, eyes unseeing, lost in the horrors of the past. She prompted gently , “What did you see?”

He looked at her, pupils dilating as she came into focus. He whispered, “So much blood….”

Shiro  could still see it, burned into his brain. A flash picture forever stuck in his memories. Keith, crumpled into a pile in the pilot’s seat, like a marionette with his strings cut. Blood pouring from his mouth, seeping from his eyes, and dripping from the end of one ear. Gashes in his armor, but the internal injuries were  apparent just from looking at him. Basic field medical training was enough to recognize it wasn’t good.

“What did you do?”

“Honestly? I think I just cried,” Shiro croaked in anguish. “Luckily the medics had come in right behind me and started getting him on a board to transport him. Started working on him. He was barely breathing. I went with him on the transporter and didn’t leave his side. Kept telling the medics to save him. I couldn’t even hold his hand - they were both broken and swelling, probably from trying to steer the crash in a way that Black wouldn’t land somewhere that caused more casualties.”

“The trauma suffered is understandable. Men are not machines, Mr. Shirogane,” said Dr. Bazal with sympathy.

“Trauma doesn’t even describe it,” Shiro answered. “I would have rather died again than have to experience that.”

“What makes you say that? Was it everything about that day? Or almost losing your friend?”

“I’d like to say it was the whole day… But it was  probably  Keith, honestly .” He  had been  completely  useless to anyone once they’d gotten to the Garrison med bay. “People looked  to me  to take charge that night, and all I  could do was  look at Sam Holt and tell him ‘Yours is OK’. He took pity on me and took over everything.”

Dr. Bazal looked down at her notes, flicking and tapping on the screen twice. “You  had also  recently  learned of Adam’s death and  were processing that, while Keith’s life was in such great danger. That would have caused  your fear to be elevated \- that you would lose someone else you loved.”

Shiro did not respond, his thoughts still spinning with the past and how close he had come to losing everything. And like an idiot he hadn’t even realized  _ why _ he was so worried about Keith.

“Mr. Shirogane,” his doctor said kindly . “I would like for you to consider this, shall we say, diagnosis?  It seems that you have a habit of pushing people away. In fact, you have done so with every important relationship of your adult life. I would say it is an unconscious emotional self-defense mechanism.”

“O-o-o-kay,” he said. He would have liked to argue with it, but  given the discussion they’d  had over his last few sessions and the state of his personal life, it seemed like a  pretty  solid conclusion. “So what does that mean, exactly ?”

“Come now, you are a smart man,” she chided. “You push everyone away to avoid getting hurt. You say it is to protect them, and in some ways, perhaps that’s true. But take Adam, for instance. Were you  really  protecting him? Or were you protecting yourself from the eventual rejection you  believed you would face when your health deteriorated?”

“I don’t --”

“And your husband. And perhaps Keith as well . You  could not live up to their expectations of you. It was easier to create distance than to accept that any  one  of them might love you unconditionally .”

Speechless. He was truly speechless. Was it possible to have so little self-awareness that you damaged yourself? He gaped at her, mouth opening and closing like a koi fish. No words would come though.

“I can see you have a lot to process. I want you to recognize that this behavior came from somewhere. It did not begin with your first relationship, and we are going to have to delve _deeper_ at some point. I expect you understand what I mean,” she said with a small smile. “When you are ready, come back and we will talk about it.”

Shiro very much did NOT want to talk about it, but Dr. Bazal didn’t sound like there  was going to be much choice in the matter. Shiro  immediately  resolved to put off his next appointment until she wouldn’t let him avoid it any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is reading this story and leaving comments - I love to hear what you think about it!
> 
> I'm going to be exploring a lot of Shiro's backstory in this fic. I feel like his history would speak a lot to his motivations and decision-making, and since we don't know much of anything about it, it's a lot of fun to play with.
> 
> Also come check me out on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/geek_life13) if you want!


	6. Boiling the Frog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro is forced to face some truths and deep feelings he's hidden from himself.
>
>> “I would say your situation is perfectly aligned to that analogy,” his doctor replied.
>> 
>> “Because I’m suffering gradually?” Shiro joked, unable to keep his bad humor from slipping out.
>> 
>> “It isn’t always about suffering. Love can work the same way. Sometimes affection builds so gradually we aren’t aware of it,” explained Dr. Bazal in her calm, quiet manner. “Feelings begin to change, and we doubt ourselves - or ignore them - and it can be easy to avoid recognizing them for what they are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, super shoutout to [museaway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/museaway/pseuds/museaway) for proofing this for me!

Shiro was not an over-thinker. It  had been trained into him through many years in the military that muscle memory and quick thinking saved lives. As a pilot, all actions  had to become second nature. Feelings  had no place in a cockpit or a battlefield. All emotional triggers  had to be suppressed, compartmentalized and pushed down so deeply that they  could n’t impact you.

This training  had saved his life as a prisoner of the  Galra Empire. It helped him train the other paladins and make quick decisions during battle as the leader of Voltron. It  had probably kept him sane in the endless expanse of the Black Lion’s consciousness. His ingrained conditioning  had supported him while Captain of the  _ Atlas _ and snapped him out of sheer panic as he watched his dearest friends - his family - fall to the Earth and their potential deaths.

It  had made him a good soldier and an excellent pilot, but military preparation and emotionless indoctrination was absolute shit for his mental health and personal relationships.

He was a disaster as a husband.

And he  had been absolutely blind to his own feelings for his best friend.

*****

Shiro  had given in a few weeks later, after multiple contacts by Dr. Bazal’s secretary, and returned for a session — under the strict agreement that he was not ready to talk about his childhood. He  had put that all behind him. He saw no reason to dredge it up when there were obviously so many other issues he  could be addressing.

“Is there anything specific you would like to discuss today?” his doctor asked as he got settled in a cushioned chair. “Perhaps something that you’ve been ruminating about since we last spoke.”

He was silent for a moment, considering his options. A lot of things  had been on his mind over the past several weeks. Some of them  had gotten clearer with introspection, but others he was still puzzling out.

Finally, he asked, “How  could I not  know I was in love with my best friend?”

Shiro  had been avoiding contact with Keith since his last therapy session. He wasn’t sure he would be able to talk to him, to keep things “normal”, without somehow giving away his feelings. Keith  could read him better than anyone, and he would  know something was wrong. Shiro didn’t want to field questions there were no answers for. To this point, he  had managed to stall with messages here and there, and he’d been helped by the fact that Keith seemed to be very busy and distracted with his own things lately. Shiro was curious what he’d been up to and was hoping to get himself and his thoughts together enough that they would be able to talk soon.

“Are you familiar with something called ‘boiling the frog’?” Dr. Bazal asked.

“Yes, I think so. We learned about that in one of my classes as a cadet, in relation to staying safe. Something about staying aware of changes to your environment, even if they’re small, because they  could lead to bigger problems. Like a pinprick hole in a hull can cause air loss so gradually that you will eventually suffocate before you can locate the issue,” Shiro explained clinically. “I remembered it because I just kept picturing a poor little green frog in a pot of boiling water. Pretty gruesome.”

“I would say your situation is perfectly aligned to that analogy,” his doctor replied.

“Because I’m suffering gradually?” Shiro joked, unable to keep his bad humor from slipping out.

“It isn’t always about suffering. Love can work the same way. Sometimes affection builds so gradually we aren’t aware of it,” explained Dr. Bazal in her calm, quiet manner. “Feelings begin to change, and we doubt ourselves - or ignore them - and it can be easy to avoid recognizing them for what they are.”

When presented like that, it made so much sense. He had known Keith for such a long time, and he was a kid when they’d first met. Shiro had been young too, but already a pilot and in a serious relationship with Adam. He had _felt_ a lot older than Keith at that point.

Things changed a lot after Voltron came into their lives and space became their home. He  had still been a mentor, a big brother, to Keith - but at some point along the way they  had become equals. Shiro  could n’t pinpoint when exactly things changed, but Keith became his best friend and closest confidant while they were away. 

“Yeah,” Shiro admitted. “That’s probably a good explanation. We’ve known each other a long time and a lot was happening during most of it. There was never that jolt - no instant attraction or anything. Keith has just always been there.”

“Did you not see it? Or did you not want to see it?” Dr. Bazal asked. “We have discussed your propensity for emotional self-protection.”

“Why would I have protected myself from Keith?” Shiro questioned. “I trust him with my life. I have for a long time.”

“You said yourself, there was a lot going on,” she said. “Think back. Are you saying there wasn’t  _ ever _ a time that you looked at your friend differently? That you set those feelings aside?”

Things like memories were sometimes problematic because a lot  had gotten mixed up in his brain due to the whole “clone body-clone memories” issue. Much of his time spent on the castle were memories that  felt like his, but weren’t. It was like watching a movie through someone else’s eyes. He remembered things, but there were no feelings attached. The clone  had been human, but not fully and didn’t  feel as deeply as a normal person would. There was only the occasional twinge of aggravation or anger that  went along with most of the memories, as if the baser instincts were hard wired in somehow. There was only one other memory with any other kind of emotion attached. And Dr. Bazal was right - he was definitely resistant to examining it.

It was the day Keith came back from the abyss with his mother. He  had looked the same, but different. Older, more mature somehow. In his memories he  had noticed how the Blade suit fit tightly to Keith’s body, hugging muscles and curves that weren’t there before he’d left. And Shiro remembered how this body  had reacted, his armor tightening uncomfortably, and the  feeling of  _ lust  _ that rushed through him.

“Holy crap,” blurted Shiro. He  had n’t meant to verbalize it. He didn’t want to have to dive into the fact that his doctor was absolutely on to something.

“Care to share?” Dr. Bazal asked, a small smirk playing at the corner of her lips.

“I did, or at least, this body did.” It was a deflection, and Shiro  knew it. The clone was him, made to be a perfect copy with his biology, thought process, and impulses. It’s why he was able to fool everyone - even Keith. “And I pushed it away. It was right before…”

It was just moments before the hole in his memory, where Haggar must have taken over. There was a blank space between that primal reaction to seeing Keith again and hearing him say “I love you” while Shiro forced his sword toward him. Thinking about it like that made his head spin.

“It was… a series of awful events,” Shiro said. “I saw him, I was controlled… I tried to kill him. And all that time I wasn’t even really myself. When I was… ‘reborn’ for lack of a better term, it took me a while to get my head together.”

“And then…?”

“I pushed it away. I pushed it all away,” said Shiro breathlessly, his words rushing out before he could stop them. “I  could n’t deal with it. So I just ... didn’t.”

“What changed? What was it that you didn’t want to face?”

“He grew up,” Shiro said in a daze. “Keith came back years older. Literally I blinked and he was a grown man. And  _ hot _ .” His face flushed at even admitting it out loud.

He froze in embarrassment but Dr. Bazal questioned, “He was… older? How?”

“Space whale,” Shiro answered, as if that really clarified anything. “It’s a long story, and I didn’t really hear all of it until later, but the short version is that he was stuck somewhere and time moved differently. What was a month or so for the rest of us was two years of time for  Keith. ”

“Why was that a problem, though? You are both young men. Was it because it narrowed the age difference between you? That he seemed to not need you as a mentor anymore?”

“Maybe?” answered Shiro. “I’m not sure. I mean, I thought of Keith as more of my legacy - like the child I was never going to have, carrying on and doing amazing things after I would be long gone.”

“That doesn’t really answer the question though. Why was the change in Keith a problem that you  could n’t face?”

“I don’t  know ,” Shiro stonewalled, hoping that she would stop pushing him. He should have known better.

“Really, Mr. Shirogane. Your best friend comes back older, looking different. Why would that create a problem for  _ you _ ?”

The look on her face that said she already  knew the answer infuriated him. “Because I was  _ attracted _ to him!”

“Were you afraid he would reject you? Did you not realize he shared your preference for men?”

“No. If anything, it was the opposite.”

“So you  knew that he was attracted to you.”

“Not… exactly,” Shiro said. “I  had … an inkling. Adam  had said something. A long time ago.”

 

Flashback

_ The door to the apartment opened, and Adam walked in with a smile that faded slightly at seeing Keith lounging casually on their couch. There was no surprise on Adam’s face, nor should there have been. The longer Keith  _ _ had _ _ been at the Garrison, the more often he  _ _ had _ _ visited with Shiro at their place. Keith  _ _ had _ _ been there for over two years now, so he  _ _ had _ _ become fairly comfortable in Shiro and Adam’s home. Shiro was glad that Keith  _ _ felt _ _ like he  _ _ could _ _ relax there, and he was happy to be able to provide a safe space for Keith. He  _ _ knew _ _ that it  _ _ had _ _ been a long time since the poor kid  _ _ had _ _ any kind of decent home life. He also figured that the more comfortable he  _ _ could _ _ make Keith at the Garrison, the more successful he would be overall. There was nothing Shiro wanted more than for Keith to be able to reach higher and go farther than whatever Shiro himself would be able to accomplish before his time was up. Keith would be his legacy long after Shiro himself was gone. _

_ Keith sat up on the couch as Adam approached, scooting closer to Shiro to make room. Adam sat down in the empty seat, then looked at Keith over the top of his glasses. _

_ “Do you  _ _ know _ _ what time it is, cadet?” he asked with a firm voice and a grin. _

_ Keith looked down at his watch, then flew up off the couch. “Crap! Shiro, why didn’t you tell me it was almost curfew!” _

_ Shiro looked at him with a guilty expression as Keith scrambled to find his jacket and shoes. “Sorry, I wasn’t paying any attention.” _

_ “I  _ _ gotta _ _ run - like literally!” Keith said quickly as he shoved his feet into his boots. “See ya, Shiro. Bye, Adam!” _

_ And then he was through the door, and Shiro assumed, bolting down the hallways to get to his own room before curfew. He only  _ _ had _ _ five minutes, but Shiro was confident Keith  _ _ could _ _ make it. He was lightning fast when he wanted to be. And God  _ _ knew _ _ he  _ _ could _ _ n’t afford another curfew infraction. Even Shiro  _ _ could _ _ n’t use his pull to get him out of them at this point. _

_ Adam turned and gave Shiro a meaningful look. “You  _ _ know _ _ that kid is half in love with you, right?” _

_ It was said very matter-of-factly, with just a hint of a smile that said Adam found it funny but wanted Shiro to be aware he was serious. _

_ “Oh,  _ _ c’mon _ _ ,” Shiro replied with a smile, “We’re friends. I  _ _ know _ _ he looks up to me. Besides, it’s not like you and I didn’t hang out a lot when I was still a cadet. It’s no different.” _

_ “It fucking better be, Takashi,” Adam said with a short laugh, sarcasm creeping into his deep voice. “You and I were together then, if you remember. Is there something else going on that I should  _ _ know _ _ about? Are you training up young Keith for something other than flight drills?” _

_ Shiro did not appreciate the raised eyebrow and smirk his partner was giving him. “Adam!” he exclaimed. He was shocked that he would even joke about something like that. “That’s ridiculous, and you  _ _ know _ _ it. It’s not like that.” _

_ “I  _ _ know _ _ ,” Adam said, scooting closer and pulling Shiro in to snuggle at his side with his head pillowed in the crook of Adam’s neck. “Just _ _... _ _ be careful with him. Ok, Takashi? Keith is, what, going to be seventeen soon? He’s not a child.” _

_ “I don’t  _ _ know _ _ why you’re making things weird. Keith doesn’t see me like that,” Shiro argued. “I’m more like an older brother.” _

_ “If that makes you  _ _ feel _ _ better, fine. But I don’t think you see everything as clearly as I can from the outside,” Adam explained softly as he ran his hand through Shiro’s undercut and gently massaged his scalp. “Plus, I might be a little biased. After all, I am in the perfect position to recognize exactly how easy it is to fall in love with you.” _

_ He leaned down and captured Shiro’s lips with his own, and all thoughts of Keith  _ _ had _ _ left him for the rest of the evening as he was swept away in Adam’s affection. _   
  


“It wasn’t long after that I heard an obscene rumor about Keith and another cadet - some guy in his year. Students always like to gossip about other people’s personal lives, so I didn’t  know if it was true or not,” Shiro said to Dr. Bazal.

Part of him  had dismissed it completely, but in the back of his mind it made him question if Adam was knowledgeable about a lot more than he’d let on. Then in a flash he’d been given the Kerberos mission, thrown away his relationship with Adam, and been caught up in a whirlwind of preparations for going to space. Whatever Keith may have  felt about him at that time was so far down his list of priorities it was nonexistent.

“You were afraid Keith  _ would _ want you,” his doctor said. A statement of fact - not a question. She would not allow him to deny himself the truth behind his actions any longer. “And it scared you. Your self defense mechanism kicked in - you locked away your feelings and pushed your friend away.”

It sounded so simple when she said it that way. Clinical, void of emotion. He nodded, unable to bring himself to voice it aloud around the lump forming in his throat.

“Recognition is half the  battle,” said Dr. Bazal. “But as I’ve said before, this all comes from somewhere. I  know you are hesitant to dig too deep into the causes of your behavior, but it will be difficult  to truly overcome your tendencies if you do not face them completely.”

“But I  know that I’m doing it now. I can stop. I can make better choices.”

“That’s true,” Dr. Bazal said. “But healing the mind is rarely that simple. Behaviors that become engrained are rooted somewhere, generally very deep. And like a weed with a long root, pulling off the top will make no difference - it will simply come right back. Only by pulling up the root can you remove it completely.”

“I have to know _why_ I’m doing something in order to stop doing it?” That seemed a little ridiculous to Shiro, but then again he wasn’t the psychiatric professional in the room.

“Precisely.”

*****

One of the few positive aspects of failing at a marriage so early on in the process was that divorce proceedings  went much faster than Shiro  had anticipated. They  had discussed buying a house together but  had never found the time - something they were both relieved for now. No children or even a shared pet - just taking the few things they  had brought into their home and getting rid of the rest. It was the worst mistake Shiro may have ever made but ironically the easiest to fix.

Curtis was a large part of the reason things were being handled so smoothly, and Shiro  could n’t help but be a little glad he  had found someone else already. He was a good man - he deserved much more than Shiro  had ever given him. And he  knew that his husband’s desire to put this all behind him and move on as quickly as possible was speeding things along.

Shiro never  had been the type of person to wallow. When the wind shifted, he wanted to take action. Bailing out of an impending crash in time to save all the passengers was more important than ruminating over the engine failure.

Their last meeting to sign the final paperwork for their divorce was amicable, and Shiro  had hope that he and Curtis  could remain friends in some manner. He was thinking of going back to work at the Garrison, and he would hate for that to make things awkward for Curtis.

Lawyers gone, tablet signed and marriage officially ended, Shiro was left looking at Curtis across the table of the Garrison conference room. There seemed to be nothing left to say - they  had both apologized so many times it would be ridiculous to say it again. What did you say to the man you thought would be with you forever when you’d driven him away?

Curtis broke the silence, surprising Shiro by broaching a subject he  had n’t expected. “I hope you can be happy, Shiro. If you let him, I think if anyone is capable of making you whole, it’s him.”

Shiro gave his - now officially  ex \- husband with a puzzled look.

“Don’t act like you don’t  know who I’m talking about. I never told you about my conversation with Keith before the wedding, did I? I should have known then. I don’t think anyone in the universe is capable of matching the devotion that man has to you,” Curtis chuckled humorlessly. “That was one hell of a shovel talk. He  basically - no , he  _ absolutely _ threatened my life if I ever hurt you. When things started going downhill with us, it definitely crossed my mind that I might be in danger if I left you.”

“You may not want to  know that he  _ did _ mention wanting to harm you at one point.” Shiro said with a smirk.

“That doesn’t surprise me at all.”

“I can’t believe you were scared of Keith,” Shiro huffed.

“Have you met him? Of course he doesn’t scare you. He would literally rather die than hurt you,” responded Curtis. “To the rest of us mere mortals, Keith is not someone you want to cross.”

Shiro  could n’t really argue with that assessment. Anyone in the universe who’d met Keith recognized he wasn’t someone to take lightly. He got to see the softer side of his friend so often, Shiro didn’t always remember how lethal he  could be. Especially when he was protecting someone he cared about.

“We both screwed up,” said Shiro. “You don’t have to worry about Keith - or anyone else for that matter. If we can be grownups about this whole thing, I’m sure everyone else will, too.”

Shiro gave him a small smile, reaching across the table for his  ex -husband’s hand. “Thank you.”

Curtis seemed surprised. “For what?”

“For trying,” Shiro answered, with a sad smile. “I hope the next guy deserves you.”

Curtis gave him a sad smile in return. “You too, Shiro.”

As they stood up from the table and moved toward the door, Shiro stopped and held out his hand. Curtis looked at him for a moment before taking it. They pulled each other into a one-armed hug, hands still clasped between them. 

Shiro wasn’t even sure which of them  had initiated it, but he was grateful nonetheless. He soaked up the warmth, knowing it would probably be a long time before he  felt such a caring touch again.

As goodbyes  went , it certainly  could have been worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to hear what you think of the Flashback scene with Adam. After I wrote this, I read [Some Corner of Another World](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15779565) by imagines and I was blown away by how alike our takes were on Adam & Keith's relationship. I would HIGHLY suggest you take a minute to read that fic!! It ties in amazingly well to this chapter.
> 
> Come find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/geek_life13) if you want!


	7. Winter Holiday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro is excited to be spending the Winter Holiday with Lance and his family but gets a surprise when Keith brings someone along to join them. Thinking about the future begins to look a lot differently now that Shiro recognizes what - and who - he really wants.
>
>>   
> “Looks like he listened to me, for once,” said Lance as they watched the dust and small amount of smoke swirl around the ship. “I told Keith we had plenty of room for them, so he didn’t need to fly anything big enough to sleep in.”  
> “Them?” Shiro asked nervously just as the plane door opened with Keith and another man coming into view and beginning to descend the stairs.  
> “Yeah,” Lance replied. “Oh, did he not tell you he was bringing someone?”  
> “No…” Shiro trailed off. He watched as Keith and the other man walked toward them across the launchpad, holding hands and talking to each other quietly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE: Winter Holiday is a future Voltron-era thing that takes place in December. At some point in the future, America becomes much more poly-religious — and Winter Holiday is an all-inclusive event that was created to allow everyone to celebrate their various religious traditions together. Since its founding and after a few periods of religious fervor bordering on zealotry, America gradually became much more secular. The holiday is a holdover tradition that endured over several generations and became more important as families reunited after the Galra War.
> 
> Special thanks to my beta DropsOfAutumn for helping with this chapter!

Shiro didn’t have much of an opportunity to sit around and ruminate over the end of his marriage. Only a few weeks later, as he was finally settling into his apartment and getting used to the unending silence, he got a call from Lance inviting him to come for a visit. It seemed that the annual Winter  Holiday was taken very seriously by his family, and all of his brothers, sisters and their own families would be coming to the farm for the celebration.

Although Shiro and Curtis had been invited the previous year, they had chosen to spend their first (and  what proved to be their only)  holiday alone together. Although Shiro hadn’t made any announcement to his friends that he was officially divorced, Lance obviously knew that he would be on his own for the  holiday this year. He had insisted that Shiro join him and his family, and the brief mention that Keith might be coming as well had obliterated any notion of Shiro turning down the offer.

He missed his friends – he missed Keith – and he knew it would be better for him to be surrounded by Lance’s lively family than home alone with too much silence.

Shiro was getting better about introspection but that didn’t mean he sought it out or found enjoyment in it.

He contacted Lance’s sister at the base and made arrangements to catch a ride with her to the farm in Cuba. Shiro would be picking up a teaching assignment at the Garrison after the new year began, but for the time being his schedule was still open. That made it easy to arrange to leave with Veronica and Shiro assumed he would either come back with her or catch a commercial flight if needed. 

Having too much free time and no partner to adjust his schedule for certainly made travel arrangements much easier if nothing else.

The positive to being escorted by Veronica  was arriving first, two days before the feast the family had planned. 

“Shiro!” Lance greeted him as he stepped off the small plane, hauling his luggage as well as Veronica’s. He rushed over to help take some of the bulk from Shiro’s hands. Noticing his sister coming just behind and empty-handed, he gave her a dirty look. “What? Are you too good to carry your own stuff now?”

“He offered!” She answered indignantly.

“It’s the least I can do, Lance,” interceded Shiro. “Veronica went to the trouble of borrowing the bird and handled the piloting.”

“It was a short trip,” Lance said. “Besides, I’m shocked you didn’t demand to fly. It’s been a while. I’m sure you miss it.”

“I do,” Shiro admitted with a partial smile. “But I’m not officially employed by the Garrison again until next month. It’s signed out to her, so she’s got to fly.”

“Psssht,” Lance scoffed. “I’m guessing being Captain of the  _ Atlas _ still has its perks when you need them.”

“Not as much as you’d think, unfortunately,” Shiro answered with a shrug.

Flying the  _ Atlas _ had been an amazing experience, but once the  war was over and Earth’s leadership began settling back into some form of normalcy, it had become a political nightmare. While the nations of Earth were perfectly comfortable with Shiro taking the helm in battle, it seemed they were not so trusting during peacetime.

As soon as peace had been established and reconstruction underway, the question of who “owned” the  _ Atlas _ , and therefore had the power to  utilize Earth’s greatest weapon, became a predominant political concern. Since Shiro was the only person able to unleash the full mecha-power of  _ Atlas _ , many world leaders  felt it was  potentially too much power to allow in one person’s hands.

From a democratic standpoint, Shiro  could n’t argue with the assessment. It didn’t take long for everyone to agree that the safest decision for everyone was to ground the Atlas  indefinitely . 

The Coalition, representing Earth’s interests within the universe, retained the right to recall Atlas into action as needed. But as many nations were  highly focused on rebuilding their cities and societies, most were in  favor of leaving the rest of the universe to their own devices for the time being.

With the decision to ground  _ Atlas _ , it had seemed like a good time for Shiro to retire, taking himself out of the political fray and ensuring no one on Earth had the power to  utilize the giant robot capabilities. Sad as it was, it left Shiro with the prospect of a new chapter of his Garrison life.

“So  what are you going to do when you go back to the Garrison?” Lance asked as they made their way to the guest quarters where Shiro would be staying.

“Teaching,” answered Shiro with a smile. “I’m actually really looking forward to it. I expect it’ll be like old times.”

“Military brats in simulators. Ah, to be young again,” Lance commented with a dramatic sigh.

Shiro laughed. “You  _ are _ young!”

“Doesn’t always  feel like it, that’s for sure.”

Sensing the sudden change in the atmosphere between them, Shiro put his free hand on Lance’s shoulder to stop the younger man’s forward movement. “You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, Lance. There’s still a lot to do. For both of us.”

“I know, Shiro,” Lance said. “It’s just tough trying to picture the future sometimes.  Especially when it doesn’t  look anything like  what you had planned.”

“ Believe me, I understand the  feeling ,” Shiro said, unable to stop a bitter smile from twisting his lips. “It will all work out the way it’s supposed to, though. I’ve got more faith in that now than I did before. I figure with Allura at the helm of the universe, she’ll make sure we can all be happy. It’s  what she would want.”

“Is that  really how you see it? That she’s, like, embedded somehow into fate?” Lance asked, his voice sad but curious.

“Yes,” replied Shiro  solemnly . “I do. I guess I have to see it that way – that somehow there was a purpose to losing her. It gives me a sense of peace to imagine her looking out for us.”

“Like an Altean angel…” Lance said  softly, directing his eyes briefly to the sky where he seemed to be searching for something . Or someone.

“I guess. I don’t know… I’ve never been much for religion. When I was little, my grandfather used to talk about how our ancestors became our guardian spirits. He had a little shrine he’d use sometimes. I guess that kind of stuck with me,” Shiro explained as Lance started walking again and he fell into step beside him. “Given  what we know about quintessence… Grief is hard. As humans it’s natural for us to try to make some sense of it, even if we can never  really understand the loss.”

“I like that,  actually . I talk to her sometimes…” Lance trailed off. “Do you  think that’s crazy?”

“Not at all. There’s nothing wrong with that, Lance,” Shiro said  softly . “I’d like to believe she hears you.”

“Me too,” Lance replied, leading Shiro through the door and down the hallway to drop his bags in the guest room.

 

******

The next day Shiro and Lance ambled out into the warmth of the afternoon sun when they heard the sound of ship thrusters activating for landing. The rest of Lance’s family had arrived earlier in the morning, so there was only one person missing from their gathering, and Shiro tried to school his excitement at the sight of the sleek ship coming in to land. When they got to the launchpad, they stood together at a distance to allow the plane to settle and go through the procedures for powering down.

“Looks like he listened to me, for once,” said Lance as they watched the dust and small amount of smoke swirl around the ship. “I told Keith we had plenty of room for them, so he didn’t need to fly anything big enough to sleep in.”

“Them?” Shiro asked  nervously just as the plane door opened with Keith and another man coming into view and beginning to descend the stairs.

“Yeah,” Lance replied. “Oh, did he not tell you he was bringing someone?”

“No…” Shiro trailed off. He watched as Keith and the other man walked toward them across the launchpad, holding hands and talking to each other  quietly . 

“They’ve been together for a few months. I guess it’s gotten serious pretty  quickly ,” Lance explained. He gave Shiro a shrewd  look . “I  thought you’d be happy he’s  finally settling down.”

Instead of replying Shiro pasted on a smile as the two men approached them. It widened into a real one as he made eye contact with Keith, holding out his hand for him to take. They  easily slid into their trademark hug in greeting, and Shiro had to force himself not to hold him too close or too long.  Angering Keith’s friend before they had even met would be a bad start to the  holiday .

“It’s so good to see you,” said Shiro, unable to pry his eyes away from Keith’s angular face. Although they had spoken  regularly , he hadn’t seen him in person since the wedding almost two years ago. Keith seemed comfortable and carried himself with more confidence than he remembered. It struck him that every time he saw Keith in person, he was even  _ more  _ than before.

“You too,” Keith said, stepping away from Shiro to give Lance a hug too. He stepped back and reached for his guest, who was hovering  quietly a step behind as the former paladins embraced each other. “This is Daigo.”

The way Keith’s face lit up as he smiled at his boyfriend made the little green monster in Shiro begin stabbing his stomach with sharp knives. 

He used to be the one that got that smile. 

And he’d taken it for granted.

“It’s so nice to  finally meet Keith’s closest friends,” said Daigo  warmly . He clasped his hands together in front of him and bowed  slightly toward Lance and Shiro. They were well versed enough in alien greetings to  recognize one, and they both mimicked his greeting in return.

“Nice to meet you too!” said Lance. “I’m so glad you guys  could come!”

“Thanks for the invite, man,” Keith replied. “It’s going to be kind of weird to be doing the whole Winter  Holiday thing. It’s been a few years. Since it’s an Earth thing, I haven’t been around anybody that  really celebrates in a long time. It’s going to be nice to introduce Daigo to some of the old traditions I grew up with.”

“Where are you from?” Shiro inquired, looking  closely at the man in question. His eyes were yellow like the Galra but otherwise he looked almost human, except for his ruddy skin that was almost maroon in  color . He had a somewhat flat nose and pointed ears that drew attention to his sharp cheekbones. Daigo’s head was bald and reflected the afternoon sunlight. Shiro was most intrigued by the  blue triangular markings on his chin, almost like a goatee. He wondered if those were natural like the Altean ones that now marked Lance’s face.

“I am Arielian  originally , but it’s been so long since I was there, I can  barely remember it,” Daigo explained as they all began walking toward Lance’s house. His voice carried an unfamiliar accent. “As soon as I was old enough, I left to join a small band of resistance fighters. We  traveled our galaxy helping different planets try to resist the Empire and running shipments of contraband and medical supplies to those in need. For the last few years I’ve been working with a small group that is helping the Coalition transport goods and establish trade contracts between planets.”

“Important work,” commented Shiro with a nod. “The Coalition is lucky to have people like you who are willing to help.”

“We must do  what we can to form the kind of world we want to live in,” Daigo replied, taking Keith’s hand and squeezing it as he gazed at him  softly .

“Well, you’re  obviously in good company with that sentiment,” Lance said. He was veering off the  path to walk around the house, the rest of them following along like dutiful ducklings. “Let me show you guys where you’ll be staying so you can get settled.”

He led them around the house to  what looked to be a grouping of small huts spread out around a cul-de-sac. Shiro was surprised he hadn’t noticed them yesterday as Lance had shown him around the farm, but they were obscured from the main house by a line of palms and greenery. The huts were all painted a bright  blue and had different  colored doors to distinguish them from each other. The steep thatched roofs gave them even more character. 

Lance led them to the hut with a green door, opening it to let them step inside. With a flourish, he said, “Welcome to Hacienda Tres!”

Shiro followed behind, ducking his head  slightly through the doorway. The inside was open and airy, with a high ceiling. Painted white with tropical  colored accents, the hut was  extremely welcoming and  cozy . It was made up of one large room, with a bed off to one side behind some screens. The rest of the area included a couch and a small kitchenette area. A door toward the back of the hut led to  what Shiro assumed was the bathroom. 

“Wow, Lance,” Keith said,  clearly impressed. “This is  really nice!”

“It’s the smallest one, but you guys don’t need as much room. We built these so my brother and sister would both have a little more room with their kids.  Putting too many people in the main house gets  really crowded,  really fast,” Lance explained, scrunching his face in disgust. He turned to Keith and gave him an eyebrow wiggle and a smirk. “I figured you guys might want the extra privacy.”

Setting down his bag, Daigo moved over to place an arm at Keith’s back. “It’s most  definitely appreciated,” he said to Lance with a smile.

Shiro became  singularly focused on trying not to throw up in his mouth.

“We should let you get settled and rest from your trip,” Shiro suggested, suddenly extremely eager to escape the hut. Catching sight of the bed out of the corner of his eye was causing his stomach to churn.

“Good idea,” Lance agreed. He took another few minutes to show them where to find extra towels – and sheets, because Shiro hadn’t been suffering enough,  apparently . “Just head up to the house when you’re ready, or I’ll send you a message to come join us for dinner later.”

“Sounds good,” Keith said. “Thanks, Lance.”

With that, Shiro escaped as  quickly as he  could , waiting outside for Lance to walk back to the house.

 

*****

Rising early the following morning and noticing the beautiful, clear weather, Shiro decided to go for a early-morning run.  Knowing the temperature was  probably already warm, he threw on a  grey tank with his shorts.  He saw Veronica in the kitchen as he looked for some water he  could grab to take along.

“ Taking a run on the beach?” she asked.

“I didn’t  realize we were that close to one,” he answered. “That sounds fun though. How do I get there from here?”

After getting directions to the water and tips on a good route to take for his run, Shiro took a few minutes to stretch on the back porch before taking off at a leisurely pace.

The bright blue water, white sand and clear blue sky were a beautiful backdrop to his run, calming him even further as he settled into an almost meditative state. He could definitely see why the Blue Paladin loved it here so much.

As he was making the circuit back toward Lance’s house, Shiro  could see another figure approaching across the beach in the distance.  Getting closer he  recognized Keith,  obviously also out for a morning jog. They both slowed to a stop when they got to the same spot.

Keith’s shirtless chest was flushed pink from his run, gleaming with a sheen of sweat from the bright sun shining overhead. Shiro tried very hard (though completely unsuccessfully) not to notice exactly how muscular he had gotten over the last few years.

“Decided to get in a workout too, huh?” Keith asked, leaning over to stretch out his legs. Shiro took in the view of the long line of his back and the knobs of his spine leading up to his black hair pulled back in a ponytail. When he stood back up, a bead of sweat trailed down his face, and Shiro watched as it followed a  path down his neck before pooling in his  sharply defined collarbone.

He licked his lips and then  quickly scrambled to open the bottle in his hand, desperate to slake at least one portion of his sudden thirst.

“Yeah,” he answered, hoping the roughness of his voice  could be attributed to the workout. “Figured I shouldn’t let myself slack off on vacation or it would be worse when I get back to the gym next week.”

“Me too,” Keith said with a grin.

“Want to finish up together?” It had been a  _ long _ time since he’d shared a run with his best friend, and he’d yet to have any time to hang out with Keith alone.

“I’ve still got a few more miles, and it looks like you’re headed back?” asked Keith and Shiro nodded. “If you let me know next time though, I’ll go with you. That is if you can keep up, Old-Timer!”

They both laughed and Shiro taunted, “Just for that, we’ll race.”

“Just remember my legs are just as long as yours,” Keith smirked. At that Shiro  could n’t help but glance down at said legs, which would  look spindly if they weren’t also so muscular.

Shiro blinked away the errant  thought of  what those legs would  look like on his shoulders.

“I’m sure I’ve still got enough energy to take you,” teased Shiro with a smile. He  realized his mouth was going to run him right into trouble if he didn’t get away soon. “I’m going to head back. I’ll see you later?”

“Yep,” Keith replied before jetting off at a quick pace past him.

Shiro  internally cursed himself for turning around to watch him go.

But he also didn’t stop himself from appreciating the curve of Keith’s ass as he ran away.

 

*****

After showering and changing into lightweight black shorts and a white t-shirt, Shiro grabbed his data pad and some fruit from a basket on the dresser and wandered into the main living area of the house. He spent a few hours lazing around, enjoying the sounds of Lance’s nieces’ and nephews’ laughter and running feet echoing through the house. It was nice to be surrounded by a family like this – an experience Shiro had never had before. The closest he had ever gotten to a family dynamic was with the paladins.

He often missed it when he was home alone – Lance and Keith’s affectionate bickering, Pidge’s snark and constant tinkering, Coran’s wackiness, Hunk’s persistent desire to feed them all like a mother hen. Allura’s calm strength.

For everything they had gone through, living on the Castle with them – his family – had been  possibly the best experience of his life.

He wondered if he would ever have anything like it again.

Eventually , Keith and Daigo wandered into the large sitting area and  quickly got pulled into a game some of the kids were playing. Daigo laughed and seemed to be having a good time figuring out the rules of the game. Keith smiled  fondly at him, giving Shiro incentive to focus on the book he was reading across the room.

Keith seemed happy. And he wanted Keith to be happy.

Lance had found him  briefly and then gone off to help prepare lunch, denying Shiro’s offer to help and insisting that as guests they were supposed to relax and enjoy themselves. Lunch would be a light affair anyway, since the Winter  Feast would be taking place later that night.

At some point the game they were playing broke up as the children decided to go outside to play, and Keith and Daigo settled into a couch near Shiro to chat.

“So the two of you both travel a lot. Do you go together? Or does that make it more difficult?”

“Yeah,“ Keith answered. “Sometimes we’re able to join up for a mission or we’re both going the same way so we can travel together. Other times we have to go a few weeks without seeing each other. We make it work.”

He shrugged and took Daigo’s hand, clasping their fingers together  tightly .

“At some point, I expect we will settle down somewhere more  permanently ,” Daigo said giving Keith a wink. “I know Krolia would like to see that.”

“When mom met him, she suddenly couldn’t stop talking about grand-kits,” Keith said to Shiro with an embarrassed twist to his mouth. “It’s like she can’t wait to get a second chance to help raise a little part-human. God only knows what they would look like.”

“ _ Seenah _ , your children would be gorgeous, like you,” Daigo said  sincerely , looking at Keith with adoration. “I bet you were an adorable child.”

Shiro  could n’t help but smile as memories from long ago floated to the forefront of his mind. “He was,” he said without  thinking .

Keith startled and pulled his attention away from his boyfriend to  look at Shiro with surprise. He seemed to be at a loss for words.

“That’s right,” Daigo said, looking at Shiro with kind appreciation. “I’d forgotten that you knew him when he was young.”

“We were both kids,  really ,” Shiro clarified. He focused his gaze on Keith, who seemed uncomfortable but was trying hard not to be. “You were,  what fourteen when we met? I  think I was  maybe eighteen or nineteen. I’d just started getting to do solo pilot missions. That’s why they were sending me out to do recruiting – they figured I was so young the kids would relate to me better.”

“Garrison Golden Boy,” Keith smirked, but Shiro  could see the hint of fondness. Those days seemed like a lifetime ago. In some ways they were. Both of them were  completely different people now, altered by their experiences.

“Keith told me you were the one that made him a pilot,” Daigo said. “ Taking him under your wing, as you say.”

“After he stole my car,” Shiro laughed. Daigo’s eyes widened in surprise, and Keith chuckled. “Don’t  think he was some innocent angel child. Keith was a spitfire from the start.”

Shiro  could n’t keep the affection out of his voice if he tried. He was always proud of Keith, but  thinking about just how far he’d come from the first time they had met, Shiro was amazed at the man he had become. It made it more obvious to him that he didn’t  think of Keith like that little boy anymore – and hadn’t for a very long time. It was  slowly becoming clear to him how  deeply in denial he’d been about his friend and the way he  really viewed him. It had been easier to distance himself, to keep pretending he was Keith’s mentor. To protect them both from damaging their friendship. He had pushed him away when he should have  realized that Keith was the one solid structure in his life he  could always count on.

“Spitfire? Is that like  _ feisty _ ?” Daigo questioned. As Keith and Shiro both nodded, he gazed at Keith with a half-lidded gaze Shiro wished he  could n’t interpret so  easily . “Oh, I can  definitely see that!”

Keith, whose face was blooming with a lavender-tinted blush, leaned toward Daigo and hid his face in his neck. Daigo whispered something in his ear too low for Shiro to hear, and his stomach churned. He hated this. Hated seeing Keith happy and discussing the future so  comfortably with this man. And he hated himself for resenting it.

“I didn’t  realize you wanted to have kids,” Shiro said to Keith, trying to refocus the discussion and  purposefully interrupting their private murmuring.

“Someday, sure,” Keith answered. He chuckled  uncomfortably , “Besides, I get the  feeling Krolia isn’t going to give me much choice!”

For some reason, the  thought of Keith with children shook him. Once it occurred to him, he  could n’t stop  thinking about it. Keith would be a great dad. Shiro had seen him interact with the orphans they had encountered just after the  war , when the Atlas was first helping with disaster relief before he retired. Keith had been good with them, and Shiro knew he  could relate to them in a way many  could not.

His gaze  swiveled from his friend to Daigo and back again. 

“You’ve talked about that? Already?” He asked with surprise.

Keith glanced  quickly at Daigo, giving him a shy smile. “Yeah, a little.”

“Oh.” There was a tiny creature crawling around inside Shiro’s chest, clawing and scratching at his insides. He assumed it was green. He wished he could rip it out and stomp on it. The thought of Keith tying himself to this man – having children with him – was making him feel physically ill. He pushed down the knot rising in his chest and willed himself to keep his composure. 

It wasn’t his business. He  could n’t say anything. 

He had no right.

Shiro was saved from any awkwardness trying to escape from the conversation by Lance coming to let them know lunch was ready. Atop his head was a bright red Santa hat with the white pom pom hanging  jauntily to the side.

“That’s a nice hat,” Keith commented with a smirk. Lance  promptly plucked the hat off of his head and pushed it down onto Keith’s.

“Looks better with your mullet!” laughed Lance. Keith smiled, straightening the hat onto his head.

“It’s too long to be called a mullet at this point,” commented Shiro. Keith’s hair had grown well past his shoulders and from  what he had seen, Keith tended to wear it pulled back or in a braid. He wondered if it was still as soft as it had been when he was young and Shiro used to ruffle it to mess with him.

“Old habits die hard, man, " Lance said. “It’ll always be a mullet to me.”

Keith chuckled, then turned to Daigo. “What do you  think ?”

“You do  look good in red,” Daigo murmured, wrapping his dark crimson arms around Keith in a hug and giving him a heated  look that made Shiro uncomfortable even being present for it. 

Lance sputtered and laughed, “Well, I guess we know you’re not shy!”

“I have the most amazing man in the universe next to me,” replied Daigo with a small smile. “There is no reason to be shy about that.”

A blush crept over Keith’s cheeks at the comment. Though he certainly couldn’t disagree with the sentiment, Shiro was left wondering if the man was always so over the top. Was this overt affection for Keith real? Or was he putting on a show for Keith’s friends, trying to earn approval of their relationship? 

He wouldn’t have  thought Keith would enjoy being gushed over. But then again, Shiro knew better than most how much Keith valued praise from people he respected. It was one of the things he’d  utilized when Keith was young to earn his trust.  Seeing how Keith lit up at his words made him wish Daigo would just stop.

And then he  felt guilty. 

He wanted Keith to be happy - had  _ always _ wanted that for him. Yet now he  could n’t stand to watch someone else making it happen.

 

*****

Later that night as he settled into bed, Shiro  could n’t help but  think back over the conversation he’d had with Keith and Daigo earlier. He was jealous. He knew that much. But he wasn’t  really sure why. 

Children weren’t something he had ever  really considered. At one point Curtis had brought up adopting, suggesting there were, so many children orphaned from the  war . Shiro had  balked at the idea. Had it been the idea of having children that bothered him or just having them with Curtis?  Maybe he had always known in the back of his mind they weren’t going to last. 

As he closed his eyes and relaxed into the soft pillows and blankets surrounding him, a picture formed unbidden in his mind. Night sky eyes – Keith’s eyes. But set in the face of a very young girl,  probably toddler-age, with long raven hair. 

And his own smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really enjoying torturing Shiro with angst and jealousy :D
> 
> To clarify the part of the story where they discuss having kids, I am operating under my own belief that in the future (where ‘Voltron’ obviously happens) same-sex couples will have the ability to have children with genetics that come from both parents. I swear I read an article once where they are already beginning experiments toward this eventual end - and it sounded awesome, so I’m running with it! I’ll also assume that with the advanced tech from other places in the universe, maybe humans will develop gestational pods or something, too.
> 
> IDK, don’t @ me - it’s all fiction here people :)
> 
> Next chapter will be up VERY soon: Shiro tries to get closer to Keith in a few different ways.


	8. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance's friends and family go to a local holiday party. Lance gets drunk, but not before giving Shiro a bit of a shovel talk. 
> 
> Shiro continues to kick himself for his poor decisions and yet still manages to make even more bad choices.
>
>>   
> Shiro would later blame the liquid courage for his movement away from the table, toward Keith, like a comet drawn in to orbit a sun. Keith’s lithe, tight lines moved _so well_ to the music, ink spill hair in a loose braid and tight shirt clinging over muscles as he ran his own hands along his body with the beat.
>> 
>> He was a gorgeous siren song, and Shiro helplessly caught in a trance. The danger of being dashed against the rocks be damned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: Winter Holiday is an all-inclusive December event that was created to allow everyone to celebrate their various religious traditions together. The holiday is a holdover tradition that endured over several generations and became more important as families reunited after the Galra War. A big family meal is typical of the celebration.
> 
> Thanks to DropsOfAutumn for reading this over!

 

The Winter  Feast had been a whirlwind of  food, conversation, and laughter with Lance’s family. They were a rowdy bunch, and the size of the gathering alone was enough to make it chaotic. Everyone had been pulled in to help prepare the meal in some form or another, with Shiro being conscripted to the children’s group, handling tasks Lance and Keith  felt he  could manage such as snapping green beans and shelling peas. Though sullen about it at first, Shiro had  actually enjoyed spending time with the kids. He’d gotten into quite a detailed discussion with one of Lance’s nephews about hoverbikes, which had helped pass the time.

He  probably shouldn’t have mentioned his habit of racing them off of cliffs though.

Shiro had a  feeling he was going to catch hell from Lance or Veronica about that  eventually , but he figured there wasn’t much to worry about since Cuba was  fairly flat. He hoped he’d made it clear to the boy it was a bad idea to try it if you weren’t “a great pilot like his uncle”.

The day after the  feast was spent  largely in relaxing and enjoying a more peaceful pace. The kids were off playing with the various toys and gadgets they had gotten from their relatives the night before, as Shiro lounged in his guest room. 

Over the last few days, he had found his thoughts circling back to the same topic. Trying desperately not to  think about the fact that his best friend, the man he loved, was  currently doing God knows  what with his boyfriend mere  meters from where he sat. Or how things might be different if he had gotten his shit together sooner.

Lance, ever the  savior from his maudlin thoughts, knocked at the door and with no response, invited himself into the room.

“Morning, Shiro!”

“Lance,” he greeted, “What can I do for you?”

“Eh, just checking in. Are you having a good time? Do you need anything?” Lance seemed to have an innate ability to play host. Shiro wasn’t sure if it was born from his desire to please or need for attention. Whatever the case, he was  really missing his calling as a hotel manager.

“I’m good. Thanks, Lance. This has been... really great,” Shiro said softly. “I needed this more than I realized. It’s been good to get away.”

“I’m glad,” said Lance with a small smile and a pat on Shiro’s leg. “So I was  thinking – Keith’s going to be heading out tomorrow --”

“So soon?” Shiro interrupted. He’d had  barely any time with Keith while they had been there, and even less alone as Daigo never seemed to leave his side.

“Yeah, I guess there’s a shipment that needs go to Ocasior and they need some extra security. Something about warring clans or something.”

“Ah,” Shiro murmured. He knew that sometimes Keith’s missions were still dangerous, even though they were  mostly helping people with food and supplies.

“So I was  thinking we should do something fun tonight. Let’s go out!” Lance said, excitement alight in his voice.

Shiro gave him a dubious look. “And do what exactly?”

“ Dancing !” Lance’s eyes were bright, and his Altean marks seemed to glow  slightly . It had been so long since Shiro had seen his friend show this much interest in something – he  could n’t  possibly say no. “ Carnaval Invierno started yesterday. It’s  basically a big street party that goes on non-stop for three days. Ever been to one before?”

“Can’t say that I have,” Shiro answered with a smile. “Sounds fun.”

“Great! I’ll talk to Keith and let you know later  what time we’ll leave.”

*****

 

The local  carnival held to celebrate the holidays was much bigger than Shiro had anticipated. Multiple blocks of streets had been closed in the downtown area of the small city nearby, creating a walkable atmosphere filled with vendors, music and activities for the crowd to enjoy.

A local band that Lance enjoyed was set up at one end, and they had found some seats near the makeshift dance floor where they could people-watch. Daigo and Keith had wandered off to explore and then circled back, finding a game to play nearby. Shiro could see Keith focusing intently as he tried to throw darts through very small rings in the vendor’s booth.

He looked over to see that Lance had been giving him the side-eye, most likely for some time. His genial manner from earlier had toned down  considerably .

“What?” Shiro asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

“I see you, you know,” Lance said. His voice sounded like he was kidding but his face was saying otherwise. Shiro gave him a questioning  look, causing Lance to  continue, “You keep looking at Keith like he’s a gourmet meal, and you haven’t eaten in weeks.”

“I don’t – I’m not… That’s not,” Shiro stammered, trying and failing to find a suitable lie to land on. He could feel the heat rising in his face. If Lance had caught him out, he really hoped Daigo hadn’t noticed. That would make things considerably more awkward.

“Shiro, I  could film a porn from your level of eye-fucking alone,” snarked Lance. He took a drink of the blue cocktail he’d been drinking. “Aren’t you still married?”

“No,” answered Shiro, a little too  quickly .

“When did that change? Within the last couple of months?” Lance was a lot more shrewd than Shiro  usually gave him credit for. Either that or Pidge  really did have them all bugged and made a point to keep Lance informed of everything.

“ Maybe .” He answered, trying very hard to hide the fact that Lance’s accuracy was making him nervous.

“It’s too soon. What are you doing? Go find a rando and have a one-night stand,” said Lance, waving his arm toward the rest of the crowd. “Isn’t that  what people do after a divorce?”

“I have no idea,” Shiro replied as Lance flagged down a server carrying a tray of shots and swiped two of them into the air. They’d paid a fortune for bright wristbands that permitted them to drink and eat as much as they wanted from the vendors, and Lance was taking full advantage. “I’ve never been divorced before.”

Lance handed one of the shot glasses to Shiro, then held his up, waiting for Shiro to give the obligatory clink. “To your first divorce!” he shouted.

“How about ‘to my only divorce’?” Shiro corrected with a frown.

“Same difference,” Lance said, slamming his shot back and then watching Shiro do the same.

It was all downhill after that.

Lance became committed to his plan of “Get Shiro  Drunk and  Laid ” and would not be deterred. Shiro  humored him to an extent, but after a few shots Lance hit the point of  completely shit-faced pretty  quickly . Pretended to drink with him, Shiro  secretly nursed his beer  slowly . 

He was  feeling good, a little tipsy for once, but neither a hangover nor a meaningless hook-up sounded like much fun in the long run. The loose  feeling settled into his muscles, relaxing him in a way only alcohol  could . 

He looked over to where Keith was dancing in the street in front of where the band was playing. Daigo was nowhere to be found, for once. At the same time, Lance was distracted by his brother who had come over to check on him and prevent  what he was  clearly worried was a descent into alcohol poisoning. The universe seemed to be screaming at Shiro to take the opening he’d been given.

Shiro would later blame the liquid courage for his movement away from the table, toward Keith, like a comet drawn in to orbit a sun. Keith’s lithe, tight lines moved  _ so well  _ to the music, ink spill hair in a loose braid and tight shirt clinging over muscles as he ran his own hands along his body with the beat.

He was a gorgeous siren song, and Shiro helplessly caught in a trance. The danger of being dashed against the rocks be damned.

He stalked across the short distance to Keith’s moving form, settling in behind him to dance along. At the  feel of someone at his back, Keith pushed up against Shiro’s chest, eliminating any distance between them. 

Shiro’s hands came up to grasp  loosely at Keith’s biceps as he asked, “How much have you had to drink?”

His voice came out much deeper than he’d intended, and Keith seemed to not  recognize him at first. “Hmm?”

“Keith,” he whispered, moving his hands to his friend’s waist without even a  thought for how bad that idea was. “Are you  drunk ?”

Keith hummed in answer, moving his body  languidly against Shiro to the beat of the music. Shiro  could n’t stop himself from pressing forward, grinding against the swell of Keith’s ass as they danced.

For just a moment, Shiro let himself have the fantasy.

For a few minutes, with the beat of the Latin music moving them as one, Shiro could pretend they were together. That Keith was his and, of course, he could touch him like this.

It was heaven.

Shiro’s eyes slipped closed, losing himself in the moment with Keith against him. Safe. 

Far too soon he  felt Keith start to drift forward, away from him, and opened his eyes.

Daigo was dancing in front of Keith, whose hands had trailed up to settle on his chest. He was looking down at Keith with  what Shiro  expected to be a reflection of his own feelings .

Despair dropped like a boulder into his stomach, and he forced himself to let go of Keith, putting a few inches of distance between them.

Suddenly , Lance appeared from the corner of his eye, popping into view like a genie from a bottle.

“You  look like the creamy filling in a wet dream sandwich, my friend,” Lance laughed, grabbing Keith’s hand and trying to haul him away from the men on either side of him. He was a hell of a wingman and had Keith’s back. Shiro had to give him that. Even  drunk , Lance was looking out for Keith.

And running interception on Shiro.

Keith pulled away and  laid a hand on Shiro’s chest and then placed the other on Daigo’s. Eyes glazed and half closed, he slurred, “Oh, that would be  _ nice _ . A threesome is fun - I’ve never had one with two guys though. I bet that would be even better…”

Shiro.exe stopped working.

Error:  Path Not Found. Keith… threesome…  what ?!?

Unfortunately for Shiro’s brain, Keith’s drunken rambling didn’t end there. He turned  fully to Daigo, hanging onto his shoulders and then running his hands down his chest. “Babe, we should do that. Wouldn’t it be fun?”

“Oh my God, Keith. I  think you just crashed Shiro’s source code!” Lance wailed with laughter. He punched Shiro’s bicep, very  forcefully – either from drunkenness or because Lance  thought he deserved it – and shouted, “Reboot!”

The jolt shook Shiro enough that he managed to remember to blink.

Daigo laughed along and  quickly  glanced at Shiro.  Not seeming at all shocked by Keith’s confession, instead Daigo gave his boyfriend a  look that  clearly revealed he was  humoring him. “I didn’t  think you and Shiro had that kind of relationship?”

“No way!” Keith laughed  loudly , looking over his shoulder at Shiro, who was still frozen in shock at the conversation. “Shiro wouldn’t have any interest. I’m sure he has delicate sensibilities. Plus, it’s me, so he’s got  _ negative _ interest!”

It was good that Shiro’s brain and mouth weren’t connecting at the moment. It prevented him from pointing out his level of interest was  _ far _ from negative. And he wasn’t entirely sure he possessed the willpower to say no to any proposition Keith offered, third-party involvement or not.

“Do you really think I’d be willing to share you?” Daigo purred, leaning down to eye level with Keith. His hands engulfed Keith’s waist as then melded their bodies together. “Or am I not enough for you? You know how much I like to please you, _seenah_.”

“Mmmm, yes,” Keith hummed as he leaned, his last word ending on a sigh. Shiro backed away, knowing he had only seconds to escape before being forced to watch them make out on the dance floor.

It was painful.

It was  physically painful to see Keith with this man, wanting this man. 

A man that wasn’t him.

Was it possible Keith had  felt this way when he had gotten married? If so, he was a far stronger man than Shiro had ever given him credit for.

Because Shiro had no idea how he was going to survive this.

*****

 

The next morning after stalling for an hour or so, Shiro sent a message to see if Keith was up for a run. Even  drunk from the night before, Shiro guessed that Keith wasn’t  feeling too awful this morning. He’d seen his best friend much more inebriated and  completely unaffected the next day. It was a gift Shiro was jealous of,  really .

Keith was up, but  apparently not moving well. His reply made clear he  thought running would be pushing it. That or he was preoccupied with other activities – which Shiro chose not to  think about, preferring to take the message at face value instead. 

Another half an hour later, Shiro decided to head over to Keith’s hut to see if he  could steal him away for a bit before he needed to leave. There was no way to know the next time they would see each other in person, and Shiro was desperate to get him all to himself before he lost the opportunity.

Keith answered the knock on the door, sleep-rumpled in a faded tee and boxers. His hair was sticking up in all directions.

Shiro  thought he looked adorable.

“Hey,” Keith said in greeting.

“Morning, sunshine,” Shiro said with a smile.

“I  thought I told you I  could n’t go running this morning?”

“You did,” replied Shiro, shuffling his feet  nervously on the porch as he pushed his hands into the pockets of his shorts. “But are you up for a walk? I  feel like we’ve  hardly spent any time together and you’re leaving today…”

“Sure, just let me tell Daigo to get ready --”

“Could it just be us?” Shiro asked quickly. Feeling absolutely no shame, Shiro delivered the pouting puppy face he knew Keith couldn’t resist. “I really wanted to hang out with you – just us – before you go.”

Keith gave him a soft  look . “Sure, Shiro. Just let me get changed real quick.”

Shiro stood on the porch waiting, looking around at the green scenery and the bright  blue sky. It  really was beautiful here. He was going to be tempted to ask Lance if he  could visit more often.

After some shuffling and murmured words from inside, Keith slipped out the door to join him. His hair had been tamed and pulled back, but a few shorter strands were already coming loose to frame his face. He smiled  brightly and Shiro’s breath caught in his throat.

He was so beautiful.

_ Why _ hadn’t he let himself see it sooner?

They headed down toward the beach along the well-worn  path , walking  slowly and taking their time. Shiro was  certainly in no hurry to rush their precious time together.

“You’re heading out today, right?” Shiro asked.

“Yeah, early afternoon  probably ,” Keith answered with a sigh. “It’s tough to leave. It’s so nice here. Nothing to worry about.”

“Is it  really that stressful? I wouldn’t  think aid missions would be.” Shiro couldn’t hide the concern in his voice.

“No, not  really ,” Keith said with a sigh. “But we always have to be on the lookout for trouble. And if any pops up within a quintant’s travel, we  usually go handle it. This break has been… great.”

Shiro chuckled. “You sound like you’re ready to retire. Are you getting tired of saving the universe already?”

Keith gave him a sharp  look . “Settle down, Old-Timer.”

“I  really wish you’d stop calling me that.”

“I’m not the one who’s retired,” Keith joked. “Besides, the hair matches the name now!”

Shiro shoved him  playfully , catching Keith off balance in the sand and making him stumble. They kept walking, laughing and shoving at each other for a few minutes.

“And anyway, I’m not retired anymore, remember?” Shiro said. “Back to work at the beginning of the year.”

“Teaching, right?” clarified Keith. “Sure you can handle all those rowdy cadets?”

Shiro looked over at him  fondly . “If I  could handle you as a cadet, I’m  fairly confident I can handle anyone.”

Keith laughed and kicked at the sand under his feet. “I  _ was _ a pain in the ass.”

“A bit,” Shiro conceded. “But you were always capable of greatness, Keith. You just needed somebody to  believe in you.  Hopefully I can do that for other kids now, too.”

“You’re going to be great, Shiro.” Keith reassured him. HIs voice was filled with genuine certainty.

“Thanks…” He trailed off, and they walked alongside each other  quietly . Keith slipped off his sandals and carried them, moving closer to the water so he  could wade through it as they moved down the beach.

“What do you  think of Daigo?” Keith asked after a few minutes of silence.

The question took Shiro by surprise. “Why do you ask?”

“Because I care  what you  think ,” Keith replied candidly. “You and my mom are the most important people in my life. Well, and Kosmo.”

Because, of course, in Keith’s mind the space wolf was a person. The fact that he found it so endearing told Shiro he was  clearly blinded by love for the man.

“It doesn’t  really matter  what I  think .” Keith huffed at him and Shiro held up a hand. It was going to kill him, but he  could only ever be  completely honest with Keith. He slipped his sandals from his feet, stalling and avoiding Keith’s eyes while letting the water slide over his toes. “BUT… I  think he’s a nice guy. He treats you well, from  what I can see. And he seems to be crazy about you.”

“Yeah.” The short reply hinted Keith was not that convinced.

“Do you not  think so?”

“No, all of that is true,” Keith answered  slowly . “I just… I know he’s very serious. About our relationship.  Lately , he’s been very clear he’s in it for the long term.”

“So is that a bad thing?” Shiro asked, trying  extremely hard to keep the hopefulness out of his voice.

“I… I just don’t want to make a mistake.”

Hope launched into Shiro’s chest like it had been embedded with a star.  Maybe Keith wasn’t as serious about this relationship as he’d  thought .  Maybe Daigo wasn’t the one he  really wanted.  Maybe …

“We’ve been together for over seven months. Hell, you were engaged in less time than that.”

Shiro sighed. “I don’t  think my experience is  what anyone should use as a guidepost.”

“No shit, Shiro!” Keith snorted.

“Hey!” He  could n’t argue, but he  could at least pretend to be offended.

“Sorry, sorry,” Keith said. “I was just kidding. Bad subject, right?”

“Divorce is never a good one, I  think .”

“Divorce? Did you guys talk about that?” Keith said, surprise  clearly evident in his voice.

Shiro slowed his pace  slightly , shuffling his feet in the sand. He squeezed his toes to pick up the grains, throwing them out in front as he walked. “It’s already done.”

“Shiro!” Keith stopped walking, forcing him to stop and turn around to face him. A mixture of hurt and shock contorted Keith’s face. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It’s Winter  Holiday … it’s a celebration. No one wants to hear about my pathetic life.”

“Shiro.  Look at me,” Keith pressed. He looked up, staring into the purple eyes he wanted to fall into so badly. “When did this happen? I know I’ve been busy, but you  could have called.”

“It’s just been a couple of months. Or… less than that,  really . It’s fine.”

“Is it? Are you ok?” Keith  laid a gentle hand on Shiro’s forearm, rubbing  softly with his thumb. Shiro  barely contained the shivered reaction at the warmth and tingles running up his flesh arm at the touch.

“I am. I’ve been talking to someone… a therapist. For a while now. So it’s not like I’m not dealing with it,” he said. He chuckled at the  look of concern on Keith’s face. “Don’t worry!”

“Of course, I worry about you.” The soft tone of his friend’s voice was soothing. Coupled with the  look in his eyes, Shiro had the overwhelming urge to pull Keith into his arms.

He wanted to kiss him.  Badly .

A wave crashing  loudly on the shore startled him out of his thoughts, and Shiro was grateful for the sudden clarity.

This wasn’t the way to handle anything. Lance was right – it was too soon. The timing was awful. And Keith was with someone.

After a moment of silence, Shiro responded, “You _should_ worry. My therapist is a real hard-ass.”

Keith laughed, dropping his hand to start walking back along the beach. “That’s  probably a good thing. You’re pretty damn stubborn, and you hate to be wrong.”

“You’re one to talk!”

“Please, I can’t even count the number of times you’ve told me I was wrong about something, Shiro. I always listened to you.”

“Yeah, but you never liked it,” Shiro said with a grin.

“I didn’t have to like it. I trust you, so I listen to you. That’s how it works,” said Keith as if it was a rule, a law, set in stone.

They walked  quietly for a few minutes, following the  path away from the beach. Lance’s house was coming into view in the distance.

“That was my mistake, wasn’t it?” Shiro said  quietly . Keith gave him a questioning  look “I trust you too, Keith. With my life. I would have listened to you – if you had told me I was making a mistake. I would have listened.”

Shiro looked up, caught again in the purple gaze. He whispered, “I should have asked.”

“What?” Keith asked. “What are you talking about?”

“I never asked  what you  thought about Curtis. About me getting married,” he answered. “I  think … I  think things might have been different if I had.”

Keith was quiet for a moment, staring him down with a  look in his eyes Shiro  could n’t decode. “You can’t live your life in  what -if’s, Shiro. It will make you crazy,  believe me. You make the best decision you can at the time and deal with it the best you can.”

Shiro was thrown off by the sudden tension rolling off his friend. “You’re not wrong.”

They’d made it back to the front of the house, where Shiro  could hear Veronica’s voice yelling at a few of the children nearby.

“I know,” Keith said with a smirk. “You taught me that. One of my first times in the simulator. I learned from the best.”

Shiro  could n’t fight it this time. He put a hand out to stop Keith’s movement, catching him by the shoulder and turning to catch him in his arms. He held him  tightly , willing himself not to cry as he  felt Keith’s hand running  soothingly against his back.

This man was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

And he had to let him go.

Taking a deep breath, Shiro inhaled the scent of Keith,  memorizing it along with the  feel of his long hair blowing loose against his face in the sea breeze. As he let out the breath  slowly , he also let go of his friend.

Keith wasn’t his to keep.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too, Shiro.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make my day! I'd love to know what you think about the boyfriend...
> 
> Next time: Shiro's back at work and back to counseling.
> 
> Also, I'm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/geek_life13)


	9. What Is Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro begins teaching at the Garrison, makes a few more discoveries about himself and has a serious, but worrying, conversation with Keith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been sidetracked with other fics/ideas and didn't realize it's been a MONTH since my last update on this one! So sorry everyone!! The good news is, I'll be posting two chapters this week to make up for it :)
> 
> I estimate I'm a little over halfway through this fic, so things will start to pick up from here!
> 
> Thanks to DropsOfAutumn my awesome beta!

Winter came to Arizona, or as much as winter ever did in the heart of the desert. New Year’s Day was a quick blur, with Shiro celebrating the holiday in his empty apartment. It wasn’t as upsetting as he feared it would be — he’d earned his loneliness. So he used the time to reflect over the past year, remembering how he and Curtis had spent the previous New Year’s Eve at the Garrison’s annual ball, and how awkward he’d  felt being there as nothing more than a retired spouse. It had amazed him how out of the loop he’d become about the things going on in such a short amount of time.

Shiro hadn’t enjoyed it. At all.

His irritation had lasted into the next day, when he had spent the first day of the year taking out his frustration on his husband.

Had he been more self-aware a year ago, Shiro would’ ve known  exactly where he would find himself the next time a new year rolled around.

Alone.

Hindsight was 20-20, he supposed.

All he could hope for was that the year ahead would be better than the last. With any luck, he would be spending the next New Year’s Day with Keith.

He hoped so, anyway.

Shiro began his new teaching career at the Garrison a few days later, settling in  quickly to the comfort of routine. It was a relief to have a pattern to his days, something to keep him busy. It helped settle his mind and focus on something other than his disastrous personal life. He’d never before realized how much his Type-A personality craved a schedule and the predictability of a military environment.

“I guess it just calms me to  know what to expect every day,” Shiro explained to Dr. Bazal as they sat  comfortably in her office during his session. “It’s something I never realized I needed.”

“Well, you  _ have _ spent a good portion of your life in a structured environment. And my suspicion is there’s a deeper reason for your desire for stability. I’m guessing you are still not willing to delve into the past?” his doctor responded, a wry smile accompanying her unamused stare.

“No,” Shiro answered  harshly . “I don’t  see the point. The past is in the past. It can die there.”

“One day, I hope you will change your mind,” Dr. Bazal said, her manner amicable. “I fear you will soon reach a point where you can not move forward — you can not continue to grow in your self-discovery — if you do not face the things below the surface.”

“I didn’t realize you were such a follower of Freud,” Shiro said  sarcastically .

The doctor stared him down  coldly . “As you are aware, I prefer a multifaceted approach to healing the human mind. However, if you are knowledgeable enough to make that comment, yet don’t realize to what extent the id and ego  have played a role in your own life and choices, we still  have much to do indeed.”

Shiro dropped his eyes, feeling contrite. He hated being called on his bullshit and was well aware she was probably right.

“So,” Dr. Bazal continued, as if she hadn’t just won a verbal knife fight, “you enjoy the routine of your new job. How do you find the teaching? Is it enjoyable?”

Shiro couldn’t help but appreciate his therapist’s tact at changing gears and not forcing him to discuss his childhood. A small smile escaped as he considered her question. “It’s good. It’s only been a few weeks, but I really like it so far. I was assigned to a few instructional tasks before Kerberos, when Keith was a cadet. But this is the first time I’ve had to prepare lessons or actually teach in a classroom. That’s been… new.”

“Is it difficult?”

“No. I mean, I’ve been assigned some simulation crews to monitor and instruct, which is much easier since I’ve done it before. But the classroom lessons aren’t bad either. It’s fun to  see the students get excited about things. I  really like the discussions and questions they come up with.”

“Do you realize that your face lights up when you talk about teaching?” Dr. Bazal asked with a smile.

Shiro could  feel the blush heating his cheeks. “I  _ am _ enjoying it.”

“Good. I’m glad you’ve found something stable that brings you happiness. If I’m not mistaken, I believe that is what you were looking for  initially with your ex-husband.”

“If only I had taken the teaching job right off the bat instead of thinking marriage would fix me,” Shiro muttered  sadly .

“Look at you — delving into the past,” Dr. Bazal smirked. Shiro returned it, unamused. She’d been clear where she wanted their sessions to go; he wasn’t giving in to it today. “I’d like to ask you a question. If you had it to do over again, would you still get married?”

The inquiry threw him for a minute. There wasn’t any way to change the past, so  generally he  saw no point in thinking about it. Dr. Bazal’s gaze implied she was waiting for an answer though.

“I don’t  know ,” he replied  honestly . “I regret it, I  know that much. I wish I had never put Curtis through it. He didn’t deserve all the trouble I caused him. So, no - I don’t think I  _ would _ do it again.”

“How would things be different had you not gotten married? What would your life  have been like over the last two years?”

Shiro was silent for a moment, thinking. “Well, I would probably have stayed with the Garrison, even with the Atlas grounded. I’m not sure if I would be teaching, but I can’t imagine I would have quit if I didn’t have something else going on.”

“And what of Keith?”

“Keith?” echoed Shiro. “Nothing would be any different. Things with us are always good. Easy.”

“You would still be friends?” Dr. Bazal asked, leaning forward in interest.

“Of course,” Shiro answered immediately. He could never imagine his life without Keith in it.

“And would you have realized how you truly felt about him?”

With a jolt, Shiro froze for a moment, allowing himself to visualize the theoretical scenario.

If he’d never married Curtis, what  _ really _ would be different? He’d be at the Garrison, but would he  have faced his hidden desires for his best friend? The catalyst had  probably been Keith’s kiss on the eve of his wedding. He’d refused to let himself consider Keith  _ that  _ way before. But without the wedding, it most likely never would  have happened.

Keith would never  have been driven to take such a risk in their friendship, and Shiro would not  have faced the feelings he’d buried so  deeply .

Nothing would  have changed. Sooner or later, the loneliness would have become too much, and   Shiro would  have decided to seek out company.

If it hadn’t been Curtis, it would  have been someone else.

And he would still  have been miserable, because they weren’t Keith.

Wow. It never ceased to amaze him how much his therapist earned her paycheck.

“It was worth it,” Shiro whispered, though it pained him to admit it out loud. “I can’t regret the actions that led me to the truth.”

“ Precisely what I wanted you to recognize,” Dr. Bazal said. “Now, I’d like you to consider that revelation in regard to reflecting on your childhood. You might be surprised what other truths you may find.”

 

*****

January bled into February with the speed of a fighter jet, as Shiro was kept busy with classes, grading, and dealing with unruly cadets in general.

Late one evening, Shiro found himself talking to Keith on the phone about his new position. He was flushed and excited — he couldn’t help but recognize how nice it was to have stories of his own to share. He loved hearing about what Keith was up to, but sharing about his own life made the conversation easier and much less depressing on his side of it.

“There’s one cadet… God, he reminds me of you,” laughed Shiro with fondness.

“Takashi Shirogane,” Keith said  seriously with a lightning strike smile, and Shiro was so distracted with the sound of his given name in that smoky voice that he almost missed the rest. “Are you taking up the habit of saving orphans again?”

“Why, are you jealous?” he answered, unable to help the flirty smile that snuck onto his face. It was dangerous territory, but now that his heart and mind were on the same page, it was difficult to keep his affection contained when he talked to Keith. He was the one person he could always be honest — be himself — with.

His answer seemed to throw Keith off course, and a confused look crossed his face for a brief moment. “You never could pass up a hopeless case, so I’m not surprised,” Keith answered, uncertainty trickling into his voice.

“He’s not hopeless — and  obviously neither were you,” said Shiro with a doting smile . “I  have no idea what his history is. He’s got a lot of potential, though. And a giant chip on his shoulder. He doesn’t trust people, and when something sets him off he’s like an angry little cat. It’s adorable,  really . Sound like anyone you  know ?”

“I might hear a resemblance right up to the adorable part,” Keith smirked. Shiro scoffed, but he continued, “Of course your students are going to remind you of me. I will forever be that scruffy little kid in your eyes.”

_ If only that were true _ , Shiro thought. It  definitely wasn’t the younger version of Keith that he pictured when he thought of him. It was the man on the screen before him he fantasized about, imagining the way his skin would taste under Shiro’s tongue, the way his muscular body held enough power to throw him around and make Shiro bend to his will. Alone at night he dreamed about worshiping Keith the way he deserved while he took himself in hand and stroked to a lonely release…

“No, Keith. That’s not true,” Shiro said  honestly , shaking himself out of his thoughts. “You  have n’t been a child in a very long time.”

There was a beat of silence between them. Shiro stared into his friend’s cameleon blue eyes, wishing Keith could  see the depth of the feelings in his own. For so long they had been able  to almost read each other’s minds, working and fighting together  seamlessly as paladins and mutual leaders. In this though, they had never been able to get on the same page.

“How’s Daigo?” Shiro asked, looking for an easy way to change the subject.

“He’s good,” Keith answered  easily . A soft sigh escaped as he leaned back in his chair. “He’s off on a delivery at the moment, while I’m on a mission. It’s going to be a few more movements before we  see each other.”

“So does this mean you decided to stick with it long term?” Shiro asked, focusing very hard on keeping his own anxiety out of the question.

Keith ran a hand through his dark hair, hanging loose for once around his face. “For the foreseeable future, yeah. You were right when we talked a while back. He’s a good guy, and he treats me  really well. He’s  definitely the best man I’ve ever been involved with.”

Shiro  narrowly resisted the urge to bang his head against the wall in punishment for his own stupidity. In being honest with Keith, he may  have just helped solidify their relationship.

“Do you love him?” Shiro blurted, his brain-to-mouth filter crashing as his heart looked for some type of hope to hold on to.

Keith’s shock at Shiro’s question was clearly written on his face, but he responded, “I don’t  know …. I mean, I don’t  have much to compare it to.”

“Oh.” It slipped out, a dejected sound, and Keith assessed him with puzzled eyes.

Keith watched him  seriously , his trademark scowl appearing on his face. “Shiro, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course,” Shiro answered, although  internally he was fearful of the line of discussion. The last thing he wanted to do was confess something Keith wouldn’t want to hear or push him farther into the arms of his boyfriend.

“I  know you loved Adam,” Keith started  slowly . “And you  obviously loved Curtis, or you wouldn’t  have married him.” That was questionable at best — Shiro  felt Keith may  have been giving him more credit than he deserved. But he let Keith continue uninterrupted. “Does it  feel the same with everyone? Or is each person different?”

Shiro let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Of all the questions for Keith to ask him...

Scanning his best friend’s face, Shiro could  see that he was looking for a specific answer. The  feeling of walking a tightrope pressed in on him, where a wrong answer was a misstep he couldn’t afford.

The problem was Shiro didn’t  know which answer would send him careening to his ruin. 

So, like everything with Keith, he went with honesty.

“My first instinct is to say _yes_ ,” Shiro said quietly. “I can’t say I felt exactly the same about Adam as I do about...“ _you_ , he almost slipped but stopped himself just in time. “As I did about Curtis. But then, I don’t know if I’m the best person to ask about things like that.”

“Why’s that?” Indigo eyes stared at him from the screen.  Getting lost in them would be so much more enjoyable than continuing the conversation. Unfortunately , that wasn’t an option.

“I’m beginning to realize that I’ve made a habit of hurting the people I love. Makes me wonder if I really _did_ love them,” he said softly.

“Shiro…” Keith said softly, as if he would argue with him but didn’t have the words.

He thought about how Adam had treated him, and Curtis. How Keith had always treated him. Like he was a priority. “I think… I think when you love someone, you put them first. You put their happiness — their life — above your own. I’ve realized  lately that I’ve been too selfish to recognize that. But I can  see now that other people  have done that for me.”

He looked at Keith, remembering his wrecked voice declaring his love, refusing to kill him.  Refusing to save himself from Shiro.

How had he been so blind? How could he  have pushed him away?

“Yeah,” Keith agreed with a sigh. “That’s  probably true. I can  see that. I wouldn’t say you’re selfish though, Shiro. If all things had been equal with Adam, it would  have been a lot different. You had your reasons for having different priorities.”

“Maybe,” Shiro agreed with some reluctance. Their conversation had gotten heavy pretty  quickly , and he needed to go soon. He didn’t want to end their call on such a depressing note. “So… When will you be  Earthside again?”

“Man, I  have no idea. I’ve got a few movements left on this mission, then Daigo will come with me to visit mom for a while. Nothing in the cards soon, I can tell you that much. Why?”

“Just don’t want to go so long again before we get to  see each other,” Shiro said. “Besides, I could kind of use your help at the Garrison for a day or two.”

“How’s that?”

“I need someone who can provide a challenge to spar with me and model technique.”

“Why?” Keith asked, looking confused.

“I started helping with the sparring instruction for the upper level cadets,” Shiro explained, “and they seem to be developing the mistaken assumption that I’m invincible.”

“Oh,  really ?” Keith laughed, combing dark hair away from his face. “Well, we can’t  have that. I’m willing to come kick your ass any time I can. Hell, I’ll make time!”

“Good,” Shiro smiled as the happy glow on Keith’s face warmed him from the inside out. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

They ended the call  quickly after that so Shiro could get to his class on time.

All the cadets in his afternoon simulation runs were dying to  know why Captain Shirogane was in such a good mood. 

Shiro just left them to their speculations with a bright smile on his face.

 

*****

The particular name glowing on his data pad a few evenings later showed up so  rarely , Shiro dived at it to answer before the call could disconnect.

“Katie!” Shiro greeted with a smile the moment her face lit up on the screen.

“Hey, Shiro!” she grinned. “How are you?”

“I’m good.  Really good,” he answered  honestly . “Can’t complain. How are things with you?”

“Busy, as usual,” Pidge answered, pushing her glasses up on her nose. “I’ve got about twelve different projects going, half of which are on the knife’s edge of crashing and burning at any given moment.”

“And you love it,” Shiro guessed, his smile spreading wider.

Pidge smirked. “You  know me too well.”

“ Probably true,” he admitted. “But you’re  usually so busy I never hear from you. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Well, Matt’s coming home for a visit soon,” she said as she tucked a stray strand of light brown hair behind her ear. Shiro noticed she’d cut it  differently since the last time he’d seen her. It looked good on her — more grown up. She was  finally beginning to look like the twenty-something she was.

“I  know ,” Shiro said with a quiet chuckle. “He sent me a message a few weeks ago. Mentioned something about changing all the codes on my devices if he doesn’t  see me while he’s visiting.”

“Yeah, well  apparently I’ve been recruited as backup,” Pidge said  dryly . “I’m to make sure we all get together to go out and do something. I’m not a freaking party planner. I don’t  know what he was thinking.”

“Well, I’m sure we can come up with something.”

“My body  essentially runs on either coffee or alcohol at this point,” Pidge said  dryly . “So pick your poison.”

“That sounds a little concerning,” Shiro pointed out with a frown.

“Are you  _ really _ the person to lecture me on poor life choices?” Pidge asked, her all-knowing look blaring at him from behind the reflection of her glasses.

Shiro’s frown deepened. “Point taken.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Alcohol and I don’t  really mix well  lately ,” Shiro said in an off-hand tone, looking out the window and away from the screen.

“So I’ve heard.” He didn’t  have to  see her; he could hear Pidge’s smirk. “As long as you’re not going to sleep with my brother, we’re cool.”

“Katie!” Shiro wasn’t sure if he was more scandalized by Pidge’s suggestion or the fact that it was coming out of  _ her _ mouth.

“What? Matt is a pervert that can’t be trusted,” she said  defensively . “Don’t act like you don’t  know this.”

“Again, point taken,” Shiro said, his voice serious but a smile creeping up at the edge of his mouth.

“So we’ll go out sometime when he gets here?” she pressed.

“Yes,” Shiro agreed quickly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Matt, and while Pidge was nearby, she was not a naturally social creature. Aside from running into her in the hallways of the Garrison occasionally, Shiro rarely saw her.

“K - I’m  gonna run.  See ya then, Shiro!”

The screen  quickly went blank, and she was gone.  Katie Holt never was one for empty conversations and meaningless small talk. It was something Shiro had always appreciated about her, but it was still disconcerting to be so  abruptly dismissed when she was done with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love to read comments! Please let me know what you think about how this is going :)


	10. Don't Mess With Team Holt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt’s visit to Earth leads to some surprising revelations and a heart-to-heart between Shiro and the Holt siblings.
>
>>   
> “I don’t think either of you knows what you’re talking about.” Had he been less relaxed and thinking more clearly, Shiro would have known better than to say it. That statement was shots fired to a Holt.  
> “Excuse me,” Matt said. “But I happen to know for a fact Keith’s been crazy about you for a long time.”  
> “Or at least he was,” Pidge interceded, looking at Matt pointedly.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am completely overwhelmed by the response to this story! Thank you all so much for reading and leaving comments — I love them!!

Two weeks later, Matt Holt did indeed grace the Earth with his presence. Based on the amount of twittering and gossip Shiro had overheard throughout the Garrison over the last few days, there were any number of cadets — as well as younger instructors and staff members — that were excited he had found his way back to his home planet. Apparently, Keith hadn’t been the only person making the most of single life while exploring the universe.

Matt had developed quite the rakish reputation.

“Shiro, you know Officer Holt, right?”

Glancing up from his paperwork, Shiro’s eyes scanned the instructor’s lounge to find the person speaking to him. Two female instructors were looking at him expectantly, so he assumed one of them must have spoken.

“I’m guessing you mean Matt, and yes, I do,” Shiro answered, sitting up to lean back casually in his chair.

Sumi, one of the English teachers if Shiro remembered correctly, smiled and asked, “Do you think you could introduce me? I would love to meet him…”

“Me too!” said the other teacher, whose name Shiro couldn’t remember for the life of him.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Shiro said, nervously running a hand against the back of his head. “I guess I can if the opportunity presents itself.”

“The two of you are friends, right?” Sumi asked. “Haven’t you seen him since he’s been back?”

It came across as a poorly constructed setup. Ever ready to identify a strategy, Shiro could tell that not only were his coworkers fishing for information. Given the chance he was sure they would gladly invite themselves along to the meetup he had with the Holt siblings later that evening. While he knew Matt would probably be more than glad for the company of a few admirers, Katie would not take as well to watching them fall all over her brother the entire night.

And it was never a good idea to anger the most imaginative Holt.

“I haven’t yet, but I’m sure we’ll get a chance to touch base before he leaves,” Shiro said as diplomatically as possible. “I imagine he’s been spending a lot of time with the Commander and the rest of his family while he’s here.”

“Oh,” the other teacher said, sounding dejected. “I guess he won’t be coming around the classroom area of the Garrison then.”

“No, probably not,” Shiro commented, fighting to suppress his chuckle. Matt was going to get such a kick out of this story. He glanced at his watch, noticing it was time for him to get cleaned up and changed. Gathering up his papers and materials, he bid the other teachers a good night and set off back to his apartment to get ready.

*****

 

Later that evening, Shiro was settled into a booth at a local bar a few miles from the Garrison, a rare sensation of contentment flowing through him. Whether due to the small amount of alcohol he’d consumed or the cadence of loving bickering flowing between Pidge and Matt, he was lulled into a very relaxed state. Shiro couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so comfortable and mellow, with nothing pressing to take care of or worry about. There was only one thing missing that would have made his evening any better.

But his best friend was halfway across the galaxy somewhere, helping aliens and bringing peace to the universe.

He smiled, watching as Pidge ribbed her brother over the story Shiro had just passed along about his popularity with the unattached personnel of the Garrison.

“You should just start a blog,” Pidge said, side-eyeing Matt sternly. “You can call it:  _ ‘Matthew Holt: Space Slut’ _ .”

Matt sputtered, almost spitting his beer across the table, as he laughed loudly. “You wound me, Pidge.”

“I don’t know why,” she replied. “By all accounts, it’s true.”

“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?” Shiro piped in. The least he could do is try to defend Matt, even if he may not deserve it. Their long-standing friendship demanded at least that much.

Pidge pointed a calculating gaze at Shiro. “Do you really want me to start on you, too?”

“What?” he exclaimed. “I’m certainly not jumping into beds around the universe.”

“Hey!” Matt exclaimed with false offense.

“If anything, it’s the opposite,” Shiro finished. The only thing exciting about his sex life recently was switching hands.

“No, I think there’s only one person’s bed you’d like to throw yourself into,” Pidge said, her knowing gaze causing Shiro’s face to flush a darker shade of pink. “And he’s not exactly available.”

“Ooooooo!” Matt squealed, elbows propped on the table and holding his head in his hands, his hazel eyes staring at Shiro in rapt attention. “Do tell!”

After throwing Pidge a death glare, Shiro responded, “There’s nothing to tell.”

What Shiro might want wasn’t going to happen, so there was no reason for them to discuss it.

“Doesn’t sound like it,” Matt said in a sing-song voice. “So who’s the lucky guy? You can at least tell me that. Pidge will tell me anyway. Is it somebody I know?”

Shiro sat in silence, crossing his arms in defiance. Nothing was going on, and it was his problem to deal with. Just because he’d made a fool of himself over the holidays and Lance had obviously passed on that information to Pidge, it didn’t mean he needed to drag them into his problems.

The silence stretched long enough that Pidge finally broke it. Leaning toward Matt, she deadpanned, “He finally pulled his head out of his ass. He just may have waited too long.”

The siblings held a brief silent conversation with their eyes before Matt turned on Shiro. “Well, it took you long enough!”

“What are you talking about?” Shiro asked, hoping Matt was bluffing to get information. 

He should have known better.

“Keith!” he answered, throwing his hands in the air dramatically. “Duh!”

Shiro felt his face go pink.

“How could you possibly know that?” He questioned incredulously, trying not to look as caught as he felt.

“Because I’m not  _ blind _ , Shiro,” Matt laughed. 

“No, I’m the only one that’s blind, apparently,” Shiro bemoaned, referring to his own cluelessness.

“No kidding,” Matt said, taking a long drink of his beer. “You were both always so incredibly obvious!”

Shiro stared at him, completely lost. “What are you talking about? And what do you mean ‘both of us’?”

At the expression on Shiro’s face, Matt’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Are you kidding me?” He turned to stare at Pidge with wide eyes. “Tell me he’s kidding!”

“No, he’s actually THAT ridiculous,” Pidge said. “It’s amazing, really. For being a world-renowned pilot, captain of a mecha ship, and all around hero of the universe, our friend Shiro is pretty fucking clueless.”

Shiro opened his mouth to reprimand her for her language in retaliation, but remembered she wasn’t a kid anymore and definitely wouldn’t appreciate it. Also, he knew if she put any effort into it, Pidge could hurt him.

Giving her a hard time wasn’t worth it.

As he took another drink from his glass to settle the sudden nervousness in his stomach, Shiro crossed his arms in defiance. “I don’t think either of you knows what you’re talking about.”

Had he been less relaxed and thinking more clearly, Shiro would have known better. That statement was shots fired to a Holt.

“Excuse me,” Matt said. “But I happen to know for a fact Keith’s been crazy about you for a  _ long _ time.”

“Or at least he was,” Pidge interceded, looking at Matt pointedly.

“Well, yeah,” Matt amended. “Last I knew, anyway.”

“He’s seeing somebody,” Shiro muttered, the index finger of his left hand running around the top of his glass mindlessly. His brain took a moment to catch up. “Wait — how is it that  _ you _ have knowledge of anything? I didn’t realize you and Keith even knew each other very well.”

The slight blush that crept into Matt’s cheeks caused a kernel of fear to form in Shiro’s stomach. The younger man suddenly looked extremely nervous, refusing to make eye contact with either Shiro or his sister.

Pidge leaned over, forcefully getting into Matt’s face and staring at him until he pushed her away with a huff. Like a whirlwind dropped out of the sky, Pidge suddenly stormed at her brother, “Are. You. Fucking. Kidding me?”

It took Shiro a moment to catch on to what she was implying.

_ No. No way. _

His brain refused to believe her. He knew Matt’s reputation. And Lance had given him an idea of Keith’s escapades. But space was a big place… right?

At Shiro’s distressed frown, Matt’s face crumpled into contrite embarrassment. “I wouldn’t say  _ very _ well, necessarily…” he argued weakly.

“Oh, HELL no,” Pidge shouted, standing up from the table. “I do  _ not _ need to hear about this. I’m getting another drink. Or twelve.”

“Can you get me another beer?” Matt had the audacity to ask, shooting his sister a smile. The responding rude finger signal was answer enough as she all but ran away from their table.

“What the hell, Matt? Really? With Keith?” said Shiro, gripping his forehead with his mechanical arm and fighting the urge to squeeze hard enough to force out the images springing to his mind.

“First of all, not your business,” Matt said as he held up a finger, his voice direct and serious. “He’s your best friend, if he didn’t mention me — well, I’m hurt, quite frankly — but he didn’t want you to know. Though, I’d also be willing to bet Keith isn’t one to kiss and tell.”

Ignoring the smirk on his friend’s face, Shiro said sullenly, “We don’t really… talk about his personal life. Or mine.” 

“Gee, I wonder why that is,” Matt replied, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “And second point, you have no right to get angry with me about anything. Keith is an adult. It happened a long time ago.” He paused, his voice going soft. “You got  _ married _ , Shiro.”

Running a hand down his face, Shiro picked up his glass and downed the rest of his drink. “I know. I’m an idiot.”

“Not for getting married, but definitely for doing it with the wrong person,” Matt said. “I’ll give you points for that.”

“I didn’t see it, Matt,” Shiro murmured. “I didn’t realize how I felt about him until it was too late.”

“It’s not now, though, right?” Matt countered. “You’re not married anymore. Do something about it.”

“Keith wouldn’t…” Shiro began, pausing to swallow the lump forming in his throat. “He’s got somebody else now. They’re serious.”

“But nothing is set in stone,” Matt offered.

“There’s a good chance it’s going to be,” Shiro muttered quietly, twirling his empty glass with his flesh hand. “I let the best person in the entire universe slip through my fingers because I’m a fucking idiot.”

Matt watched him carefully for a moment, considering. “How drunk are you?”

Shiro glanced up at him in surprise. “Not very, why?”

Without a word, Matt stood and walked toward the bar, weaving his way through the crowd and out of sight. Shiro mulled over their conversation, wondering how everyone else in his life seemed to recognize his feelings easier than he did himself.

Shiro also couldn’t help but wonder if he was the only person in the universe Matt Holt  _ hadn’t _ slept with.

Matt returned a few minutes later, three shots in hand and a fake smile plastered to his face. It was still somewhat strange to see Matt now, a grown man, experienced in battle and in life. His hair was long again, worn tied back in a shaggy style that worked for him. It was no surprise to see so many heads turn his direction as he sat back down at their table.

His friend slid two of the small glasses in front of him, leaving one to rest beside his own hand.

“Isn’t one of these for Pidge?” Shiro asked. “Where is she anyway?”

He gave a cursory glance around the bar, even knowing it would be unlikely he’d be able to see the shortest paladin from his current position.

“She found some people she knows,” Matt explained. “I told her she’d want to stay gone for a bit longer.”

“Why’s that?” Shiro asked, the determined look on Matt’s face making him suddenly nervous.

“Here, this first,” Matt said, grabbing one of Shiro’s shots and forcing it into his hand. He clinked their glasses together. “Bottoms up!”

Matt gulped his liquid courage quickly and Shiro followed suit. Based on Matt’s demeanor, he had an inkling he was going to need it.

“I’m going to tell you something,” Matt said, giving Shiro a more serious look than he’d ever seen outside of a battle situation. “And you’re probably not going to like it. But it’s kind of my story to tell. And frankly, even if you do tell Keith you know this — which I do  _ not _ suggest by the way — when he hunts me down to murder me, I’ll just point out payback’s a bitch.”

Shiro held up his hand to stop the verbal onslaught. “Please. I really don’t need or want details,” he begged.

There were some things about his friends Shiro just didn’t want to know. Any specifics about what they did with  _ each other _ was at the very top of that list, particularly when it involved Keith.

“Oh, and you’re not getting any, don’t worry,” smirked Matt. “I’m only giving you a few significant pieces of information.”

“I’m not sure I want them,” Shiro said cautiously.

“Oh, I’m sure you  _ don’t _ ,” Matt replied, smugly leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms in front of him. “Let’s call it… incentive. Or maybe retribution. I guess it depends on how it all works out.”

“Now I’m definitely not following,” Shiro said, confusion mixing with the worry in his voice.

“Just remember, this face is adorable and lots of people would be upset if you broke it. Including my mother, who I know you adore,” Matt grinned while pointing at his face. “So promise you won’t hit me.”

Shiro sighed deeply. “I’m not going to hit you, Matthew.”

Matt looked at him seriously for a moment, making sure he had Shiro’s direct attention completely on him. “I was Keith’s first.”

A few different emotions shot through Shiro: surprise, shock, sadness, relief. Disappointment. He wondered how many of them Matt could read on his face.

Shiro picked up the second shot on the table, throwing it back. He suddenly doubted any amount of alcohol could dull the pain of this conversation.

“It was maybe a month or so after your wedding,” Matt continued, his voice hinting at sadness. “We ran into each other on Antrelia. He was with the Blades, providing supplies and support and I was helping organize for the Coalition. He decided there wasn’t any point in waiting around for you anymore.”

Shiro looked at him wearily. “He told you that?”

“He didn’t have to,” Matt said, frowning. His brown eyes twinkled with just a hint of mischief. “It wasn’t my name he was screaming.”

Shiro’s stomach dropped.

Matt followed up with a verbal stab of the knife, just to make sure Shiro was crystal clear. 

“It was  _ yours _ .”

Nausea rolled through Shiro’s body, and for a brief instant he believed he might truly be sick. He clenched his fists tightly, squeezing his eyes shut to regain equilibrium.

It was too much. He didn’t want to know these things. If he’d thought banging his head on the table would erase the information from his brain, Shiro gladly would have done it.

“Jesus, Matt,” Shiro groaned, his face dropping into his hands as a wave of regret overwhelmed him.

“Have you ever had somebody call you the wrong name while you’re pounding them into the mattress?” Matt complained, as if he was discussing the weather. “It’s demoralizing -—”

“Stop!” Shiro shouted, fighting the nauseous churning his stomach. There was no way to know if it was from the alcohol or the information Matt had fed him. “Just stop.”

“No,” Matt said, frustration and anger coloring his words. “That little bastard pretended I was  _ you _ . And I realized after he used me —”

“I’m sure Keith didn’t  _ use _ you,” Shiro argued. Even in this, he couldn’t help but instinctively defend his best friend.

“Yes, he did,” Matt said simply. “He knew me, so I was safe. He didn’t have to worry that I would hurt him. And I’m human, so there wouldn’t be any surprises during the process, which made him more comfortable. Smart really, because let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than getting into bed and then trying to figure out how all the parts work…”

“ _ Matt _ ,” Shiro growled.

His friend continued on, unfazed. “I was pissed, at first. But then I realized he was hurt and just trying to move on.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, Shiro unable to even find words to respond to the insight he’d been given. He didn’t like that things had happened between his two friends, but it was far from his business. It wasn’t his place to judge either of them. But having confirmation that at least in the past, Keith had wanted him, gave Shiro even more reason to regret his previous decisions and actions.

As if he didn’t already have enough to kick himself about.

It didn’t change anything, though. It only reinforced the fact that Keith had long ago moved on, and whatever chance Shiro may have had was gone, too.

“Why are you even telling me this?” Shiro whined. “To kick me for my stupidity? It doesn’t change anything.”

“No, but you can,” Matt said. “Shiro, from the first time I met Keith when we were all at the Garrison, he’s looked at you like you hung the stars just for him. Even after Kerberos and everything that came after — it was no different. And whether you realize it or not, you’ve been crazy about him for just as long.”

Shiro’s eyes went wide.

“No, Matt. No — Keith was a kid when I met him --” Shiro quickly denied. There was absolutely no doubt he hadn’t wanted Keith like  _ that _ when they’d first met.

Matt cut him off, “And I’m not saying the way you feel about him hasn’t changed. I’m saying you’ve thought the world of him since then. Before we left for Kerberos, you talked about him all the time. And half the way there you couldn’t stop talking about how great Keith was at this or the record he broke at that. Or all the things he was  _ going _ to do that you didn’t think you’d get to see.”

“I’ve always been proud of him,” Shiro argued, crossing his arms in front of his chest defensively. 

“It was more than that,” Matt said softly. “You fell for that kid the minute he blew away the simulator and stole your car. And then you went through a lot of shit together, and he grew up, and he owned you completely but for some dumbass reason you refused to see it."

“Don’t fuck it up now,” a different voice snarked. Shiro’s eyes shot up from where he’d been focused on the table, looking into Pidge’s eyes. They shone dark brown in the dim light of the bar, judging him. “Don’t worry, I didn’t hear any of Matt’s gory details. Just the part about you being in love with Keith and also a supreme idiot.”

“You’re a gem of humanity, Katie,” Shiro said flatly in response.

“I know,” she said cheerfully, plopping back into her seat at the table. “So what are you going to do?”

“I have no idea,” Shiro replied, slowly spinning an empty shot glass on the table with his mech-hand. “I feel like it’s too late. I’ve obviously done too much damage — more than I ever realized. I should just be glad I’ve still got his friendship and be happy with that.”

“But will you?” Matt asked, surveying Shiro carefully as he leaned back in his chair. “Be happy with that?”

“I have to be,” Shiro said, hoping his sadness at the concept wasn’t as obvious as it felt.

“No, you don’t,” Pidge said forcefully. Her hands smacked the table, startling Shiro as the glasses rocked without tipping over. “Ah, fuck. I can’t believe I’m getting involved in this! You need to tell him how you feel.”

Shiro stared at her in surprise. “But he’s happy with Daigo now. What if I just mess everything up? I almost lost him before, when I got married. I don’t want to do that again.”

“You won’t lose Keith,” Pidge said, her voice ringing with certainty. “For as long as I’ve known him, you’ve been the most important person in his life. You forget, I was there when we thought Zarkon killed you. And when we weren’t sure if you were going to survive reincarnation, or whatever you want to call that crazy experience.” She gazed at him with a rare soft look in her eyes. “He loves you. And even if it’s not the way you want him to, he obviously knows what it’s like to be in that position. He’s not going to hold it against you.”

Looking at Matt for confirmation, Shiro asked, “So I should tell him?”

Matt shrugged in response. “She’s not wrong.”

“Of course, I’m not!” Pidge exclaimed. “I don’t know why you doubt me. But Shiro, you have to understand — this isn’t something you can control. You have to be willing to accept whatever makes Keith happy, whatever he wants.”

“Because if you can’t, you don’t deserve him anyway,” Matt finished.

Shiro stared down at the table, unable to meet his friends’ eyes. He wished so much that he could go back in time and do things differently — avoid all the hurt he’d caused Keith. And Curtis. And himself.

“I love both of you guys,” Pidge said. “You both deserve to be happy. After the crazy crap we’ve all been through, the universe owes us that much, don’t you think?”

Shiro gave her a skeptical look. “I’m not convinced the universe is benevolent, but I guess we can hope.”

“Well,” Matt said, shaking off the serious tone of the conversation, “it’s damn sure better now that it’s not being controlled by an evil empire.”

“I’ll drink to that!” Pidge said, taking a drink of the green concoction in her tall glass.

“Can we possibly talk about something else now?” Shiro asked. He wasn’t sure how much more emotional talk he could handle, especially with the amount he’d had to drink. It was almost worse than a therapy session. “Nobody wants to see me crying in the middle of a bar… “

Pidge leaned over and gave him a pat on the shoulder. “This will make you feel better. Let me tell you about the stupid thing Lance did… “

“NOOO!!” Matt shouted, the amount of alcohol he’d imbibed finally becoming visible. “Let’s dance!”

He jumped out of his chair and grabbed Shiro’s arm, attempting to pull him along with him. Unfortunately, his sand-haired friend took hold of the Altean arm’s wrist.

Pidge and Shiro chuckled as the arm floated along behind Matt, who skipped cluelessly toward the dance floor.

“How long do you think it will take him to figure it out?” Shiro laughed, watching as Matt got stopped by a woman who was running her hand along his shoulder suggestively.

Pidge shrugged. “Depends. He may get completely sidetracked by someone and let go.”

“I guess that means I’ll get my arm back, eventually.” Shiro said with an amused smile.

“I’d do that soon. I wouldn’t put it past my brother to drag your arm into an unwilling threesome,” Pidge said, her lips quirked to display her disgust at the thought.

Shiro, knowing Matt well enough to recognize that was  _ exactly _ the type of thing he would find both “helpful” and amusing, pulled his arm back to his side at the first opportunity. 

He passed the rest of the evening in a pleasant haze of chatting with Pidge, dancing with Matt and the entourage that had formed around him, and gently turning down more than one suitor. It was tempting, the thought of going home with someone and selfishly blowing off steam. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to burn Keith out of his system, no matter how hot the dark-haired man dancing tightly up against his back might be.

It would never be who he truly wanted.

The buzz in Shiro’s veins wasn’t enough to dull his thinking, but it left him unrestrained enough to make a promise to himself: the next time he saw Keith, he would tell him how he felt.

He just needed to find a way to make that happen before it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {rubs hands together wickedly} We are really starting to get into the thick of things now! I promise I will not take so long to get the next chapter up. It's already half done (and has been for months) and I've got a ton of free time at work this summer, so updates should come a lot quicker.
> 
> What you think about the Holt's advice — should Shiro make a move?


	11. Patience Yields Focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro settles into single life and finally divulges a little about his past during his therapy session.
>
>>   
> One of the few things he felt missing from his life was companionship, but Shiro refused to let that bring him down. It was much better to be alone than fighting with a spouse every day. And going out in large crowds held little appeal, especially when he had no desire to meet someone and create unwanted entanglements.
>> 
>> There was only one person he wanted. Shiro knew that now. And until he knew for sure there was no chance with Keith, he kept a single-minded focus on maintaining his unattached status.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much to everyone who is reading this story! And to DropsOfAutumn for being my editor and helping make all of my writing better :)

 

Another month flew by, days blurred into weeks, and Shiro kept busy with teaching and other activities at the Garrison. He was happy — more than he had been in a long time. The routine of work, going to the gym, grading and paperwork helped calm his mind and provided the structure he craved.

One of the few things he felt missing from his life was companionship, but Shiro refused to let that bring him down. It was much better to be alone than fighting with a spouse every day. And going out in large crowds held little appeal, especially when he had no desire to meet someone and create unwanted entanglements.

There was only one person he wanted. Shiro knew that now. And until he knew for sure there was no chance with Keith, he kept a single-minded focus on maintaining his unattached status.

Instead of seeking out a sexual partner, Shiro had turned to his friends to keep him company. He made a point to contact the other paladins, Coran, and Matt at least every few weeks, and their frequent video chats kept the loneliness at bay. He and Pidge had even gotten together a group of interested Garrison personnel for a weekly game of _Monsters & Mana_. Even though Shiro hadn’t been quite _himself_ when they’d played before, he still enjoyed the game and it was a fun way to spend an evening.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t any better at the game than his clone had been. Pidge had taken great enjoyment in creating a large panel that she displayed at every game night, with an updated list of the number of times his character had died and how it had happened.

After four weeks of playing, he was up to death number thirteen: a grisly poisoning caused by a sickly sweet brown candy.

In addition to _Monsters & Mana_ nights, Shiro had also found a way to provide himself with some company on a daily basis: he’d gotten a cat.

The adorable little kitten now in his life was bringing him a kind of happiness he hadn’t experienced since he was young. After complaining to Hunk that his apartment was just too empty and quiet, his friend had suggested a pet as a way to help fill the void. Shiro had not had a pet in his life since he was a child, unless you could count Cosmo, who had clearly been much more Keith’s companion than anyone else’s. He’d considered a few low-maintenance options but had such fond memories of his childhood cat, Kichōna, he couldn’t shake the niggling desire for a furry ball of warmth he’d be able to speak to without feeling completely ridiculous.

When one of his students mentioned a friend had found a tiny stray while patrolling the fence boundary and wasn’t sure what to do with it, Shiro saw it as a cosmic intervention. With a thankful shout-out to Allura and the universe, he’d gladly taken the fluffy burden off the student’s hands that same afternoon – without any regrets.

 

*****

“It’s been a while since you’ve come to see me,” Dr. Bazal commented, once the perfunctory greetings were exchanged and Shiro had settled into the couch in her office. “Any particular reason?”

Shiro shrugged in response. “I’ve just been busy.”

He kept it at that, not wanting to add how their last session had left him needing time to process his thoughts and feelings.

“Really?” the therapist responded, a hint of surprise in her voice.

“Yes,” Shiro said. “I guess I’ve gotten into a routine since being back at the Garrison. Work has kept me busy. I’ve started seeing my friends regularly — there’s a game we get together to play that I enjoy a lot. And I’ve gotten a cat…”

Dr. Bazal sat in silence for a moment, her mouth morphing into a rare small smile. “You seem to be doing well, then. That’s wonderful, Shiro.”

Her response was so honest and heartfelt, Shiro scratched the back of his neck and blushed slightly at the unexpected praise. “I’m trying.”

“Tell me about your cat,” Dr. Bazal requested. “Have you had pets before?”

Shiro smiled, thinking about the little guy waiting for him at home. “His name is Kuro. He’s a bit of a handful, just a kitten still, but it’s nice to have someone at home with me. Some nights he wants to do his own thing, but others he likes to curl up on my chest on the couch. It’s nice.”

“Companionship comes in many forms,” his therapist said with a smile. “Has it been a difficult adjustment, caring for him?”

“No, not at all. It’s nice, actually,” Shiro admitted. “I guess… I hadn’t realized how much I missed taking care of someone else.”

“You did that a lot, as a paladin, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” Shiro said, picturing the Castle of Lions in his head. As crazy and dangerous as it had often been, he had good memories, too. “The rest of them were younger than me and basically looked at me to take charge from the start. Sometimes it felt more like I was their space dad than a team leader. I didn’t really mind it, though.”

“You’ve always been the type to take others under your wing,” Dr. Bazal commented.

Shiro hummed. “I guess so.”

“You named your cat Kuro?” Dr Bazal asked. “Is that term significant?”

“It just means ‘black’ in Japanese,” he explained with a shrug of his shoulder. 

“Interesting,” said the doctor as her head tilted just a touch to the side. “That is the heritage of your family, correct?”

“Yes, but that’s not why I chose it,” Shiro stated, attempting to change the trajectory of her questions while he could. “I just thought it would be a more interesting name than _Black_. I’m not all that creative.”

His chuckle and self-deprecation did nothing to deter the woman.

“There are other terms with that meaning you could have used. Yet you chose that one.” Dr. Bazal’s voice was calm but firm. She wasn’t going to be swayed easily today.

He crossed his arms in defiance. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Do you speak Japanese?” she asked, shifting gears.

Shiro sighed. “Not particularly well. I did, when I was young, but I got out of the practice of using it once I went to the Garrison. After my grandfather passed, I didn’t have much use for it.”

“How old were you when he died?”

“Sixteen,” Shiro answered. “It happened only a couple years after I came to live here.”

His therapist made a note on her data pad. “And did you know him well?”

Shiro nodded. “He raised me. After my grandmother died, it was just the two of us until I left to become a cadet.”

“And what of your parents?” Dr. Bazal asked, calm and conversational, as if there was no doubt he would answer every question she asked. “Did you know them?”

Internally, Shiro hit the brakes. _Hard_. There was no way he was willing to go down that path.

“I don’t want to talk about them. They were no one to me,” he all but growled. He was aware of how his body language had become defensive, could feel his fists clench and his shoulders hunch. Straightening his spine, he leaned back in his seat.

Dr. Bazal showed absolutely no acknowledgement of his change in tone or posture. “What type of man was your grandfather?”

He’d given her an inch, and she had run with it. Shiro couldn’t help but give credit to her tenacity.

Seeing no harm in discussing this particular part of his past, his answer was still perfunctory. “Difficult.”

“How so?”

“I believe the expression is ‘hard to please’,” Shiro stated.

His therapist paused her questioning for a moment, considering. “Did you love him?”

“I… Yes,” Shiro answered softly. “Everything I did was to try to make him proud.”

Dr. Bazal made a note on her pad, then her gaze settled back on Shiro, squinting slightly with a wondering. “Did your grandfather love you?”

Thrown by the question, Shiro only stared at her for a moment. His automatic response was to say yes, but he swallowed the word instead. “I… I guess?”

“Why do you say that?”

Shiro paused, trying to find the words to explain honestly without making his grandfather seem like a monster. “My grandfather was not big on expressing emotions. Of any kind. I always assumed it was just the way he was raised or part of his culture. Now that I think about it, I don’t believe I ever heard him say ‘I love you’. At least, not to me.”

“Yet you sought to impress him?”

“Yes, of course,” Shiro said, his expression very matter-of-fact. “Doesn’t every child want to make their family proud of them?”

“Not every child,” his therapist replied. “But most, yes. Would you say he was proud of you?”

“I think so, yes,” Shiro answered, staring at the wall as if it was a window into the past. It had been such a long time since he’d taken the time to think about it, he could hardly picture his grandparents in his mind’s eye anymore. “From the time I started school, I worked hard to please my grandparents. I always wanted to show them I was worthy.”

With another hastily jotted note on her pad, his therapist responded, “And how did you know your grandparents were proud of you? Did they tell you?”

“My grandmother did,” Shiro said quietly. “She died when I was very young, probably six or seven years old. My grandfather… was more closed off. It took more to impress him. Sometimes he would tell me he was proud or I’d done something well. Sometimes I could just tell, his expression would change. It was… softer. I suppose, looking back, I lived to please him.”

“Do you think that’s why you became so driven to be successful?”

“Yeah, I guess so… “ Shiro trailed off, thinking about just how much of an impact his grandfather’s persona had on his life. “He was all I really had, and the only way to get his attention — to show any hint of affection — was by winning awards or breaking records.”

“What about after he was gone?” Dr. Bazal asked, peering at him over the top of her glasses.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he responded, “By then, I had a diagnosis. I was on a clock. I guess it shifted into a desire to be successful before time ran out.”

“But why was that so important?” his doctor questioned. “Your grandfather was gone. You had no other family.”

“I wanted to leave behind a name for myself,” Shiro admitted quietly. “A legacy.”

“You’ve mentioned that before, I think. We’ve discussed how when Keith began beating your records, you believed he could be your legacy. Why was that so important?”

“I just wanted to be remembered for something, I guess,” he said. “If not for my own accomplishments, then as a catalyst for Keith’s. I knew — I thought — I was going to die. I wanted my life to have had a purpose. For my family name to be remembered for something. To have a meaning that would survive.”

The room was silent for a full minute as Dr. Bazal looked over her notes before her stoic gaze fell on him. Shiro waited, wondering what her next angle would be.

“Mr. Shirogane,” she said into the quiet of the little room. “What happened to your mother?”

He sucked in a long breath to calm his shock at her abrupt question. He answered firmly, “It doesn’t matter. I told you, we’re not discussing her. She was no one.”

He hadn’t talked about his mother since he was very young, and he would not start now.  There was no reason to.

Her name had been a curse in his grandfather’s house, an unmentionable word. He had blocked her out of his memory a long time ago.

“No one…” Dr. Bazal echoed, her gaze searching as if cataloguing the expression on his face. Shiro wondered, not for the first time, if she could somehow read his mind. Her tone and expression rarely wavered, but in that moment Shiro could see the pity in her eyes.

After reminding himself there was no way for her to know his full history, he said slowly and deliberately, “It’s not important.”

The doctor nodded in acquiescence, removing her glasses and looking at him very deliberately. “I’d like to give you my opinion, if you are open to it.”

Shiro stared at her in surprise. This was not generally the way their sessions worked. She questioned him in an effort to make him realize things for himself. Whatever she had to say now was based on what she had gleaned over months of his sharing information.

Shiro wasn’t sure if he was prepared to hear her analysis, but he was much too curious to say no. He’d also come to appreciate that the self-reflection was necessary to improving himself. With the decision to talk with Keith when they next came face-to-face, Shiro realized it was important to work through as much of the shitstorm in his head as possible. The last thing he wanted was to continue making a mess of his life, and he absolutely couldn’t risk hurting Keith.

“I… Go on,” Shiro replied, waving at her to give her the floor. He tried to brace himself for whatever revelation she might have.

“I know that you do not enjoy discussing your childhood, Shiro,” she began, her use of his nickname stood out, since she did it incredibly rarely. “But it is important to recognize that, as adults, we often react to things the way we do because of conditioning we received in our early years.”

Shiro nodded in agreement and encouragement for her to continue.

“Your desire to please, to be a success at everything, impacted your marriage,” she went on. “You wanted it to work, and when you realized it wasn’t something you could force or ‘win’ on your own, you sabotaged and destroyed it. You could not handle your inability to be the husband you believed Curtis wanted. And your failure only caused you to spiral and make it worse.”

He took a second to process her words. “Yes. Yes, I know. We’ve already discussed that, though. I recognize that.”

“What you don’t see, though, is that you have been living your entire life to please other people. First it was your grandfather, then the Garrison and the public — your attempt to make your mark. That wasn’t really for you, was it? There is something in your history you have always tried to make up for, manifested in your grandfather, perhaps,” Dr. Bazal explained in her calm, clinical way.

Shiro shook his head in denial. “No. I wanted to go to space. That was my dream —”

“Yes, but the _why_ is important,” she retorted. “Your life followed the path of the overachiever, straight to the top academy in the world, where the best and the brightest were recruited. It wasn’t a love of space that drew you there, though I don’t doubt you developed an appreciation for it and an enjoyment of flying. It was the drive to succeed, in any way possible, that put you there.

“Then add in your experiences as the champion where winning and destroying others for entertainment was necessary for survival. And your life as a paladin — none of that was for you, was it? Again, you _had_ to do what was necessary to win, to succeed,” she said, her voice betraying a passion he’d never heard before. “Nothing in your life has been about _you_ , has it?”

Shiro’s breath came rapidly, processing the many points she was making. Deep down, he’d known this. All of it. Nothing was new — he’d _lived_ it, after all. “You act as if my choices weren’t mine to make. I made decisions — and I’ve had to live with them.”

“From where I am sitting, the only major decision you made that was solely your own, and not as a motive for either survival or pride, was your husband,” Dr. Bazal stated bluntly. “And you are already aware that, whether you knew it or not, your brain had ulterior motives for choosing him.”

“I didn’t realize I’d fallen for Keith,” Shiro said defensively.

Dr. Bazal gave him a pitying look. “I believe there may be other factors at work there, as well.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Keith is one of the very few people in your life that expected nothing from you,” his therapist explained. “And I believe that scared you.”

“Scared me? Why would that be a bad thing?” Shiro scoffed, almost laughing in disbelief.

“Because, like Adam, with Keith _you_ were enough. You do not need to have a reason for existing, Shiro,” the doctor said softly, attempting to cushion the verbal blow. “I believe that is a foreign concept for you. Keith has never cared about your records, your achievements, your titles. Your mere existence meant the world to him. The fact that he went to such great lengths, over and over again, to save your life is proof of that. He did not do that because you were important to the Garrison or Voltron or the universe. It was because you were important. Period.”

Tears formed in Shiro’s eyes, causing his vision to blur. He fought them back, rubbing his flesh palm at his eyes.

“I believe at least part of why you pushed your friend away and avoided facing your feelings was because you didn’t know how to cope. That emotional self-defense mechanism we discussed in previous sessions kicked in,” Dr. Bazal explained. “A person’s psyche is generally built to fear what it can’t understand. I’m sorry to say, I believe you may lack an understanding of love, Shiro.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Shiro argued. “I _have_ loved people in my life —”

“No,” his therapist gently interrupted. “You do not understand how someone could love _you_.”

“But that doesn’t…” he trailed off, his brain searching for an argument. “That can’t be true.”

She looked at him carefully. “Describe yourself, Shiro. Tell me three things about yourself. The first few things that come to mind. Go.”

He took a few seconds to consider it. “I’m a pilot. A fighter. I helped save the universe.”

His therapist smiled, but her look was empty. “I’d like to note, those are all things you’ve _done_. Those are accomplishments.”

“Yes,” he replied stiffly, not understanding her argument. Those were still facts about himself, undeniably linked to who he was as a person.

“They are not who you _are_ , Shiro,” she explained, her manner gentle again as if coddling a child.

He bristled at the treatment, arms crossed over his chest in a protective stance. When he didn’t respond for a few seconds, the doctor shifted tactics. “Let’s try it with someone else, then. It’s not word association. Describe the person in two or three words. Describe your friend, Keith.”

That was much easier. It didn’t take Shiro as long to generate an answer as it had for himself. “Honest. Brave. Steadfast. Caring.”

“Good. What about Lance?”

“Um… Funny. Sarcastic… Definitely loyal,” Shiro answered.

“Very good,” Dr. Bazal said. “When you describe others, you can use personality traits. Why do you think you can’t do that for yourself?”

“I don’t know.” Shiro stared at her, face blank. He was at a complete loss and the amount of introspection she’d required of him during the session was beginning to drain him. He’d never thought that sitting on a couch talking about his feelings could be as exhausting as a sparring session.

“Your self-worth has developed externally,” she explained. At the look of confusion and worry on his face, she added, “It’s not necessarily a cause for concern. It’s just part of who you are. A part I would suggest you try to modify.”

“So I need to become someone else?” Shiro asked, a wrinkle forming between his furrowed brows. He felt as if he’d spent the entirety of his marriage trying to be someone he wasn’t, and that didn’t work out well in the end.

“No, not at all. Most of therapy is a process of discovering who you are,” the doctor expounded. “But the goal is ultimately to improve — not completely change — yourself. And for you, specifically, it is imperative you recognize your own attributes. If you can not see the things within yourself, the parts of you that other people enjoy or find attractive or even love, you will be likely to repeat past mistakes — creating a version of yourself you _think_ they want.”

“I.. “ Shiro took a deep breath. “I think I understand.”

In truth, his level of comprehension was questionable at best. From his perspective, the choices he’d made in his life _had_ been his own. However, his doctor seemed to think those choices had been informed by outside forces, pressures that steered him in certain directions.

As he began to consider her words, he wondered if she wasn’t correct. Though never taking the path of doing what was easy, when it came to major decisions, Shiro had always gone along with what others wanted him to do. When he’d first started at the Garrison, he had taken an interest in the engineering program and had considered making that his focus. Shiro had shown a natural talent in the simulators, however, and when commanding officers suggested he change course to become a pilot, he’d quickly adjusted his projected career path.

He hadn’t even questioned if flying was something he _wanted_ to do. He’d just done it.

Perhaps there was something to Dr. Bazal’s theory after all.

“A person who does not know themselves is rarely truly happy in a relationship, Shiro. You may enjoy making others happy, but it is not enough to fulfill you,” Dr. Bazal asserted. She lifted an eyebrow in challenge. “I have a wondering, if I may be so bold. Have you ever considered a less… traditional type of relationship?”

A crease formed between the furrow of his brows, his confusion evident. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Well, as your thinking exists now, you might find enjoyment in a dominant/submissive relationship,” she suggested with the barest hint of a smile.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro sputtered indignantly. He couldn’t believe his therapist suggested such a thing with the same inflection she’d recommend a type of food he should try. “What?”

“In some cases, being required to focus solely on someone else’s needs or fulfilling what they ask of you can be very freeing,” she explained plainly, as if discussing the weather.

Meanwhile, Shiro’s brain had unhelpfully concocted all manner of obscene images involving Keith, scant well-placed leather wrapped around his body, and a crop, with himself subservient on his knees. 

His face heated to a bright red instantly. He really needed to stop watching so much porn.

_Holy shit,_ he thought, a bit panicked at his own response. _Maybe she wasn’t far off the mark._

Shiro rubbed at his face, willing his embarrassment away. “I really am a mess,” he groaned.

“Internal personal struggles are seldom born from a singular place, Mr. Shirogane,” Dr. Bazal stressed. “And you have been through much in your short life. Some of which I can still only guess at.”

Shiro took issue with her smirk, but remained silent. Of course there were things he didn’t want to discuss — that was his prerogative. And anyway, it seemed he had plenty to work through without delving into the abhorrent pit where his story began.

As she glanced at her watch, Dr. Bazal commented, “I can see we’ve put you through a lot today. As a rule, I’m not a fan of homework for patients, but I feel this particular assignment is necessary for you. Before our next session, I’d like you to make a list of words you would use to describe yourself. As you make your list, reflect on whether it is an attribute or an action and cull the list as needed. I’d like to see your entire list, so leave any words you believe don’t belong and just mark them off in place. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Shiro answered, more than ready to escape the confines of the room. He’d do anything she asked at this point, if he could just escape into the fresh air and breath.

“We’ll discuss what you come up with the next time I see you,” Dr. Bazal said. A gentle look came over her face, and she gave him a rare, soft smile of encouragement. “It may not seem apparent at the moment, but you are doing well, Mr. Shirogane. You’re making gains and learning about yourself. I hope you recognize that.”

Shiro let out a quiet sigh. “I do. It’s just… I thought this would be easy. Or at least, easier than some of the things I’ve been through in the past. It… hasn’t been what I expected.”

“You must learn to be patient with yourself and your mental processes,” she replied. “Things that are worth doing don’t often come easily. Changing one’s behavior is difficult — changing one’s thinking, even more so.”

_Patience yields focus_ , Shiro thought to himself bitterly, bidding his therapist a good day and wondering when he’d lost the ability to follow his own advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This was a lot, right? This chapter got heavy, and fair warning - the next one is a little bit, too.
> 
> I really love being able to delve into the possibilities of Shiro's backstory in this fic. Do you have any theories about what happened to Shiro's mother? I'd love to hear them!


	12. Keith Protection Squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance forcefully chimes in with his own opinion on Shiro’s big plans for the future.
>
>>   
> “You don’t exactly have the best track record for making people happy.”  
> A fire erupted in his chest as Shiro’s temper began to overpower his patience, and the expression on his face must have reflected his inner feelings.  
> “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, Shiro,” Lance continued unfazed. “Your ex-husband goes without saying. And Keith? When was the last time you went out of your way to do anything for him? For his happiness? When he was a cadet, maybe?”  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve had most of this chapter written for a LONG time. If you’ve read any of my other stories, you’ll know that I kind of have a ‘thing’ for the bromance between Lance and Keith. Getting to see how solid their friendship became was one of the ONLY things I liked about S8. I have a tendency to work that into just about everything I write - probably because I live with two Klance shippers :D

 

Long, slim fingers stroked teasingly over his chest, a thumb finding his nipple and rubbing excruciating circles around the nub. The hard body pressed up against the front of him helped stoke simmering embers to life low in his belly.

“Tell me you want me.” A raspy voice, pitched deep with desire, teased at his ear and hot breath blew against his cheek. “Just say the word, and you can have me. You know you want to.”

Shiro groaned, feeling his pants tighten. He pressed against the man’s hip, trying to find the relief his body wanted. “What about --?”

“Don’t say his name,” the man quickly interrupted. “There’s nobody else. Nobody but you. There’s never been anyone but you, Shiro.”

Lips found his, a tongue delving into his mouth which he stroked with his own greedily. He couldn’t get enough of the taste, the velvety feel, the bite of teeth on his lip. The hand at his chest slid down, tracing the lines of his abs under his shirt, and moved lower to palm his hardness against the zipper of his pants.

He broke away from the tantalizing mouth that only relocated to lick and bite at his neck as Shiro let a moan escape. “ _Keith_.”

“Why did you waste so much time?” Keith whispered, pressing harder and slowly dragging his hand down the bulge in Shiro’s pants. “I could have been taking care of you. I’ll _always_ take care of you, Shiro.”

The tender admission clashed with the sound of his voice, filthy with arousal and making Shiro’s head spin. It was everything he wanted, both too much and not nearly enough, all at the same time.

Long, slim fingers rubbed at the hair low on his stomach, trailing down to sneak just under the waistband of his pants. A guttural moan escaped Shiro’s lips, encouraging the hand to slip lower…

A loud dinging startled him, and his gaze darted away from Keith to locate the noise.

Shooting up in bed, Shiro panted heavily as he reoriented himself. Like a phantom, Keith had vanished, but the jarring sound of a bell ringing had not abated. He tugged his flesh hand free from where it was tucked into the elastic of his sleep pants with a groan.

It may have only been a dream, but as he scrambled for the offending piece of technology, his painful erection reminded him that his body didn’t recognize the difference.

His floating arm brought the data pad closer, and Shiro saw the video call coming in was from Keith, because _fucking of course_ it was. He very briefly considered not answering, but they had been playing phone tag for the last few days, and he couldn’t afford to miss this one.

“Keith!” he answered, internally wincing at the way his voice sounded breathy and rough. Out of sight of the screen, he put pressure on the hardness tenting his sleep pants, willing it to abate.

“Hey, Shiro.” Unfortunately, the voice and face on the screen perfectly matched the imagined version from minutes ago, and his dick twitched in a Pavlovian response.

“Hi.” Shiro took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart and stopping the blood from rushing to very unhelpful places.

“Is this a bad time?” Keith asked, brows furrowed in concern. “Your face is really red. You sound like you were overdoing your workout.” 

“Just woke up.” The words were out of his mouth before Shiro thought about the implications, and a cough followed by a nervous laugh told him Keith had drawn his own conclusion rather quickly.

“Shit,” Keith chuckled. “Sorry to interrupt!”

“No!” Shiro said quickly. “No, it’s not like that --”

“It’s ok not to answer if you’ve got company, you know?” interrupted Keith, a slight pink staining his cheeks. “Just call me back --”

“Company?” Shiro asked in confusion, shifting in discomfort. Luckily, the blood rushing to his face from morbid embarrassment seemed to help calm his initial problem. “There’s no company. I’ve made a point of avoiding that, actually.”

“Ah,” Keith hummed, at a loss for how to proceed. “Well, sorry anyway. Although, I guess this is a bit awkward then. I was actually going to see if you were up for some company in a couple of weeks. I’ve got a few days open when I can swing a visit.”

Shiro couldn’t contain the smile that broke over his face. “I’m always up for _your_ company,” he admitted, and god, what a double entendre that was.

Luckily, Keith didn’t take his response as anything untoward. 

There was a tiny piece of Shiro that really wishes he had. It would be nice to have some insight on what Keith’s response might be if he did confess his feelings.

The call didn’t last long since Keith needed to get to a meeting, and they quickly made arrangements for the upcoming visit. Although Keith tried to argue he could stay at a hotel, Shiro insisted he should stay with him since he was coming alone. It was ridiculous for his friend to pay for accommodations when he had plenty of space. And, Shiro admitted selfishly, he wanted to be able to spend every moment with Keith that he could. His visits to Earth were rare, and Shiro had plans for this one.

Overjoyed that Keith was coming unaccompanied, Shiro imagined it was a good sign. They didn’t have time to discuss much else during the call, but he hoped the fact that Keith made no mention of his boyfriend meant the relationship had run its course.

He didn’t want to make things more difficult for Keith, and if Daigo was out of the picture, the discussion Shiro was planning for his visit would certainly go more smoothly.

*****

 

“Don’t do this,” Lance said, his voice firm and carrying an authoritative weight Shiro wasn’t used to.

The fact that Lance was jumping into a conversation without preamble, no hellos or meaningless stories to get the ball rolling, put Shiro on alert immediately upon answering the video call. Something was wrong.

“What are you talking about?” Shiro asked slowly, concern clearly discernible in his voice.

“I heard something from Pidge,” Lance growled, glaring angrily from the screen. “I think you know what I heard. Do _not_ do this.”

Shiro had never seen Lance look more deadly serious. And considering the number of life-threatening situations they’d been in together, that was saying something. The face he wore now had never shown itself outside the protection of his lion during battle.

It wasn’t hard for Shiro to immediately guess what he was talking about, and there was no reason to pretend he didn’t. Reminded once again there were still no secrets between paladins, Shiro smothered his sigh. He could only try to de-escalate the situation, replying calmly, “Lance, I really don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

“Dude, this is totally my business,” Lance said angrily. His blue eyes flashed darkly through the illuminated data pad. “He’s happy — finally. He’s actually thinking about a permanent situation with this guy. You have no idea…”

“I can’t change how I feel.”

“Oh, you can’t change how you feel? Isn’t that convenient?” Lance snarled, his sarcasm biting. “Because these aren’t the same ‘feelings’ you had when you announced your engagement just a few short years ago.”

“That’s a low blow,” muttered Shiro, eyes darting down to his lap. The last thing that sounded like fun was having his mistakes thrown back into his face.

“Really? I have no pity for you in this, man,” Lance stated, heat flashing in his eyes. “Do you know who had to pick up all the tiny little Keith pieces and try to glue him back together after that phone call? This guy.”

The thumbs pointing at his chest only emphasized Lance’s point further.

“What?” Shiro truly had no idea what Lance was talking about. Yet his immediate reaction based on Lance’s tone was that he didn’t want to find out.

As far as he knew, Keith had reacted to the engagement announcement much the same as everyone else. Shiro remembered their conversation, or at least, he thought he did. Keith had smiled and seemed happy for him. He’d even agreed to be his best man…

“God, Shiro, I shouldn’t even consider telling you. Keith would kill me,” Lance sighed in frustration. He took a deep breath and a resigned look came over his face. His ocean-blue eyes bore into Shiro, solving a puzzle only he could see. “Screw it. You need to know the damage you’ve done — even if he never wanted you to be aware of it.”

Apprehension swirled in his chest, settling like a weight pressing down firmly on his heart. He really wished he hadn’t picked up the call. It seemed whatever Lance was preparing to tell him was a planet-sized boulder about to be thrown at him.

“Keith was a mess when you got engaged,” Lance said bluntly. “To the point that Krolia had to call me to come see him. Normally, you would have been the one to call when Keith needed help, but obviously that was out.”

He paused, giving Shiro a pointed look before continuing. “When I got there… man, it was bad. Really, really bad. I don’t even want to tell you about it, because one — you would rightfully hate yourself and never be able to look him in the eye again and two — I needed extra therapy sessions afterward because I was so traumatized.”

Shiro’s initial reaction was to protest that he was exaggerating, but the expression on Lance’s face suggested otherwise. Instead, he said weakly, “I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you make it sound.”

“No. You’re right,” Lance said brightly, only to turn his tone sharply to add, “It was worse.”

Shiro frowned and looked away, accepting his friend’s condescending attitude without comment. Obviously Lance had much more information than he did and was in no mood to be trifled with.

“Let’s just say, I’ve never seen Keith like that — and I hope to everything holy I never have to again,” said Lance, his voice going low, a tenderness creeping in that Shiro very rarely heard from Lance. “I thought I was dealing horribly with losing Allura… You have no idea, man. You broke his heart. You broke HIM. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit back and let you do it again.”

Silence greeted his statement as Shiro tried to process the information. Lance stared at him through the screen, arms folded and head held high, ready to fight for his friend’s honor in the only way possible. 

Shiro hadn’t been completely imperceptive. He had always suspected he’d hurt Keith, based on his behavior at the wedding and complete avoidance of Shiro for months after. And from what Matt had told him not long ago, there had obviously once been more to Keith’s feelings for him than just friendship. Shiro had never realized the depth of it, though.

There was no way for him to have known he’d cut Keith more deeply with his indifference than he had years ago with an arm morphed into a glowing sword.

But they had gotten through it. He hadn’t completely abandoned their relationship once Shiro had been clear he refused to lose Keith’s presence in his life. Keith had stuck with him and their friendship.

That had to mean something.

“I didn’t know,” Shiro said, trying to explain, to defend himself to Keith’s self-appointed protector, but only succeeded at sounding petulant. “I had no idea how he felt… “

“You knew,” Lance spit the words angrily. “You HAD to know how he felt. He wasn’t exactly hard to read. There was at least one time when we were still in the Castle that Hunk told him Pidge was too young to witness that level of eye fucking. HUNK, man. You know it’s blatant when _he_ feels like he has to say something. If you were blind, that’s your own fault.” 

Unable to defend himself, Shiro shifted to battle strategy. He dodged, “This isn’t exactly your call, Lance.” 

A blaze flared in Lance’s eyes, and he leaned forward as if he could physically throw himself through the screen. “Shiro, I swear to God, I don’t care that you are three times my size and could bend me into a pretzel at will. If you hurt him again, I will drop kick your ass so hard your soul comes back out of your body again.”  
  
Shiro stared at the man on his screen in shock. In any other circumstance, he would never consider taking direction from Lance. But then again, he had never seen the Blue Paladin like this. He was so fiercely protective it was _frightening_. The feral look on his face made Shiro relieved they weren’t having the conversation in person.

Being scared of Lance was a new, incredibly unsettling experience.  
  
He sighed in defeat. “What am I supposed to do?” Shiro asked quietly . 

Lance slumped, his body relaxing from the previous tightly coiled posture.

“Keep your feelings to yourself. See how this thing with the boyfriend plays out,” said Lance. “Maybe it won’t work out.”  
  
“What if it does?” Shiro grumbled, hoping his face had n’t contorted into a pout.   
  
“Then you deal with it. Just like he had to. You had your chance, big guy. He shouldn’t have to pay the price just because you’re late to the party,” snarked Lance. “You aren’t married anymore. You want some advice? I’d suggest staying that way. If you’re the person he really wants to be with, he’ll come to you. If not... consider it cosmic karma for being a dumbass.”   
  
“Don’t you think Keith should know he has a choice?” Shiro asked. He was never one to give up easily . “What if he ends up settling for someone that can’t make him happy?” 

“Ok, first of all, for my own mental health and well-being, I don’t really play into that whole ‘there’s only one person out there for everyone - soulmate’ stuff. If I did…” Lance ranted. He stopped and took a breath to gather himself. “Well, if I did I’d be screwed because I lost mine.”

Shiro’s heart broke for him. Lance’s anger was making him a lot more honest and forthright about his own suffering than he usually was. 

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said, his expression contrite. “That’s not what I was trying to say.”

“And two,” Lance went on, ignoring the interruption. His voice was still laced with anger. “You don’t exactly have the best track record for making people happy.”

A fire erupted in his chest as Shiro’s temper began to overpower his patience, and the expression on his face must have reflected his inner feelings.

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, Shiro,” Lance continued unfazed. “Your ex-husband goes without saying. And Keith? When was the last time you went out of your way to do anything for him? For his happiness? When he was a _cadet,_ maybe?”

It was very difficult to stay infuriated at someone when they were making points Shiro couldn’t argue with. He _had_ been selfish and self-serving when it came to Keith. For far too long. But in fairness, he also hadn’t exactly been himself the entire time.

Yet even after Keith saved him, and Allura retrieved him from the Black Lion, Shiro had still made decisions based on his own desires. It was never about Keith. Or anyone else’s feelings, for that matter.

When it should have been.

Lance was right. _When did he become so wise?_

Shiro closed his eyes, running a hand through his hair. “You’re right, Lance. I don’t deserve him. I never will.”

“Oh geez, Shiro. Don’t get all melodramatic on me.” Lance said as he rolled his eyes.

“No, you’re right. I need to leave this alone,” Shiro admitted sadly.

He gazed at Lance who stared back like he was being physically tortured off camera. “Aww, come on, man. The sad puppy face? Really? No wonder Keith can’t say ‘no’ to you.”

“I doubt I have that kind of power, Lance.” He sounded pathetic, he knew, but Shiro couldn’t stop himself. It didn’t matter what he wanted. What mattered was that Keith was happy. He needed to accept that he couldn’t get everything he wanted in life simply by pursuing it. Some things in life shouldn’t be chased after.

“You know what, fine. I’m willing to compromise,” Lance sighed. He looked at Shiro seriously through the screen. “You work your swerve — but SUBTLE. No grand declaration. And ONLY if you are in this to win this. You better make damn sure that Keith is who you want — because I’m here to tell you, there’s no going back again for him. I’ve watched him lose you too many times. If you broke his heart again...”  
  
Lance trailed off, unable to voice whatever he thought the repercussions might be.

“I know I’ve been blind to things. That I’ve made mistakes,” Shiro admitted. “I can’t go back and change what I should have done differently. But I can recognize the truth about things now. I promise I won’t try to hurt him.”

“You didn’t exactly _try_ before, you know,” Lance retorted cruelly.  
  
A sudden thought occurred to him as Shiro realized that, in some ways, Lance might know more about Keith than he did. He was curious about how _much_ he hurt Keith and how Lance had been there for him. 

“Can I ask a question?” Shiro asked, the regret about hurting Keith seeping into his voice. At Lance’s nod, he asked, “When I… What exactly did you do to get him through it?”

He knew the two of them had become closer at some point during the war, but Shiro hadn’t realized how much respect and affection Lance so obviously had developed for Keith. He was glad, though, that Keith had someone like Lance in his corner. He was a good friend and probably the most loyal person he knew. Besides Keith, of course.

“The same thing he and Hunk did for me after we lost Allura. I got him so drunk, the next day he realized there was actually a worse feeling than a broken heart.”

Shiro wanted to laugh, but his smile turned into more of a grimace. The truth of Lance’s statement tore through him, and he hated that he had been the one who caused Keith to suffer that way. “I’m glad he has you.”

“I love you guys,” said Lance. Any trace of his previous anger had vanished completely. “I want you _both_ to be happy. If that could be with each other — _great_. I just can’t stand by and watch either of you get hurt in the process.”

“You’re a good man, Lance,” Shiro said honestly. He was proud of all the paladins, of course, but Lance had changed the most in some ways and grown to become someone Shiro really respected.

A blush bloomed around the Altean marks on Lance’s cheeks. “You don’t have to sweet-talk me, Shiro. I already gave you my blessing. Just be careful with our boy.”

“I will,” Shiro promised.

One thing that everyone had been making clear to him over the last few months was the damage he had caused to his best friend in the past. Keith had hidden it, forgiven him to maintain their friendship, and never let on to Shiro just how deeply the cut went.

Shiro was determined not to make the same mistake again. He wanted _more_ with Keith — wanted the relationship they should have had a long time ago — but most of all, he wanted Keith to be happy.

He could only hope he’d be given the chance to spend the rest of his life making that happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the back story to what Lance is referring to here, I HIGHLY suggest you read [It’ll Be Alright](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18432128). It gives insight into Keith’s POV in this story, and explains a lot of where Lance’s anger and concern is coming from.
> 
> Don't forget to hit the kudos button and leave a comment! I love hearing what you think!


	13. Visitors From Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith finally makes it back to Earth for a visit, and the gang is all back together for an evening of fun. Shiro continues to struggle with his feelings - and whether or not he should tell Keith how he really feels.
>
>> _I just want you,_ he thought, closing his eyes and swallowing the words to keep Keith from seeing the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, apologies on how long it's taken me to get this chapter out!! I'm so sorry for the long wait -- I've been working on other things, and I get easily distracted by new ideas that crop up. Plus, this fic is very "heavy", so I have to be in the right frame of mind to work on it, and that was difficult during the month of August which is always very busy and stressful.
> 
> This chapter is a lot longer than normal, so I hope that helps make up for the wait. Thanks to Brian for reminding me to get it in gear and get back to this fic! I definitely need a push once in a while :)
> 
> And thanks to DropsOfAutumn for being the most awesome beta in the universe!!

 

“You seem to be in a particularly good mood this morning,” Dr. Bazal commented with a sly grin. “I rarely see you come into my office with a smile, Mr. Shirogane.”

Shiro couldn’t keep his grin from widening. “Keith is coming today.”

“Ahhh,” the therapist acknowledged. “And you are excited, I presume?”

“Yes,” Shiro admitted, barely able to contain his energy and fidgeting with his hands in his lap. “I can’t wait to see him.”

“How long will he be staying?” she asked.

“About a week,” Shiro said, leaning his broad shoulders against the cushioned back of the chair.

“Do you have any activities planned for his visit?”

“Nothing major,” Shiro replied. “We’ll go out to dinner tonight — the other paladins all decided to drop into the area while Keith is here so they can see him, too. I know he’s got a few things to do for work while he’s on planet, and I still have to teach while he’s here. But it will be nice to just spend some time together.”

“You seem a little anxious,” Dr. Bazal noted, eyes narrowed just slightly as her gaze was drawn to his bouncing knee and the hand worrying at the fabric of his pants. “Any particular reason?”

Shiro swallowed, looking away from her critical gaze. “I think… I think I want to tell him how I feel. While he’s here.”

“And you believe that’s a good idea?” Dr. Bazal asked, her tone disguising any opinion on the matter.

“Do you think it’s not?” Shiro quickly responded. This woman knew him almost better than anyone else at this point. If she considered it a bad idea for him to pursue Keith right now, he might need to rethink his plan of action.

“I didn’t say that,” his doctor replied. “I simply asked what _you_ think.”

Shiro paused for a moment, considering. “I think I should tell him how I feel. I know it might be better if I waited until I’m fixed, but I’m worried about waiting too long. I feel like we’ve already wasted enough time, and that’s my fault.”

“First, let me be clear, I believe you should do what makes you comfortable,” Dr. Bazal said, her body shifting forward slightly in her seat. “But I’m concerned about your use of the word _fixed_ . Your mental state is not an engine that can be rewired or mechanically repaired, Mr. Shirogane. Your _self_ is a work in progress — ”

“I know that,” interrupted Shiro.

“Do you?” she asked. “The term _fixed_ implies you are broken. Is that how you see yourself?”

“I…” Shiro stumbled, trying to find the words. “There are things about myself that I _know_ I still need to improve. I’ve been learning to recognize my own behaviors and thought process, but I wouldn’t say I’m where I want to be with that yet.”

“That’s good,” Dr. Bazal said. “Recognition is the first step. Personal growth is a process, and self-actualization is a wonderful goal but rarely achieved. In this case, I would suggest you focus on the journey. Is there something specific you’ve been ruminating about?”

“I’m worried about what we discussed before — my tendency to focus on the external,” he explained, reaching into his pocket to pull out the list she’d asked him to complete. He passed it over to her with a tentative hand.

“Knowledgeable, physically strong, self centered, people pleaser,” his doctor read off from his list. “I see you have ‘leader’ crossed out, but you’ve added your leadership qualities — reliable, caring, helpful. Those are also characteristics of a teacher and friend, which you’ve also crossed out. I’m glad to see you’ve figured out the difference between a label and a trait.”

“I’m working on recognizing who I am and who I want to be,” Shiro confided.

Dr. Bazal gave him a soft smile. “An admirable task.”

“If things work out with Keith, I can’t imagine any issues, but I’m afraid of falling into old patterns,” he admitted as his eyes shifted away, staring off at the wall.

“How so?”

“I’m bad at relationships,” Shiro stated in a monotone. “I get that. But I don’t want to be. So I’ve been thinking a lot about my past. With Curtis, it was so important for me to be who _he_ wanted me to be, to be what he expected from the Captain of the Atlas, former Black Paladin of Voltron, high ranking Garrison officer. But why didn’t I have those issues with Adam?”

“Well, for one reason you’d experienced much more trauma before meeting your ex-husband. That tends to have a negative impact on our mental processes,” Dr. Bazal explained. “You’d also gone through a great deal of time trying to live up to the expectations others placed on you. In essence, your childhood set a foundation for your thinking — but your experiences solidified it.”

Shiro sat in silence for a moment, processing the information.

“Is there another reason? Why things were different with Adam?”

“You stated your relationship with Adam began gradually — as friends?” She questioned. Shiro nodded in the affirmative. “That also may explain the difference. Your relationship building slowly allowed a trust to develop between you, allowing you to be yourself without a need to ‘please’ him for fear of rejection.”

“Huh.” Shiro thought about Adam, about the beginning of their relationship. Picturing his witty smile was still bittersweet. There would always be a piece of him that missed his first love, gone well before his time.

Even with Adam, at first he’d tried to conform and be the person he thought Adam wanted. He’d tried to be accommodating, to acquiesce to whatever activities the other man wanted to do, letting him choose what they ate or where they went together. But Adam had never really allowed it. Instead, he recognized when Shiro was allowing him to make most of the decisions and had often forced him to share his opinions and preferences.

Curtis was not like that at all; he’d been more than happy to let Shiro concede most decisions. Where they lived, what they ate for dinner, the furniture they’d bought for the apartment — it had all been chosen by Curtis, in an effort to make him happy. Shiro didn’t really care about those things, after all, so he’d seen no harm in allowing his husband to build the life he wanted. Shiro had just been happy to be allowed to share it with him. 

He was beginning to see where, perhaps, they had never been on an equal footing to start with.

He caught himself considering what it might be like to be with Keith, a dream he rarely allowed himself. He knew how Keith tended to act when it came to the give and take of their relationship — and he wasn’t like either Adam or Curtis.

Keith was actually more like Shiro.

Keith was the one to give in to Shiro’s whims, to his wants, to let him have his way. Rarely arguing, Keith gave of himself for Shiro — over and over again.

And Shiro had always let him.

The dynamic of their relationship, Shiro realized with dismay, was that Keith was the giver —  and Shiro was the taker.

“You seem deep in thought. What’s on your mind right now?” Dr. Bazal asked, interrupting his internal musings.

“Just that, with Keith, he’s always the one to give in,” Shiro explained. He paused to gather his thoughts. “He’s always been the one worried about making sure I was safe. And happy. That’s not the way it should be if we’re going to have a future, is it?”

Dr. Bazal gazed at him with gentle eyes. “You’re correct. Strong relationships require a balance. One person’s happiness should not outweigh the other. But you have been friends for a long time — it’s unlikely your relationship would have lasted if there weren’t at least some balance to it.”

“I’m not really sure what I bring to the table for him, to be honest,” Shiro admitted.

Keith was always there for him. He made time to talk to him whenever Shiro called — hell, he was coming to Earth to visit because Shiro had asked him. What did he provide for Keith in return?

“Remember that life is not black and white, Mr. Shirogane,” Dr. Bazal said. “I can see you doubting yourself. Your friend is coming to visit soon. Why don’t you ask him yourself?”

“What?” Shiro scoffed. “Ask him why he still bothers to put up with me?”

“Yes,” she said simply. “I think it would be good information for you to hear, coming from someone who has been with you the longest and knows you so well.”

_Maybe_ _it wasn’t a bad idea,_ Shiro thought. At the very least, it might give him some insight into whether Keith still thought of him as anything other than a friend.

But the discussion with his therapist made him wonder: Was he really the best option for Keith?

All this time he had been so focused on his own failure, the potential future he had lost. Was he even capable of making Keith happy?

His doctor was right. It was a question only Keith could answer, and his response determined the path Shiro would take from there.

 

*****

_Just landed_

The message dinged on his data pad, left audible for precisely this reason, and Shiro jolted at the sound. His stomach erupted in nervous excitement, which he tried desperately to contain while in current company.

“Cadets, we’re dismissing a little early today,” Shiro said with a smile he couldn’t suppress if he tried. “You’ve got your assignments to complete before our next class. Dismissed.”

The students looked around at each other and at him in surprise. Classes _never_ let out early. They seemed at a loss for what to do.

Shiro, however, had neither the patience nor the time for their lack of movement. “I said dismissed, cadets!” he said more firmly.

“Wow, he must have a hot date or something,” Shiro heard one of the cadets in the front row mutter to another as they stood to make their way out of the room. It was on the tip of his tongue to discipline her, but that would mean holding her behind, and wasting a few more minutes he could be spending with someone much more important.

Besides, from a certain point of view, the cadet wasn’t entirely wrong.

The second the cadets exited the room, Shiro was right behind them, sprinting in the other direction. Only slowing down to a power walk through the administrative hall, he quickly waved off anyone that tried to stop him to chat. He was a man on a mission and would not be deterred.

Picking up speed as he neared the airfield, he turned a sharp corner toward the hangar assigned for Keith’s plane during his visit – and nearly ran over a man with, thankfully, incredible reflexes.

Strong hands caught Shiro by the arms as he stumbled, struggling to stop his momentum.

“Woah, there, big guy,” the raven-haired man said, looking up at him with a smile. “You don’t have to run.”

In his flustered state, it took Shiro a half second to realize who’d caught him. 

“Keith!” he cried, not even bothered by the fact that it sounded similar to the breathless squeal of a pubescent fangirl.

“Eager to see me?” Keith asked with a laugh as Shiro pulled him in for a tight hug.

Enveloped in Keith’s familiar, comforting scent, Shiro resisted the urge to bury his face in the soft dark hair that brushed against his temple. 

“Yes,” Shiro answered with a sigh, caught up in the feel of his friend’s firm shoulders wrapped in his arms. “Of course.”

Reminding himself not to make things awkward, no matter how much he’d rather never let go, Shiro loosened his grip and stepped back, keeping a hand on Keith’s shoulder.

Keith gave him a soft look, the same bright eyes and crooked smile that used to be just for him. Shiro melted under his gaze. 

“I got here early and thought I’d come find you. Didn’t you say you had a class this afternoon?” Keith said, one dark brow arched in question.

“Yeah,” Shiro said, dropping his hand to his side. “I let them go early when I got your message.”

Keith’s look shifted to mock surprise. 

“Early dismissal? Wow! I _must_ be special!” He laughed and pushed at Shiro’s shoulder playfully, purple-grey eyes shining with mirth.

“They thought I had a hot date,” Shiro chuckled, eyes still glued to Keith, taking in every gorgeous inch of his face. “I guess they were sort of right.”

Keith sputtered. “Pffftt. How do you figure that?”

“Well, we did arrange to meet up,” Shiro said with a grin. He blamed his overexcitement and the adrenaline coursing through his body for the failure of his brain-to-mouth filter when he continued, “And you _are_ hot.”

His friend’s expression betrayed how much the response threw him off, and Keith responded with a forced laugh, “Wow, Shiro. You must be really hard up if you think _I’m_ attractive.”

“Please,” Shiro scoffed, his tone completely honest. “I’m just not _blind_.” 

He couldn’t help his eyes darting away in embarrassment. He was pushing, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop, as if being aware of his feelings had cut the brakes he would have usually used in these situations.

Grasping for a way to get things back on track before he ended up confessing his love in the middle of a Garrison hangar within the first five minutes of Keith’s arrival, Shiro asked, “Do you have a bag or anything you need to grab?”

Keith reached down to his feet, picking up a satchel that had gone unnoticed before. Shiro realized he must have dropped it when they ran into each other. “I’m good. Lead the way.”

After making a quick stop by his office to grab a few things and ensure everything was in order, Shiro shuttled Keith as quickly as possible to his vehicle. He was waylaid in the task multiple times, as various Garrison staff and visitors recognized the Black Paladin and wanted to say hello. The more their exit from the compound was slowed down, the more agitated Shiro became, but Keith seemed to find the attention humorous.

“It’s funny how the same group of people who couldn’t wait to get rid of me when I was younger all want to welcome me ‘home’ when I come back,” Keith said, his sarcasm biting.

“Can you blame them?” Shiro chuckled as they finally got into his jeep. “ ‘Local boy saves the universe’. It’s your classic headline, right?”

Keith laughed as Shiro fired up the engine and pulled out of the lot. But something about his words left a lingering tingle in Shiro’s mind. “You say _home_ like it’s not,” he commented, his voice tentative, unsure whether it was a statement or a question.

Keith hummed in response, his gaze still fixed on the red-brown dust rolling past them. “I guess it’s not.”

“Really? Earth isn’t home to you anymore?”

“No, not really,” Keith answered, his tone passive. “I’m not here very often. Mom’s not here. It’s not like I have a lot of fond memories of my childhood. There’s not much here for me on Earth anymore.”

The words stung, like the nick of a blade that barely missed its intended target. Shiro must have done a horrible job at schooling his reaction because Keith quickly continued, “I mean, you’re here. Obviously. And Pidge. But Lance spends half his time on New Altea, and Hunk is all over the place. Family is kind of spread out, you know?”

Shiro nodded, finding no argument with that assessment. He had a few more people in his life he’d come to count on in his daily life, the Holts and a few friends on the base, but yes — most of his family was elsewhere. Once again, Shiro was hit by the fact that he thought of Keith as the most important family he had. Yet he wondered where he ranked nowadays on his best friend’s list.

“So, where is _home_ for you now?” Shiro couldn’t help but ask, curious about where Keith felt most connected in the universe.

His friend paused a moment, then gave a short laugh as he responded, “Space, I guess.”

Shiro let out his breath in a huff, hoping it sounded like humor and not the relief rushing through him. “Sounds about right.”

They were saved any further discussion as they arrived at his apartment, with the distraction of getting inside and showing Keith around. It wasn’t long before his roommate ventured out of hiding to investigate their visitor.

“Who’s this little guy?” Keith asked, leaning down to rub at the soft fur on top of Kuro’s head. The cat sniffed at Keith’s wrist, his pink nose twitching with interest. As Keith stood up the cat let out a loud meow and started winding around his leg, rubbing against the fabric of his pants to get more attention.

“Wow! He likes you!” Shiro exclaimed in surprise, smiling down at his furry companion. “His name’s Kuro. He usually doesn’t like anyone. When Matt came over a while back, Kuro took a swipe at him. Come to think of it, Matt hasn’t been back to visit since. I think this little terror scared him off.”

“Aww, you’re not so bad, are you?” Keith said as he reached down to pick up the black cat and snuggle him against his chest. “Matt just doesn’t know how to respect your authority, does he?”

Kuro reached a paw up to bat at the long strands of Keith’s dark hair, coming loose from where he’d tied it back and now falling down over his shoulder. Shiro noticed the cat’s fur was similar in color to Keith’s hair, just a shade or two darker. The cat’s eyes had a yellow sheen from the lighting, glowing up at Keith as they stared at each other.

“He _has_ pretty much taken over the place,” Shiro commented. “He’s taken to napping on top of me when he gets the chance.”

Keith laughed. “Better this little guy than what I have to deal with — a hundred pounds of space wolf on top of you is no joke. I’m kind of glad Kosmo stays with my mom most of the time. I miss him, but he’s a handful.”

“I can’t believe you finally started calling him by his name,” Shiro smirked.

“He seems to like it,” Keith replied with a shrug and moved over to sit on the couch, cat still in hand. “So, where did you get him?”

“He just kind of wandered into the Garrison,” Shiro answered, his body moving automatically to sit next to Keith, like a satellite caught in orbit. “The cadets that found him didn’t know what to do with him, so I took him in.”

“You just can’t help picking up strays, can you, Shirogane?” Keith said with a soft smile, violet eyes looking over at Shiro from under thick, dark lashes, his hand delving into the cat’s soft fur.

Shiro’s breath caught in his throat, struck by the vision of Keith and the little cat, and the domesticity of it all. They made an adorable picture, his two dark-haired favorites, brightening up his dull apartment with warmth. His heart gave a little flutter of joy, and he swallowed it down, struggling for some composure around the possessive feeling suddenly bubbling up inside of him.

Smiling back, Shiro replied, “It’s never steered me wrong before.”

As if sensing Shiro’s emotional turmoil, Kuro wormed his way out of Keith’s hold, padding over a few steps to climb in Shiro’s lap and headbutt his breastbone. Shiro’s left hand quickly reached up to pet him in thanks. 

If only he’d been smart enough years ago to keep Keith as close to him as the little cat, now safe and warm in his arms.

 

*****

Shiro had hoped he would be able to spend Keith’s first evening back on Earth alone with him, but the universe had other plans. Or more precisely, the other Paladins did. 

Having heard Keith would be making a trip to see Shiro, the others had all decided to arrange their schedules for a quick visit as well.

Pidge had cleared her schedule for the evening and Hunk had come back to spend a few days with Lance at his farm. In the years since the war, Hunk had built a successful business involving kitchen design and appliance invention, melding his skills in both engineering and cooking to help feed the Coalition planets more efficiently. He’d even brought Shiro one of his latest gadgets, the _Pastalator_ _,_ that could create a number of different pasta dishes using a reformulated food goo and flavor packets that were inserted into the appliance. The user could even determine the shape of the pasta from what seemed like an endless number of options.

Before they’d left to meet for dinner, Hunk had stopped by with the surprise, obviously not believing Shiro capable of working it on his own straight out of the box. Given the number of buttons and options, it was probably a safe assumption. They found a space on the counter to put the machine, and after Hunk thoroughly demonstrated how to work it, Shiro couldn’t help but gush at how delicious the mac and cheese was. The former Yellow Paladin had blushed at the praise while Keith had stolen the bowl from Shiro’s hands to try it for himself.

Shiro could have done without the loud moan his best friend let out at his obvious enjoyment of the food. It was sure to haunt his dreams – in a wonderfully wrong way.

He refocused by making a mental note to restrict his use of the device, if only to prevent the need to add more workouts to his weekly schedule. Too much of the decadent food combined with a job which often required sitting and grading papers would not be a good combination for his waistline.

He wondered if he should suggest Hunk develop a similar machine that produced salads.

Hunk and Keith rode with Shiro to the restaurant, since Lance had gone ahead to make sure they could get a table large enough for their whole group.

Once everyone had arrived, hugs and greetings exchanged, they settled into a corner booth. The restaurant was a popular spot on the opposite side of the city from the Garrison, where a friend of Hunk’s was the head chef. The only person missing was Coran, who had too many responsibilities on Altea at the moment to get away. According to Lance, there was some type of yearly celebration going on that was too important for him to miss.

Conversation circled around what everyone had been up to recently, focusing on the work and inventions of Pidge and Hunk, Lance’s family, and Shiro’s students. The paladins gave Keith a hard time about his inability to settle down in one place for very long, but enjoyed being regaled with stories of his ongoing adventures. After the food was delivered, however, the topic took a decided shift in a different direction.

“So…” Hunk said, looking at Shiro a little awkwardly. “How are you doing with… everything?”

“Everything… what?” Shiro asked. He took a bite of his chicken, returning Hunk’s concerned gaze with a puzzled one of his own. “Do you mean with teaching?”

“No… Well, yeah… Maybe?” Hunk replied, looking around the table for help.

“He means with the divorce,” Pidge piped in, perfectly nonchalant, as she reached across the table for the ketchup bottle.

“Oh,” Shiro responded in surprise. It really hadn’t occurred to him to think about it much lately, except within the context of learning from his mistakes in therapy. “I’m fine.”

“Really?” Keith asked, the soft look of concern he always wore when Shiro was bothered about something clearly displayed on his face.

“Yeah,” Shiro replied. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Why wouldn’t…” Lance echoed with disbelief. “Do you even know what day it is?”

“Of course,” Shiro answered, but seeing the questioning, confused stares come at him from all directions made him glance at his watch to check. Even then, it took a few seconds for him to realize _why_ his friends were so concerned. “Oh. I hadn’t even realized… “

“Seriously?” Lance asked incredulously. “How do you not remember your anniversary?”

“Well, in fairness, I only had ONE,” Shiro’s voice bit with a hint of anger, as he answered with a frown.

“Oh, snap!” Pidge laughed, trying to break the sudden tension. “He’s got a point!”

“Sorry, man.” Lance leaned over to give Shiro a firm pat on the shoulder. “But didn’t you think it was weird we all just showed up here on the same day?”

Shiro just blinked. “I thought you guys came to see Keith!”

“We did,” Hunk quickly reassured, shooting a glance at his former team leader.

“I asked them to come,” Keith’s voice was calm but certain when he spoke. “I thought maybe you’d need some friends around to provide a distraction today.”

Shiro could only stare at his best friend in shock. “Is that why you chose this week to come visit?”

Keith shrugged in response.

_“Keith.”_ The name left Shiro’s lips in a breathe, overwhelmed at how much his friends so obviously cared for him. He tore his gaze away from his best friend to meet the eyes of the other paladins. “Guys, thank you. Really. But I’m fine.”

Although he couldn’t understand their reasoning, Shiro was grateful they all loved him enough to look out for him like that. He hoped he could be as good at being a friend to them as they all were to him.

“Well, I’m glad,” Hunk said with a smile. “It’s great you’re not letting it get you down.”

“It’s pretty easy to let something go when it was never the right move to begin with,” Shiro explained, using his fork to fidget with the remains of the meal on his plate. “Somebody tried to help me, before the wedding. Tried to get me to see what I was doing.” His eyes shifted to Keith’s, meeting his purple gaze. “I should have listened.”

The table hushed as Keith stared at Shiro for a moment, inscrutable expression giving nothing away.

“Everybody sitting here knows exactly how stubborn you are, Shiro,” Keith sighed. “It’s not like you can be talked out of anything once you’ve set your mind to it.”

He certainly wasn’t wrong, but it didn’t mean Shiro hadn’t been forced to realize over the last year just how fallible his thinking sometimes was.

Pidge let out a soft chuckle. “He’s got you there, Shiro.”

Shiro shrugged and gave a short, nervous cough. “Enough about my disaster of a personal life. How’s everybody else doing?”

“I didn’t realize you’d taken up fishing,” Lance muttered at his side, giving him a sharp side-eyed glare.

“You already know I don’t have anything exciting going on,” Pidge said, her voice carrying over Lance’s snarking. “But I’m not really one for long-term things.”

“You’re not really much for anything, are you, Pidge?” Lance scoffed with a knowing look.

Keith laughed. “More of a love ‘em and leave ‘em routine, I think.”

“What?!” Lance squawked, staring at Pidge as though she’d grown a second head. “You… What?”

“I’m a grown woman, Lance,” Pidge explained, looking at him snidely over the top of her glasses. “I have… _interests_.”

“No, you don’t,” Lance retorted.

“Well, not with _you_ ,” Pidge smirked.

Lance gave her an affronted look, eyes widening comically. “I would hope not!”

“Liar,” Hunk coughed, hiding a smile behind his hand.

“S’not my fault you only like girls!” Lance argued, as if such a statement could save his masculine pride.

Shiro looked on as Keith’s grin widened, crossing his arms and leaning back to enjoy the show he must have known was coming.

“I’ll have you know,” Pidge said, leaning aggressively over the table toward Lance, “I’m not really limited by what a person looks like on the outside. Brains and personality matter. Not all of,” she waved her hand up and down in a dismissive air toward Lance, “ _that_.”

Lance grinned like the cheshire cat. “So you _do_ find me attractive.”

_It’s like watching a mating dance on an alien planet,_ thought Shiro. He caught Keith’s eye, holding a silent conversation consisting of an unspoken ‘What the hell?’ and receiving a shrug in response.

“Not to interrupt whatever… this… is,” Shiro said, attempting to hide how disturbed he was at the prospect of anything remotely romantic between Lance and Pidge. He turned his gaze to Hunk. “But how is Shay?”

“She’s good,” Hunk answered, his familiar soft smile like a balm on Shiro’s heart.

_This is nice,_ he thought as Hunk dove into a story about a trip the couple had taken recently. Hunk’s genuine warmth, Lance and Pidge with their bold personalities, Keith’s quiet companionship. He’d missed this, so much.

A piece of him wished he could keep them all close by, all the time. For as horrible as their time had been as paladins, Shiro’s time living in the Castle with this rag-tag group, along with Allura and Coran, had given him a sense of family he’d never known.

Back then he’d recognized they’d all looked up to him, designating him as their leader, and after a while even joked he was their “Space Dad”. Yet Shiro had only ever viewed them as the siblings he’d never had. They were all younger than Keith, who — for a few years before his ill-fated trip to space — he had taken under his wing, like a little brother. Although once Voltron had entered the picture, Keith had quickly grown into an equal in his mind. But it had been easy to carry over the big brother role to the others as well, to be who they needed him to be.

_Oh God, I was doing it even then!_ he suddenly realized as he sat surrounded by his friends. Was there ever a time when he didn’t twist himself to become what everyone wanted?

The awareness jolted through him with a shock.

His clone hadn’t.

Perhaps not entirely by choice, but the clone hadn’t been as willing to conform to the others’ wants. He wasn’t as emotionally connected, wasn’t programmed with the baggage Shiro himself had carried. He’d made Keith lead, even when no one else wanted it.

Distracted by his inner musings, it took him a while to notice Keith’s quizzical look, asking if he was ok without saying a word. Shiro shook him off with a nod of his head, hoping Keith could still read him well enough to know it was a discussion for later.

Snapping out of his own maudlin thoughts, Shiro caught the tail end of the story Lance had been entertaining the others with.

“And then she said, ‘I’ve never dated a space cadet before’!” Lance exclaimed loudly, dropping his mug onto the counter with a thump.

Pidge was laughing hysterically, rolling in her seat and bumping into Hunk’s side with complete disregard. Shiro couldn’t help but smile at the sheer joy on the others’ faces, even though he didn’t quite understand what was going on.

“So you’re saying dating is going well then,” Keith commented dryly before taking a long gulp of his drink.

“Yeah, sure,” replied Lance, sarcasm smooth as syrup, “if by ‘well’ you mean a complete holy nightmare. I swear, I don’t know why my mother keeps setting me up with these chicks…”

“Because she wants you to be happy,” Pidge said, pointing a fry in his face. “And she thinks finding someone and getting married will make that happen. My mom’s the same way.”

Shiro had just opened his mouth to respond that he could affirm getting married was not necessarily a magic fix-all, when he noticed an exchange of silent communication between Lance, Hunk, and Keith. The latter narrowed his eyes at Lance and said in a voice much more gentle than Shiro expected, “Maybe you just have your sights set too high, Lance. No one is ever going to live up to her, you know.”

Lance puffed up with false indignation before deflating under Keith’s steady gaze. “It’s not that easy to move on, you know?”

“I _do_ know,” Keith answered. Shiro glances at Pidge and Hunk, wondering if they felt the way he did, as if they were only hearing half of the conversation.

“Yeah, well maybe you give up too easily,” Lance said, one eyebrow raised in challenge.

Keith’s brows came together in confusion, but before he could respond, Pidge intercepted. “Boys, boys. Enough with your petty disagreement. Who wants to get us some shots?”

Lance jumped out of his chair like his body was rocketing into space. “I got ya, Pidge!” He shot her a grin before booting toward the small bar in the corner. 

The drinks he returned with only made the group more free-spirited, although Shiro cut himself off at just one — he had to drive back to the apartment, and _someone_ needed to make sure everyone else got home safely.

Old habits really _did_ die hard, Shiro mused. Keith also seemed to avoid overdoing it, apparently content to follow Shiro’s lead in sitting back and watching the other three torment each other.

It was still a good time — talking, laughing, enjoying everyone’s company. But in no time the gathering started to break up, with Pidge checking the time and sadly declaring she needed to get up for work the next day, and Hunk admitting he had an early departure in the morning to make his scheduled teleduv. Lance left as well, sharing a lift to Pidge’s apartment where he and Hunk were staying for the night.

Once everyone else had taken off, he was left alone with Keith and a table full of empty glasses. The crowd surrounding them earlier in the evening had thinned out as well, and only a few other people remained scattered at tables around the room. Softer music played in the background as the business started to wind down for the night.

Shiro ruminated on the wondering that had been buzzing around the back of his mind all evening. It seemed as good a time as any to approach it, but he stalled, a little apprehensive of his friend’s reaction.

“Can I ask you a question?” Shiro asked, after they had taken a few minutes to sit in silence with their drinks and decompress. “Why do you put up with me?”

“What?” Keith replied, his eyes jerking up to meet Shiro’s, disconcerted by the question.

“My therapist told me I should ask you,” Shiro explained with a shrug. “We’ve been talking about… self-worth, I guess. I just… I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you — your friendship.”

“Shiro,” said Keith softly, placing a hand on the back of his wrist. “You’ve always been there for me, even when I didn’t always want you to. Of course, I’m going to do the same for you.”

Shiro’s heart felt heavy.

He wanted so badly to flip his hand over, to slide it into Keith’s and not let go. His gaze locked on the bright eyes that so often haunted his dreams, like two color-shifting nebulas holding nothing but strength and intelligence behind them. No one else in the universe had eyes like that.

“Thank you,” Shiro replied, looking away. It was too much. _Keith_ had gotten to be too much. He was so attractive, it was hard to even look at him for an extended length of time, yet it was almost painful to look away. Keith’s presence provided a sense of comfort — a _rightness_ —  that he never felt with anyone else. Everything he did pulled at Shiro’s heart, making him feel safe and loved.

How had he been such an incredible moron to not recognize it sooner?

“Anytime,” Keith said, his mouth curving into the crooked smile Shiro loved. He pulled his hand away, shifting back into a comfortable position against the booth.

He had to tell him. 

Suddenly, it felt as if all the words Shiro was dying to say had built up in his lungs, the pressure making him feel as if his heart might explode if he didn’t let them out.

“Keith, I…” he started. “There’s something I wanted to tell you — ”

A buzzing sound interrupted him, and his face fell as Keith pulled a small comm out of his pocket and checked the caller.

“Sorry, but I’d better take this,” he apologized. “Hey, babe,” Keith greeted, gifting the caller with a relaxed smile. He looked away for just a moment, mouthing to Shiro ‘I’ll be right back’ as he started to slide out of the booth. Shiro heard Daigo’s voice on the comm asking a question he couldn’t quite make out. “No, I’m just hanging out with Shiro…"

Keith left the table, headed for the hallway where it was probably a little quieter and easier to hear. Watching him walk away, having it thrown in his face that the boyfriend was a priority over himself, made Shiro’s stomach churn with jealousy. There had been no chance to talk about it, but obviously Daigo was still in the picture.

A sharp pain pierced through his chest as he realized the futility of his situation. 

Lance was right — bold declarations were a bad idea. It wasn’t fair to put Keith in that kind of position, and from where he was sitting, Shiro couldn’t be confident he would be the one to ‘win’ the fair Blade’s hand.

They were friends — had only ever been friends — and any feelings Keith may have had for him outside of that regard had long since passed.

It wasn’t long before Keith was back, with a wistful smile and a slight blush on his face that made Shiro want to both cry and throttle something in equal measure. He hated that someone else could make Keith so happy, and he felt guilty for hating it. The cycle of self-flagellation spun in his head with no way of stopping it.

“Sorry,” Keith said with an apologetic smile as he settled back into his seat. “I was supposed to let him know when I got here, and I got distracted and forgot. He worries.”

“Of course he does,” Shiro acknowledged. Keith was precious — at least Daigo was smart enough to recognize that.

“You said you had something you wanted to tell me?” Keith asked, curiosity plain on his face. “What’s up?”

“No, no,” Shiro said quickly. “It’s nothing.”

His eyes darted away from Keith’s critical look. “You sure?”

“Yeah. It’s nothing,” Shiro assured him before shifting to the easiest, though least enjoyable, topic. “How’s the boyfriend?”

Keith lifted an eyebrow. “ _Daigo_ is fine.”

“Good. Good,” Shiro replied, careful to keep his voice neutral. He took a breath to steady himself. “You’re happy.”

He wasn’t sure if it was a question or a statement. Shiro could see with his own two eyes how well Keith was doing. He’d seen them together not long ago, and though it stabbed at a piece of his heart, he wasn’t blind to the state of things.

“Yeah,” Keith answered, though his eyes narrowed with suspicion. “What, does divorce just make you anti-everyone’s relationships or something?”

_Just yours_ , Shiro thought sardonically.

“It’s just hard,” he admitted aloud. Shiro wasn’t used to keeping things from Keith and having him here, in person, only made it more difficult to hide his feelings.

“Hey,” Keith said, leaning across the table, his hand sliding forward on the flat surface but not reaching out to touch him. “Just because your marriage didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. You’ll find someone else.”

“I don’t want anyone else,” Shiro admitted before he could stop himself.

Once, when he was young, he’d walked across a rope bridge that hung over a wide creek near a friend’s house. The conversation was beginning to feel similar — wobbly, unstable, like at any moment he could lose his footing and slip into dangerous territory.

_I just want you,_ he thought, closing his eyes and swallowing the words to keep Keith from seeing the truth.

A weight settled next to him on the bench making the seat sink a bit, and strong arms wrapped around him tightly as a whisper came through gravel, “Shiro.”

After spending years watching Shiro for any hint of pain or emotional trauma, his best friend could read him better than anyone else in the universe. He had no idea how he was going to make it through the rest of Keith’s visit with the constant, pulsing urge to rip out his heart, lay it at Keith’s feet, and beg forgiveness.

If he somehow managed to make it through the rest of the week without making a fool of himself, it would be a goddamn miracle.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you think? Were you thinking/hoping Keith's boyfriend was out of the picture? [You should have known I'd never make it that easy! :D ]
> 
> Feel free to come find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/geek_life13) if you want.


	14. Crashing Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith’s visit with Shiro doesn’t quite go according to plan...
>
>>   
> “Did you give Daigo an answer?” Shiro questioned, a quiet breath escaping him. “Are you going to marry him?”
>> 
>> It was the only thing Shiro could focus on in that moment. He had to know.   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my awesome beta, DropsofAutumn for feedback on this one.
> 
> I feel like I should maybe put a tear-jerker disclaimer at the beginning of this one. I tend to be a crier, and I always hate when I’m reading a chapter and I wasn’t mentally prepared for it — and then I’m sitting at work on my lunch break trying not to awkwardly bawl over fanfiction in front of my co-workers :D 
> 
> So fair warning…

 

One week. Seven Earth days. 

That’s all the time Shiro had with Keith before he’s gone, for who knows how long until they’ll see each other in person again. And four of those days had already sped by much too quickly.

Determined to spend as much time as possible with him, Shiro had rearranged a few of his classes and called in favors to have some of his responsibilities covered. But the format and expectations of any military installment — which the Garrison definitely still was — meant duty always came first. If Shiro hadn’t quit and resigned his assignment years ago, he may have held enough rank to get the week off.

As a lowly instructor, he was forced to make due with what he could get.

Keith wasn’t bothered at all by his schedule, since it was more of a working vacation for him, and he had responsibilities to attend to during his visit to Earth. As a favor to Krolia, he was taking a few meetings with the Coalition and high ranking Earth officials in regard to the continued coordination between the Blades, Coalition, and Garrison. The discussions were something Keith was privy to, given his rank as a senior Blade and the former Black Paladin, and it saved her the trouble of making the trip. 

From what Keith was able to share with Shiro, the meetings mostly involved technological updates needed to ensure communications were still clear and secure. Pidge hadn’t mentioned anything during their Monsters & Mana game the previous week, but Shiro would be surprised if the youngest Holt wasn’t present at many of the same meetings.

Even though a few years had passed, and Shiro had watched Keith grow into his own, it was still amazing to realize the hotheaded spitfire Shiro had once convinced to join the Garrison was the same man now calmly able to maneuver the verbal minefield of a diplomatic meeting.

He always knew Keith would be great — but he had far surpassed anything Shiro could have envisioned.

And Shiro was so damn proud of him.

As he stood in the kitchen waiting for his coffee to finish prepping, Shiro tamped down the idea that this was a nice way to spend the morning, with both of them preparing for their day before heading off to their respective responsibilities. 

It was an experience he’d never really had with Curtis. Years of being an early riser meant that, even in retirement, Shiro still got up very early. He had been up and out the door and on a run or on his way to the gym before his husband ever made it out of bed. By the time he got back, Curtis was long gone to work.

Instead, the mornings during Keith’s visit reminded him of many years ago, and his time with Adam. The two of them would wake up together, shuffling around each other or taking turns in the bathroom, just as he and Keith did that morning. It was boring and domestic, but a nice way to begin the day.

Shiro couldn’t hide his smile as he watched Keith in the living room, straightening his sash and adjusting the pins and accessories expected to be on display for his diplomatic role.

“What?” Keith asked, as he looked up and caught Shiro staring.

He paused before answering. “You’re just… always amazing me.”

A light blush suffused his friend’s face, and he ducked his head with the pretense of fiddling with a button. “I think you’re too easily impressed,” his deep voice grumbled, but Shiro knew him well enough to detect his embarrassment.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Shiro argued, spooning a sweetening powder into his mug before attaching the lid.

“I’m just doing what needs to be done, Shiro,” Keith said, picking up his comm and a data pad to take along to his morning meeting. “Like we always have. It’s not like I’m anything special.”

Very aware taking that particular bait would only lead to a pointless argument which it was much too early for, Shiro responded instead with blunt honesty.

“You know, I always wanted you to best me, in whatever way possible,” Shiro said seriously, his voice unintentionally wistful. “And I knew you would. When we first met, I didn’t think I’d be around to witness all of your potential. Sometimes I wish we didn’t have to take the path we did to get here — to go through all the things we experienced. But you came out of it a great leader, Keith. I’m just glad I get to see it.”

Shiro watched as a few different emotions flashed across Keith’s face. He seemed to settle on concern, unsurprising since most of their friends joked about that being Keith’s default state in regard to anything related to Shiro.

Keith’s gaze focused on him intently, all other matters set aside for the moment. “Is there something you’re trying to tell me? Are you… You’re not sick again, are you?”

“No, no!” Shiro quickly responded with a reassuring smile, feeling guilty for the clear tone of worry in his friend’s voice. He moved around the counter and out of the kitchen area toward Keith. “I’m just… I’m happy to see you like this, Keith.”

“What? Fluffed up like a peacock on parade?” Keith let out a huff, somewhere between a laugh and exasperation. “God, Shiro. Scare the crap out of me!”

“You look good,” Shiro argued, coming closer and reaching his free hand behind Keith’s neck to smooth out the sash where it had bunch up in his long dark hair.

Velvety softness ran through his fingers as he pulled the hair loose to hang down smoothly above the fabric, and violet eyes stared at him, expression unreadable.

They were standing so close, mere inches away from each other, and it felt like a magnetic pull was drawing him in. Neither moved, as if suspended in a gravitational field. The smell of Keith’s cologne intoxicated him, lush and fresh like a forest, but with the subtle, spicy cinnamon scent Shiro would forever associate with Keith. His brain flashed back to the last time they’d been like this, frozen in a visual stand-off.

The night before his wedding.

The night Keith has kissed him.

The thought made his gaze drop to Keith’s lips, rose-pink and so close… too close. He wanted —

Keith moved back, abruptly, bumping Shiro’s hand away in the process. Shiro immediately let go of the dark tendrils of hair he hadn’t even realized he’d still been caressing with his fingertips.

“I need to get going,” Keith rasped, clearing his voice roughly before moving quickly toward the door.

_Shit._ The word tumbled through Shiro’s brain.

“Do you want some coffee or something to take with you?” Shiro asked rapidly, scrambling for some way to gloss over the past few minutes.

“No, it’s fine. They’ll have something in the conference room,” answered Keith as he actively avoided eye contact by staring at the door in front of him, one hand on the knob. “I’ll see you later.”

Within the blink of an eye, he was out the door and gone, the door swinging closed behind him with a sharp thud.

_SHIT._

 

*****

To Shiro’s great relief, nothing was said about their awkward morning interaction. When Keith returned to his apartment later that afternoon acting perfectly normal and complaining about some of the other council members, Shiro followed his lead, slipping easily into their usual banter.

Later that night, Shiro retreated to bed after a very relaxing evening. He’d managed to make a more than passable meal, thanks to Hunk and his machine. After dinner, he and Keith had watched a ridiculous old movie, a relic from their hangouts during Keith’s first year at the Garrison. It was easy and comfortable — like old times — as they joked and quoted stupid lines from the dialogue. Shiro curled up with his pillow, suffused with happiness.

He was grateful he hadn’t ruined anything with his bumbling that morning. If anything, it had unintentionally provided the opening Shiro sought without having to say the words — and Keith’s dismissal had been loud and clear. The flustered reaction and the look in Keith’s eyes had just been Shiro’s hopes and imagination in overdrive.

It wasn’t the right time to approach Keith with his feelings.

That was fine — Shiro could wait.

 

*****

The next day, Keith joined Shiro in class to help him demonstrate sparring techniques, fulfilling the promise he’d made a few months before. He’d chosen to wear his simple Blades uniform – unwittingly tormenting Shiro’s libido in the process – to provide an opening for any cadets who had questions about the organization.

Even though time had passed, there was still an element of distrust toward the Galra that persevered on Earth, and Keith consistently made a point to try to address it and tear down stereotypes whenever he could.

As Shiro began the class, his eyes kept sliding to Keith, his long limbs leaning against the wall, one foot bent and pressed flat against it. The dark suit, sticking to him like a second skin, drew attention to the curved muscle in his biceps and emphasized his trim waist. 

Shiro was positive he was going to lose his mind.

The only thing that kept him in check was the crowd of teenagers in front of him, an audience that also couldn’t stop glancing or outright ogling the stranger in the room.

Once again, he considered this may have been a Very Bad Idea.

But it was too late now. Keith was here, students had to be taught, and who better than two former Paladins to demonstrate how to fight and defend themselves?

“Cadets, as I’m sure most of you are aware, joining us today is my friend, the Black Paladin and Senior Blade Captain Kogane,” Shiro stated proudly as he addressed the class. He caught Keith’s trademark smirk from the corner and sent a smug side-eye in return. “He has graciously offered to assist in your sparring lesson today. I have no doubt that all of you will learn a few things.”

“Does he have any chance at beating you, sir?” asked Blake, one of the most over-aggressive brown-nosers Shiro had ever seen. “No one else on staff has been able to.”

“Well, Captain Shirogane _did_ teach me everything I know,” Keith said with a small smile as he approached the front of the class. He was all long legs and confidence, and Shiro’s mouth went a little dry as he watched Keith stalk nearer to him in the center of the mat. “And for a long time, I couldn’t ever beat him. But now I’ve been with the Blades for a while, and I’ve fought and trained with a lot of other people. I’ve learned a few things since the last time we trained together like this.”

“Got a few new tricks up your sleeve, Kogane?” Shiro taunted with a bright smile.

“Maybe I’ll teach _you_ a few things, Old Timer,” Keith grinned.

“Technically, I think we’re basically the same age now, Keith. What with space whales, clones and being trapped in a timeless abyss?” Shiro argued affectionately as they began to slip into their sparring positions, slowly rounding on each other.

The cadets caught on quickly, stepping back to find positions around the outside of the mat along the walls.

“Still counts,” Keith answered, his body poised to attack, his grin feral.

Shiro hadn’t realized how much he missed this, their old routine of training, the adrenaline of knowing the person across the mat didn’t want to harm him but wouldn’t give him any leeway, either. The excitement of having a worthy opponent zipped through his veins.

Doing this in the Garrison gym, where they had spent so much time together at the beginning of their friendship, brought back a flood of pleasant memories. Here, alone on the familiar orange mats, he could almost picture the short, skinny teen Keith had been so many years ago.

He waited for Keith to get impatient and rush him, but the attack didn’t come. A few more seconds passed, and a couple of cadets in the corner near Keith began murmuring to each other. It must have been loud enough for Keith to hear it, because he cocked his head just slightly to the side.

Taking advantage of the brief distraction, Shiro pounced.

Keith blocked him before Shiro got in the first hit, immediately swinging his leg around and aiming for Shiro’s knee.

Shiro dodged the blow, and they went at each other — punches and kicks flying, grapples and holds attempted. Each of them working to outmaneuver the other before they could be caught in a position with no escape.

It was different sparring with Keith now. Shiro didn’t have quite the same size advantage he once used to, with Keith’s slightly taller and broader frame requiring more energy to deflect. Thankfully, Shiro was still young and could move quickly and with ease, although Keith’s flexibility was still a challenge to contend with. There were a few seconds here and there throughout their sparring session when Shiro thought Keith had him, but he was always able to find a way out of the hold and balance the playing field.

They grinned wickedly at each other, having _fun_ with the push and pull, their competitive spirits let free to play in a way they’d never quite allowed themselves since long ago when Keith was still a cadet. Though they tried to make training as fun as possible during their time in the Castle, the life or death consequences to their preparation always hung like a dark cloud over their sessions. As leaders, both Shiro and Keith had been solemnly aware of their harsh reality and relentless in their drive to develop the skills of the entire team.

Now, they fought like boys — both of them utilizing their strengths and seeking the other’s weaknesses, but also playful, throwing mocking verbal jabs at each other whenever they got the chance.

“Are you just showing off for the cadets now?” Shiro taunted after watching Keith perform an acrobatic stunt involving a kick thrown higher than his head and some kind of flipping roundabout that Shiro couldn’t even comprehend the body mechanics for.

Keith laughed haughtily. “What? Are you too old to do a cartwheel now?”

Which, of course, only made Shiro even more determined to best him, spurring him on to initiate another attack.

Their back and forth continued for quite a while until finally, with a sweep of the leg and swift shifting of his body, Shiro managed to get Keith pinned tightly to the ground. Shiro had Keith’s arms pinned tightly to his sides, trapped by Shiro’s strong thighs bracketing his waist. His hands held Keith down by the shoulders, preventing him from using his upper body to leverage his way up, and Shiro’s feet pressed firmly down on Keith’s thighs so he couldn’t bend his knees and throw Shiro’s balance.

“Yield,” Shiro commanded, his heart pounding from the exertion and position. Keith was a gorgeous sight beneath him, with cheeks flushed and lips parted as he gasped for air. He wanted to catalog the picture in his brain, to save it for later when he was alone.

The smile that broke over Shiro’s face as he caught his breath couldn’t be halted, and Keith’s brilliant grin in response lit up his face from where he was pinned under Shiro’s hold.

“Yeah, fine,” Keith said with a false air of disappointment. “I yield.”

The noise coming from the rest of the gym startled Shiro for a moment, until he realized it was just polite clapping and the students talking amongst themselves. He had been so focused on Keith while they were sparring, for a while he’d forgotten the cadets were even in the room with them.

Shiro got up carefully, offering a hand down to help Keith up off the mat. Shiro watched as he removed the tie on his hair, shaking it out behind him before quickly pulling it back again in a secure tail.

“Ready to go again?” Keith asked, more eager than Shiro had anticipated. His words were an echo from a lifetime ago, when they would spar for hours in the rare times Shiro’s schedule allowed for it. Keith always had more stamina than anyone else, more energy than seemed normal for a human being. 

Years later, so many things about Keith made a lot more sense now. 

He couldn’t resist throwing a childish taunt at his friend, just for fun. “You want me to kick your butt again already?”

He knew his grin softened the blow, but Keith took the bait anyway, just like he always did when they’d done battle in this room. 

“Maybe I let you win, Shirogane,” his friend jeered back with a lightning strike smile. “Wouldn’t do to have you looking old and out of shape in front of your cadets.”

“Oh, please,” Shiro laughed, “Don’t feel like you need to go easy for the sake of my reputation. That certainly never stopped you when you were their age, right? Besides, we both know I can take it.”

It was snarky and overconfident by miles, but if Keith really _did_ go easy on him the first time, Shiro wouldn’t let it happen twice. Even older, calmer and more collected, Keith could still be goaded into a contest. Especially by Shiro.

“Why don’t we demonstrate with weapons this time?” Keith suggested, one eyebrow raised in challenge. Shiro gave a slight nod of assent before moving toward the side of the room, approaching the wall where the staffs and training swords were mounted.

“Sticks?” Shiro asked, turning to see Keith with his blade already unsheathed. The cadets let out an audible gasp as it elongated in Keith’s hand before their eyes. “Swords, it is.”

He chose a heftier blade, needing something that would be able to hold up to the destructive power of Keith’s luxite sword. Shiro hoped the one in his hand wouldn’t be cut in half like butter with the first strike.

As he tested the weight of his broadsword, Shiro watched Keith slink closer. In the blink of an eye, he was moving fast, sprinting across the mat toward Shiro. Ready for a direct attack, he was thrown off when Keith dropped low at the last minute, sliding across the floor to swing at his knees. Shiro just barely dropped his sword in time to parry, the sound of their swords clanging together echoing around the room.

At least both his legs and his sword was in one piece.

By the time he turned his body to face his opponent, Keith was back on his feet and coming at him again. He swung wide overhead, quickly blocked by Shiro, then instantly spun off and around to try to land a hit on Shiro’s back. The pace of Keith’s attacks, combined with the burden of the sword, was a solid strategy. Shiro had to use his prosthetic to bear its weight without wearing out too quickly, but the mech arm had just a _hair_ slower reaction time — which was all Keith needed.

It was evident Keith was much more practiced with his blade than with hand-to-hand combat, and he was just as fast on his feet and in the air as he’d always been. The cadets “oohed” and “ahhed” as he unleashed a flurry of blows, kicks and bodily attacks that Shiro could do little to match. In fact, it was taking everything in him just to keep up and far enough ahead that Keith didn’t accidentally take his head off.

In no time at all, Shiro found himself disarmed and lying flat on his stomach on the mat. Somehow Keith had managed to pin his prosthetic arm to the floor beneath Shiro’s neck, with his other arm trapped under it by the wrist. The rest of Keith’s body lay against his back, his knees putting just enough pressure on Shiro’s hamstrings to prevent his lower body from moving. The flat of Keith’s sword lay against his shoulders, which Shiro guessed was a courtesy — if they had really been in battle, he had little doubt the edge would be up against the back of his neck.

He was completely immobilized, and Keith wasn’t even out of breath. Yet the puffs of air he let out against Shiro’s ear ran down across the side of his neck, caused a tingle down Shiro’s back. The way he was holding Shiro down from behind, Keith’s weight pressing him down into the mat, made Shiro’s brain immediately connect to the other ways he _wanted_ to be anchored down by Keith. It was a relief Keith had rooted him to the ground so well, preventing him from shifting his hips up against Keith’s pelvis the way his instincts were demanding. He could feel his body begin to react, thankfully wedged underneath him, and willed the thoughts away as the sound of cadets tittering about his loss filled the room.

“I yield,” Shiro said loudly, voice ringing with conviction. No one else in the room was aware, but the words meant so much more than accepting the loss of a match. It was a surrender of his feelings in the only way possible.

The weight disappeared from his back as Keith stood up, taking his tantalizing warmth along with him. Shiro took a moment to breathe out, lifting himself onto all fours before sliding back to sit on his legs. It was a safer position at the moment, laying his hands in his lap, blocking any reactions that might be visible to a room full of curious eyes.

“What have we learned here today, cadets?” Shiro asked, stalling for time and addressing the crowd before Keith could offer him a hand up.

“Not to mess with the Black Paladins!” a brave voice cried from the back of the room, hidden from sight.

The other cadets laughed nervously, obviously afraid of Shiro’s reaction to that remark. 

But Keith let out a loud, barking wheeze, bending over at the waist in laughter.

“They aren’t wrong,” Keith commented as he straightened up, his eyes squinting with mirth.

“That’s fair,” Shiro conceded with a small smile. He forced his gaze away from Keith and back to the group of young people in his charge as he finally stood up. “I expect you to try to implement some of the moves you’ve seen today during our next gym period. Class dismissed!”

The cadets shuffled out, a few of them hanging back slowly as if looking for a chance to say a few words to the Blades Captain or to just soak in every last glimpse of him they could. Caught up in his own enamored feelings as Shiro was, he often forgot that most of Earth also harbored some type of crush on the mysterious leader of Voltron.

To many people, Keith was the young, incredibly attractive man who had led the fight to save Earth — and saved them all in the process. To Shiro, he was all of those things, plus his best friend — the guy who always had his back, appreciated his humor (though few others did), and knew all of his darkest secrets.

Save one.

Shiro gave a sharp “teacher look” to the stragglers by the door, then turned to Keith with a grin once the door closed behind the final cadet. 

“Best two out of three?” Shiro asked, hoping to extend their time sparring. 

“You just don’t like to lose,” Keith said with a laugh, shaking the dark hair out of his eyes.

With color high on his cheeks, inky hair spilling out of the tie where it was pulled back, and violet eyes shining, Shiro couldn’t deny how beautiful the man was. In his form-fitting suit every line of muscle on his lithe body was outlined to perfection. He was a god, sent to Earth to ensnare the weak.

And Shiro was so incredibly weak.

“You’re right,” Shiro said, letting impulsiveness spur him on. “I lost you, and I hate it.”

He looked over at Keith from the corner of his eye, scared that he wouldn’t respond and yet terrified his friend would catch the true meaning behind Shiro’s words.

He knew he shouldn’t confess his feelings, but given the opportunity, Shiro couldn’t help but second guess himself. _What_ was _the right thing to do?_

“What are you talking about? You never lost me. I’m right here. We’ve been friends forever. We always will be. You sound like Daigo,” Keith said with a chuckle. He ran his hand through the dark hair that had come loose, pushing it back away from his face. “He says he wants to ‘keep me’. Wants to get bondlinked.”

“What?” Shiro asked, hearing the alarming rise in the pitch of his voice. “What does that mean?”

“It’s like married,” Keith said with a shrug, as if it was no big deal.

Panic exploded in Shiro’s chest, radiating out until it felt like every nerve ending in his body was alight with flames. 

“No!” Shiro’s voice was loud, too loud, echoing in the empty room.

He couldn’t breathe. His heart _hurt_.

“What?” Keith asked, his voice an unamused growl as his eyes narrowed aggressively.

“Just... no. You can’t — ” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, his brain going offline with a sudden, single-minded focus. ‘ _No’_ echoed in his head to the rapid beat of his heart as his lungs shut down, minimizing the amount of air getting in or out.

“What do you mean _I can’t_?” Keith asked with a preternatural calmness. His eyes were a thunderstorm, churning dark blue and black.

“Keith.” He knew he sounded desperate, could hear the whining in his voice, but everything inside his brain was screaming this was life or death. “ _Keith_ , please.”

He was going to lose him.

Keith — the one person in his entire life he could always count on, that was always there. Keith, more reliable than his right hand, was slipping through his fingers.

He had to hold on. Tighter. Somehow.

“Shiro, what the hell is going on? You’re freaking out,” Keith said quietly, worry softening his face as he approached. “Breathe.”

Shiro could have cried, watching the anger melt from Keith the moment he realized Shiro was in distress. He had never deserved Keith’s unending devotion.

Strong hands grabbed at his bicep and shoulder next to his port. Shiro stared at the floor, silently counting to control his breathing through the panic attack as he’d been taught years ago. It was so much worse than a nightmare — it was real, not a figment of his imagination he could reason away with logic. The soothing rub of Keith’s thumb where it had settled over his shirt helped him remember what he needed to say.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said quietly when his gasping had subsided and he could find his voice.

Keith’s response was immediate. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Shiro whispered. 

He was suddenly so tired — of hiding his feelings. Of not being honest with Keith. Of holding back. 

Shiro’s voice was quiet but sure as he let the words spill out of him. “He’s not the only one that wants to keep you.”

He looked up into startled purple eyes, the same nebulous gaze he’d been dreaming about for so long. Unlike in his fantasies, this time they were staring at him with confusion, anger and something else Shiro couldn’t discern.

What seemed like minutes passed, as Keith gaped at him like a fish, mouth moving but no sound coming out. He dropped his hands and took a short step back, putting space between them.

“You have other options.” Shiro’s voice was stronger this time, filled with conviction.

Keith’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Who... exactly?”

He had to do this. He had to make sure Keith _knew_. The memory of a moment when roles were reversed came back to him suddenly. He could envision the way Keith had looked at him the night before his wedding. He prayed his friend still somehow felt the same way.

Shiro took a fortifying breath, letting it out quickly like he was preparing for a hard landing after being thrown during a fight. 

“Me.”

The quiet admittance hit the silent room like a bomb exploding.

A blank, dark stare followed his confession for a moment. And then a kaleidoscope of emotions crossed Keith’s face within the span of just a few seconds.

“I’m sorry,” Keith said through gritted teeth, taking another step back. “What. The fuck...?”

“Did you give Daigo an answer?” Shiro questioned, a quiet breath escaping him. “Are you going to marry him?”

It was the only thing Shiro could focus on in that moment. He had to know.

Keith stared at him for a tantalizing second, silent. Shiro held his breath until finally, Keith shook his head in denial with a frown. “I told him I’d think about it.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, Shiro said softly, “I won’t make the same mistake you did. I can’t stand by and say nothing while you marry him — ”

“Are you fucking — ” yelled Keith, pure rage driving him forward to place his hands on Shiro’s chest and shove him backward toward the wall. “Fuck you, Shiro!”

“Keith — ”

“You had a choice — you ALWAYS had a choice!” Keith stormed as he held Shiro against the wall, holding him in place. “The great Takashi Shirogane doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do. Don’t act like it’s my fault you married Curtis!”

“I’m not… That’s not what I’m saying,” Shiro argued, his tone petulant.

“Then what the hell are you saying?” Keith growled.

He had to make him understand. There was only one way. 

All in. Over the cliff. And pray the thrusters kicked on in time to save them both.

“I love you,” Shiro breathed, gaze tied like a red string to the violet blaze burning from Keith’s beautiful face. “I should have told you a long time ago. I should have said it after I woke up, when I finally settled in this body. Or after Sendak. I just… I couldn’t see it then. Maybe I was afraid to.”

“What?” Keith asked in the same voice he’d heard him use when his digital translator wasn’t working, like his brain couldn’t process the words.

“I love you.” It was all he had left.

It was everything.

Keith was everything.

“What the — Fuck!” Keith shouted, running his hands through his hair before grabbing it with both fists and pulling. Shiro made the tactical error of trying to bring his hands up to stop him.

Keith’s hands dropped quickly, cutting down through the air and colliding with Shiro’s wrists, knocking his arms back down to his sides.

A fist connected hard near his shoulder, just below the edge of his collarbone, before Shiro even realized he was under attack. His arms swung up in self defense immediately, blocking and deflecting punches as his best friend snapped, pelting him with anger in a sudden explosion of violence.

All Shiro could do was block him, refusing to strike back. Wherever the rage was coming from, there was no doubt in Shiro’s mind he’d earned it.

Keith’s eyes, gone yellow and catlike, clear after a minute of attacks that didn’t fall. He stepped back just barely, his breathing heavy.

“Why now?” Keith cried, raining thunder and lightning on Shiro like the thundercloud he’d become. “When I finally have someone that loves me? That puts _my_ feelings and happiness first?”

“You should know you have a choice.”

“A choice. You know who else had a choice? You did! You ignored it.”

“I didn’t know. I didn’t realize how I felt then,” Shiro explained, pleading with him to understand.

“You didn’t REALIZE? How nice for you,” Keith snarled.

His hands flew up as if to wrap around Shiro’s neck, and acting instinctively from pure muscle memory, Shiro’s metal arm moved sideways, grabbing at Keith’s wrist and using his own momentum to propel him forward. He stumbled away a few feet before spinning and launching himself back toward Shiro, kicking out toward his hip where Shiro caught his ankle in midair.

However, Shiro was not prepared for Keith to twist and land his foot squarely into his sternum. Shocked by the blow, he loosened his grip on Keith, who used the split second lapse to break free and bounce back, landing on both feet like a cat.

Stumbling backwards from the hit, Shiro quickly caught his right foot in a slide to regain his footing. They stood, panting, feet apart from each other on the mat. Neither spoke for a moment as they stared at each other.

Shiro had no idea what to say, struck dumb by the damage coming to light. Lance had tried to tell him, but Shiro hadn’t fully believed him. He’d never seen any hint of the pain he must have caused Keith years ago.

But it was obviously still there, festering like a wound that wouldn’t heal. And Keith had hid it from him, protecting their friendship. All this time.

“What the hell was I supposed to do, _Takashi_ ?” Keith shouted, using the name like it was a knife being thrown. “I _tried._ I TOLD you — and you said you remembered. Everything. All the clone’s memories were yours. You _knew_ how I felt. What was I supposed to do? How could I have made it clearer? Show up naked in your bed?”

“Keith, I — ”

“Go hard or go home. _You_ were the one who taught me that,” he spit at Shiro. “From the time I started at the Garrison, I had to go after what I wanted. But when I went after you, I ran straight into a goddamn concrete wall.

“Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? Do you realize the first time I left Earth for more than a few weeks, you got _engaged?”_ Keith’s voice was a high-pitched whine, pain lancing through his voice. “Six months… I was gone for _six months,_ Shiro. It was like all you needed to be happy was for me to get out of the goddamn way.”

The words hit Shiro like a blow to the stomach.

“Why can’t I just be happy with Daigo?” He asked, almost as if he were talking more to himself than Shiro.

“You can, if that’s what you want. I just want you to be happy, Keith. If you don’t want things to change between us, it’s fine. You’ll always have me. Always,” Shiro said quickly, trying to fix the mess he’d suddenly made of everything. The words came to him, floating from the past and straight out of his mouth before he could think about it. “You know I’ll never give up on you.”

Keith froze, staring at Shiro. His eyes narrowed, yellowing, teeth sharpening as they locked together. He made a wounded sound, like an animal being strangled, and rushed at him.

He had just enough time to put his arms up to act as a shield before Keith tackled him to the ground. He wrenched Shiro’s hands to each side of his head, pinning them down firmly to the floor, his legs positioned on each side of Shiro’s torso doing the same for the rest of his body.

He was trapped, completely at Keith’s mercy, and Shiro could feel every point of contact between their bodies igniting sparks under his skin. He wondered if Keith could feel it, too. There was no way to tell from his expression — Shiro could only tell he was making a great effort to control his reaction. Or his anger.

Or both.

For a split second Shiro wondered if Keith was going to kiss him. Yellow eyes glared at him, the heat burning him from the inside out. Little puffs of air fanned Shiro’s face as Keith panted above him, trying to regain control of himself.

Shiro couldn’t help but register the slim chance he was about to be murdered by his best friend, but he had learned to focus on the positive.

Just as abruptly as he had attacked, Keith stood up, shoving at Shiro’s chest roughly and pushing him into the mat as he used him as leverage to get up. He towered over Shiro, looming like a dark knight preparing to deliver a death blow.

“No. I don’t want you,” Keith snarled, spitting the words at Shiro like bullets, taking harsh gasping breaths. “Not like that. Not anymore.”

An intake of air caught the sob trying to escape Shiro’s throat, swallowing it down to merge with the burning in his chest. He squeezed his eyes closed for a moment, unable to face the wrath of Keith’s golden-purple gaze, trying to fight back the tears suddenly springing to his eyes.

He failed, feeling one salty drop escape and wind a path down his cheek.

“We’re friends. That’s all we’ve ever been. That’s all we’re ever going to be.” Keith’s voice was rough but calm, controlled. He was speaking like the commander he was, giving an order to be followed. “I had to accept that when you got married. You should probably start working on that, too.”

Immobile on the floor, he watched his best friend, the man he loved, turn and walk out of the room. The click of the door closing was a gunshot in the quiet space: a direct hit.

Shiro’s heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

He pushed himself up on hands and knees, forcing himself to take a raspy breath that echoed harshly in the large empty room. Wet tears mixed with sweat and dripped down onto the mat beneath him leaving dark stains, like a physical manifestation of his hope — left bleeding all over the floor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Keith MAYBE has some unresolved anger toward Shiro… 
> 
> It would be great and easy if Daigo was out of the picture, and Keith melted at his confession, and everything was sunshine and daisies -- but that's just not the way life always works.
> 
> Plus, if you read my [other fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18432128#main) that sort of goes with this one, you'll understand the anger a little more.
> 
> If you're interested, the inspiration for a large piece of this chapter came from [this artwork](https://twitter.com/ribbitsplace/status/1123314671208030208?s=12) by Ribbitsplace - They are both so gorgeous and I love it! I came across it when I was trying to figure out where I was going with the story, and it just felt right.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated. I'm very open to feedback (and honestly expect a lot of people to HATE this chapter!) so feel free to tell me what you think - I promise I can take it :D


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